It's not time to work on my abs right now.

But it is time to get under 260. That's the plan this week. Saturday morning, I weighed in at a slight 261, then took the day off. I am thinking that 259 is a pretty achievable goal this week, and certainly it is time for another milestone.

What's amazing to me is the fact that the two weeks off didn't really hurt much at all. Granted, over those 14 days I took no more than five days off, but you would think that would be good for at least seven or eight pounds gained, right?

Wrong.

Here is something I've learned over the last two years: Isolated screw ups won't really hurt the cause that much. And, I am sure, in some twisted way they might actually help you (though I can't really explain how).

Every time I have gone through rough patches in either the 100 Days or the Fortress, I have seen minimal damage done to my weight. I'm not really talking about one or two days of eating poorly, I am talking a week or two of bad decisions that just don't have the body-crippling effect you think they would.

With all we hear about obesity and the national movement towards losing weight and healthy living, we are all scared to death to fall off the wagon. But no one ever breaks that fear down for us. How many of us thought that slipping up on a diet meant you would do irreparable physical harm to your weight loss? I know I did, but maybe I am just dumb.

The real danger of falling off the wagon, though, is the potential mental failure. Certainly one drink will not actually kill an alcoholic. But it might make him want to start drinking regularly again. So maybe it's all about being able to control the urges. Maybe I am lucky that I am so far into this that I don't have to worry about never recovering from a day off.

I am, however, very familiar with the mental danger. I've had plenty of diets derail after a slip up three days in. And it wasn't until my mind was fully focused on the task of losing weight that I was able to overcome that danger. That's also why I didn't begin The Fortress until 16 months after I abandoned the 100 Days. In those months, my mind wandered away from being healthy. A diet wouldn't have been really possible then.

But I remember a day a few months before the 100 Days blog began. I was living in Colorado, pretty damn close to 370 if not already there. One of the basketball coaches at the junior college tried to motivate me to lose weight. So he took me up into the gym that was built into their arena and showed me how to use the elliptical machine. Actually, that was the first time I had ever used an elliptical machine. He made me stay on it for 10 minutes, and I was not happy about that. (Ahh, memories. If I remember correctly, after about three minutes I was gasping for air and felt my throat closing up. I was in pretty bad shape back then. Little did I know that, only a few months later, that machine was going to be the key piece of equipment in helping me become unfat.)

Anyway, as we were ellipticising, he offered up some weight loss pointers (by the way, he was very thin and very in shape).

Only one sticks out today:

"If you have one bad day, that wipes out a week of good days," he said.

Now, 109 pounds later, I am here to tell you that that statement is total bullshit. But you see, I didn't know that at the time. And that statement scared the hell out of me. That statement was probably the main reason, outside of my own unwillingness, that his efforts to help me didn't work. Here was a guy telling me that I had to give up every fatty food I ever loved in order to lose weight.

It just seemed too hard.

But, as I established earlier, that statement was total bullshit. And while I am not saying you can eat like shit every three days and still lose weight, I am saying that if you know yourself well enough, and you understand that you are strong enough to do so, it's really not the end of the world to order up a pizza on a Sunday afternoon. And you know what? It's also not the end of the world to make a burger run the following Monday night. But you have to understand what you have lost -- two days worth of weight loss -- and you have to be willing to embrace the following days as opportunities to advance your goal.

One bad day does not wipe out one good week. In two bad (for me) weeks, I gained two pounds. In one good week, I lost four. Even if you take every single variable into account, those numbers speak for themselves.If the same effort is given to both sides, losing weight might just be easier than gaining weight.

Let's use my numbers to demonstrate that point: I am a 28-year-old male who is 6-foot-3 and weights 261 pounds. My activity level is somewhere between moderately active and very active (hey, exercising five days a week is pretty damn active in my book). According to the calorie per day calculator, which you can find here, I burn 4,171 calories per day without exercising.

It takes 3,500 unburned calories to gain a pound, and 3,500 burned calories to lose a pound. Now, if I take in an average of 1,350 calories per day (which is about right for my plan right now), I will lose .806 pounds per day without exercising. Over a solid six days of eating well, I lose 3.2 pounds.

Now, to gain .806 pounds in a day, I would have to eat just about 7,000 calories.
Here are several ways I could do that at McDonalds:

16 Double Cheeseburgers (440 calories each)

14 Quarter Pounders with Cheese (510)

14 McRibs (500)

13 Big Macs (540)

12 large orders of Fries. (570)

11 Premium Crispy Chicken Clubs (660)

9 Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese (740)

If I have one of each of those items, that turns out to be 3,960 calories (and an unsightly 218 grams of fat).

Now, I should note that I probably jacked that math up beyond belief, and those numbers don't really make a lick of sense. Also, I should say that there are a TON of things I don't know about the human body and weight gain. Nor am I advocating ordering one of all of those from McDonalds and eating it all in one sitting (but I bet I could do it), or ordering 16 double cheeseburgers and eating thrm in one sitting (I know I can't do that).

But my point is that it takes a long time to really gain meaningful weight, just as it takes a long time to lose meaningful weight.

By the way, by my numbers, which we already know are probably wrong, if you are a 40-year-old, 5-foot-7 inch, 250 pound lightly active woman, you burn 2,402 calories per day. If you are on a 1,350 calorie per day diet, you will lose .3 pounds per day, and 1.8 per six days. In order to gain .3 pounds in a day, you have to eat 3,454 calories, or nearly 8 double cheeseburgers.

So my point today is that fucking up isn't the end of the world.

I know, I said that earlier, sorry I wasted your time with all this math.

I decided I should know what I am dealing with after the last two weeks were pretty bad. So I went for the late-night weigh in, because I don't mind the higher numbers at night. After all, I am guaranteed to lose at least a pound in my sleep. So figure that Friday I will be about 264, exactly where I was two weeks ago.

So here's the lesson: You can erase two kinda shitty weeks with five good eating days and three trips to the gym. Sounds like a pointer to take when I am simply trying to maintain my weight in a few months.

So anyway, I am happy with that number, because it could have been much worse. I was envisioning 270-something, and gearing up for a little self-hate session.

But none of that tonight.

So far this week has been pretty damn good as far as eating goes. That was much needed after last week. Mentally, I am in line, which is always important. As far as I can see, I won't get tripped up anytime soon. However, we can't predict the future, and it doesn't seem to take much more than a really bad day to get me going.

Of course, I am working on that.

I am currently pondering whether I want to take an off-day this weekend. It might thwart some progress, but it also might be valuable. Perhaps it will alleviate some pressure from trying to make a big push in May. Obviously the Perfect May probably isn't going to happen. And I really shouldn't make myself miserable as I head down the home stretch. I just don't think that does me any good, and it could make for a much harder fall than I want.

One thought comes to mind. I am now the owner of The Biggest Loser Cookbook, a purchase I made thinking about a future of low-calorie meals. Perhaps I should play around with that a little bit (Even though I can't cook, it might definitely be time to learn.) and I can incorporate it into my off day in order to minimize the negative effects. Actually, that would probably be a great idea. I'll let you know what happens on Monday.

But the news today is that The Fortress is not crumbling. I am still 25 pounds away from my goal. Now, if I can only get past the fact that I was 25 pounds away a month ago, then I think I will be ok with that.

I should go now. It's getting late, and I have to get up relatively early to get to the gym Friday morning.

Some were asking about that, considering my somewhat depressive last post.

Rest easy, I am fine. Although I might be a few pounds heavier than when we last spoke. Other than that, though, I am cool.

So I have some explaining to do, especially to those who have followed this with any sort of regularity. These last two weeks haven't been good to the diet. Actually, they've almost killed the diet.

We won't go into specifics, other than to say that IN-N-Out Burger is the greatest thing known to man. (If you live outside of California, Nevada or Arizona, you might seriously think of relocating just so you can experience the wonder of the greatest fast food restaurant known to man).

Still, last week was sketchy at best. It was an on-again, off-again series of frustrations and self-convincing. Sort of a back and forth between "Fuck this" and "Remember what's at stake."

I gave up on the gym after Monday. Just didn't feel like going. I gave up on eating healthy at all on Friday. Just didn't feel like doing it any more. Looking back, last week was a blur. I can't tell you how many bad days I had (Although Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday might be accurate). And I can't tell you exactly what I ate on those days.

But I know that if the title of this blog was "Dan Nied's Fortress of Becoming a Fatass Again," then last week would have been ideal.

Don't start thinking I've given up, though. I haven't. I think I just needed a little break. As Alexandria said in one of her comments, I needed to have a pity party. So I did. It was great.

I'm not embarrassed to say that the stress of this project got to me a little bit. I found that I wasn't happy with the recent progress at all, and I was depressed when I realized that I am only 10 pounds lighter now than I was a year ago.

I wondered why nobody had noticed my transformation yet. Then I figured out that I hadn't physically changed at all. When I began my current job in July 2006, I weighed 275 pounds. On Christmas Day, 2007, I was 299. Now in April 2008, I am somewhere around 265.

Though I have lost 34 pounds since Christmas, it's really only 10 pounds. No one at work noticed when I gained 24 pounds. So why would they notice when I lose 10? Makes sense.

But that's why I had been looking forward to this particular period so much. I saw the first 30 pounds as getting back to the starting line. I saw the last 30 pounds as a triumphant victory lap. I always knew that there wouldn't be noticeably physical differences until I was around 255 or so. But for some reason, I just haven't been able to push my way to that point.

Kind of frustrating.

Also frustrating was the constant spewing of optimistic thought I've given you on this blog. Yes, I can write inspirational musings here, and I can make it look like my fuck ups are just happy accidents. But I just got sick of taking that angle. I didn't feel like bullshitting you (or myself) anymore.

Basically, I didn't like the way I was handling this situation. In myself, I saw a great lack of willpower and an endless supply of empty promises. Oh, I will go all of April without screwing up! But in reality, I lasted six days. Oh, I will go to the gym five times a week! But somehow I kept forgetting that that meant only two days off from the gym.

To top it all off, I wasn't mentally stable when it came to food. Maybe I tried to hide it, but it should be obvious that I lionized the off days entirely too much. I convinced myself that I had to have them, and once I got to that glorious day of food freedom, I would be in my element enjoying the spoils of my hard-earned victory over fatassedness.

And no matter how many times I ended an off day thinking "that just wasn't worth it," I couldn't fully shake myself of the fantasy of fast food. I'd finish $13 of Taco Bell and think it might have been the worst meal of my life. But instead of swearing off Taco Bell, I just kept hoping that the next time would be more fulfilling.

That is an endless cycle I don't much care for.

All of those things kind of gathered up around me last week. I responded by not dealing with them for a while. My thoughts never strayed from the diet, though. In fact, I'd say I thought about it more last week than at most other times.

Eventually, I realized that I was regrouping. I tried to strategize a little bit, and told myself that I am really not that far away from my goal. I thought about the time frame I am working with (heading back to Detroit in mid-July), and was honest with myself about how long I can really keep doing regular blog updates (sad to say, I don't see this blog lasting past mid-June. But I have been known to offer non-binding timelines before).

I figured I should make a run at The Perfect May. But then I remembered how that went in April.

Finally, I thought about what life has to be like once all the weight is off. Actually, when all the weight is off, I will probably change very little about my current lifestyle. I'll still control caloric intake. I might even start working out more instead of less. I'll probably start lifting weights in an effort to tighten up my body. The only thing that will be gone (hopefully) is the guilt.

That brings us to the big question: What happens from here on out?

First, let me tell you I don't want to make any promises. Let me also tell you that I don't feel like I have to make any dietary changes. What was good enough for the first 105 pounds is probably going to be good enough for the last 25.

As I have always maintained, this is going to be about mental strength. Maybe I can have a Perfect May. Hell, maybe I will. But I am not going to put pressure on myself to do it. Instead, I'll just concentrate on taking the weight off with the same techniques that have always worked.

I could give up. I know that. But I also know that I owe it to myself to complete this journey. I've waited too long to do this to let it fall a few pounds short.

Again, no promises, but here is a timeline that I have in mind. Sunday was April 27. That's 35 days until June 1. I think I can lose 20 pounds in that time (again, no promises, no crazy measures taken. I just think if I do what I need to do, I can lose 20 pounds in 35 days). That will take me to, at worst, 250. That leaves 10 more pounds for the next month and a half.

It's an achievable goal. We'll just see if I can do it.

But again, I owe it to myself to find out.

I skipped the gym on Tuesday (And Monday if we are being honest), and I am not all that enthralled about going on Wednesday. Of course, the smart thing would be to not think about it, just wake up tomorrow, get my shoes on and go.

Oh, and I will put shorts on too. And a shirt. But after that, I should definitely go.

I suppose the mental blocks are part of this whole thing. Good days, bad days, right? So I suppose I'll just have to fight through it using the underlying theme of this whole thing: It doesn't matter how I feel now, so long as I am productive.

That's why I am sitting here at 2 a.m. hungry and tired and keeping myself from checking what's in the fridge. That's the thinking that keeps me on the elliptical machine for a few minutes longer when I am sick of doing the same motion 4,000 times.

And, really, that's what has to happen throughout. Long term gratification over short term gratification. Isn't that the key to a happy life? Well, that's what M. Scott Peck said in The Road Less Traveled, a book that I was assigned to read in high school, but never got past the first page. Luckily, that first page was all about delaying gratification. Thanks M. Scott!

Really, when the urges set in, my mind has to move toward the goal. That's the only thing that really matters at this point.

It's hard, for sure. It's hard to resist everything you've ever known. Hard to say no to the one thing you really want right now. Hard not to envision a fresh start tomorrow, and hard to truly see a goal that doesn't seem to be getting any closer.

Here, read it in full:

From: Stalker (Alexandria under a very tricky pseudonym)
Comments:
Hey! It's nice to read a response to my comment. (especially the "my favorite" part - gave me tingles).

All the best,
Salma (Her other pseudonym.)

I appreciate the checking in on my mental health. Actually, I think Alexandria is a psychologist, at least that's what her BC tag says. In fact, I think I might end up seeing a psychiatrist at some point just to clear a few father issues up. (But I'll leave that be until my next series: Dan Nied's Path to Self Acceptance and Mental Stability. That should be hitting Blogcritics sometime around Thanksgiving).

But Alexandria's comment illustrates the exact reason I am keeping this blog. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do this without a little outside support. It would have been easy to, over the weekend, convince myself I deserved another off day. But instead I thought about how I would rationalize it to you guys, and how I would make it seem ok that I put myself one step further away from my goal.

Instead, I relaxed slightly (2,000 calories on Saturday, about 1,800 on Sunday), and ellipticised for the first time in five days on Sunday.

Yeah, you didn't know about that break from the gym I took last week. I never really told. I was kind of sick of the stagnant weeks of the diet and decided to just bag the elliptical for a while.

That led to a stalemate week. Weighed in at 265 on Sunday and felt ok about it. The idea, though, was to be below 250 by the end of April. That's definitely not happening considering today is April 21.

But I can make it under 260, which puts me a few good weeks away from 240. This is the time for outright discipline. That isn't exactly a recent revelation, but it is something that I need to enact in my daily life.

I think I took some steps toward that discipline last week, despite avoiding the gym entirely.

First, I beat cake. Yep, there was birthday cake at work on Thursday, and a coworker was trying her hardest to get me to enjoy some. Around 8 p.m., she actually brought plates of cake into our newsroom and gave some to everyone. I swore at her and told her to get out (in a nice, joking way I should add). But there was cake to be had, and I didn't have it.

So that's a little victory.

But my thought process also matured a little bit last week. In my mind were visions of 240, but they were balanced by the current reality of 265. I had to connect the two somehow, right?

So I tried to figure a way to get to the gym six times a week. The answer: start getting up at 10 a.m. instead of 11 a.m. Go to the gym for an hour and then come home and go about my daily routine. That's important, because I am big on routines. I don't like to have them disrupted if I can help it.

I'm also starting to take the current menu for granted. I wasn't looking forward to off days nearly as much last week. And, as we sit now, I am not particularly sure when I'll feel the need for an off day again. I'm sure it will happen but, honestly, I just don't get the gratification I expect.

I think I order pizza because pizza sounds good to me. I have a good image of pizza in my head. And most of the time, the pizza doesn't live up to that image.

Same thing with most fast food (In-N-Out Burger excluded). I've got good memories of the double Whopper, or sitting down to five McDonald's double cheeseburgers. So I turn to them when I want instant gratification. But they are never really worth the consequences.

When an off-day meal doesn't live up to the hype I've previously assigned it, I get guilty and frustrated and hungry for more.

I'd say that happens about 70 percent of the time.

Thing is, when I have an off day meal that is truly delicious, I don't feel guilty at all. I feel a little bit of pride for making that meal count. I can think of maybe four times over the last three months that an off day meal has truly been worth it.

So if the Burger King and Taco Bell runs aren't worth the consequences, why do I keep falling into that trap? Obviously, it's because I have had good experiences with them before. But when I was having those good experiences, the food wasn't working against a specific goal I was trying to achieve. Yes, Taco Bell is excellent when I am drunk at 2 a.m. Yes, pizza is amazing when I have nothing to do for the entire day. But it's just not worth it right now.

During past off days, I was eating shit just to eat shit, like it was my duty. It was as much a part of the diet as the salads and turkey sandwiches.

I thought off days were the safe house that would give me the strength to get to the next level. They were the water cups during a marathon, or a campsite during a weekend hike. But that definitely wasn't true. Sunday was my sixth straight day of eating healthy. But it isn't like I wanted to cheat more Sunday because I ate healthy on Friday. No, every day is its own entity with its own rules. Sometimes the urge to cheat will be there, sometimes it won't. And it really has nothing to do with how long I've held out.

At least I don't think so.

So why am I putting so much stock into the off days? Well, because it seems like I should, you know? It seems like I am depriving my body of things that it likes, so I should take time out to indulge. Sounds good, right? But that's really not how it works. Because now I am treating my body better, giving it more of what it needs to work. So why should I go against that grain?

Off days should not be done just to curb a sudden craving. Instead, they should be applied correctly, when they can be appreciated.

So that's what I think I learned.

From: Alexandria Jackson
Comments: Hi, I'm here. I'm thrilled for you!
I stopped commenting so much because:
1. I was starting to feel like a stalker
2. I was having my own medical issues.
3. I didn't think you cared much.
However, know that I still watch for your articles and am wishing you well.

We start off with Alexandria, my favorite. I just want to say that you should not feel like a stalker, and I care very much about the comments on here, especially from people who have taken a regular interest in this. It's tough to find motivation to write when you aren't sure people are reading. I don't want this to turn into a personal journal. I want it to be something people can take and use in whatever way they want.

Oh, and good luck with your medical issues.

From: Guy
Comments: Little disappointed with the quickness in which you abandoned the 25 day plan. You'll never know how much progress you could have made. The one constant I'm finding is that breaking the plan is never worth it. At this stage in the game it's going to take near perfection to see any kind of results. You're right -- the gradual weight loss stage is probably over -- from here on out it's going to take a week or two of solid work to see the scale move in the right direction. Just do it, perfect days from now until May and see what happens. It will be worth the effort.

I agree with everything said here. Breaking the plan really isn't worth it, and it always feels better to turn in a perfect day. Certainly it makes sense to just pick up the pieces after a bad weekend and just look toward the next goal. I can't be happy about screwing up, but I can't dwell on it either, right? This entire thing is about what happens next, what can I do to get to where I want to be? It has nothing to do with getting down to 270 anymore, or worrying about the effects of a bad day. Accept what you have lost and move on.

From: literalist
Comments: Hi. Fuck you... How are you doing? (Hey, you said "say hi if you feel like saying hi and fuck you if you feel like saying fuck you", so...) Anyhow, hope you make progress with your weight. Don't overdo it. Just a suggestion.

Yes, thanks for the "Fuck you," it definitely brightened up my day.

As for overdoing it, I understand what you mean. It's tough at this point, you know? I can see the ultimate goal and it's hard not to just sprint there. I have to admit that sometimes I skip meals because of my schedule, and I always feel good about it. After all, 1,200 calories is better than 1,500, right? But not really, especially if I go six hours between eats. But I'm not exactly ready to drop down to an 800 calorie diet, nor will I ever be.

From: Sarah
Comments: I'm reading... and rooting for you.

Thanks! I am rooting for you too in whatever it is you do.

From: Alexandria Jackson
Comments: You'll get there. I am glad the "Perfect April" didn't materialize. It might have gotten you something in the short run but it isn't who you are. You're making mostly healthy choices, you've stepped up the gym attendance and, while you haven't lost weight this week, you certainly haven't gained. A lifestyle change toward healthier choices is a great goal that you have already achieved and can maintain. Perfection is overrated.

Yes, the Perfect April is not me, that's for sure. But that's what made it alluring. I viewed it as a way to push this to the end, and make up for past mistakes. Also, I was curious about how long I could go without screwing up. Perfection may be overrated, but it's also nice to achieve from time to time. My philosophy is still to extend the time between off days so I can see what kind of progress I can make.

From: Gigi
Comments: Been reading you since first 100 days! Please keep writing, and the every three days postings keep it real. I am curious about how you are planning on maintaining your weight when you finish the "diet."

That's a great question, and one that I have been thinking about for the last few days.

Once this is over, what happens? That's the question to end all questions. I can tell you one thing, I won't be entirely happy with the way I look. Smaller, yes. Healthier, yes. More attractive, yes. But I won't exactly be what I want to be. I'll still have a gut that I'll have to hide, and I'll still be concerned with the double chin that will probably never go away (but that will probably not be noticeable to anyone but me).

Theoretically, I could go back to my old ways, but that's not going to happen. That's really just not me anymore. I can't imagine going to the grocery store and loading up on shitty food that will make me feel terrible all week. One thing I can say is that I have developed a grocery shopping habit over the last two and a half years. I don't even think about buying unhealthy items. That never changed, even when I was eating like shit at the end of last year.

So I'll keep the grocery shopping intact, though I do need to find a way to cut about $50 per paycheck off that bill.

But still, what will my habits be once I am not worried about weight loss anymore? I think I figured it out, actually. They won't change. The daily eating regimen will be pretty much the same as it is now, save for a few extra calories per day. It's just what I do now, you know? Plus, just because I am at 240 doesn't mean I have to stay at 240. Maybe I won't be trying to lose weight, but that doesn't mean it can't come off. If, by the end of the summer, I am down to 235 or 230, then that's cool. If I am still at 240, then that's cool too.

In order to keep my weight in check, I think I'll weigh myself about once a week, and if I am over 240, I'll make that correction quickly. That's my maintenance plan.

The exercise will change, though I haven't quite yet figured out how. The elliptical will continue to be an important tool in maintaining my weight, but I might scale its use back to two or three times per week. But I think once I achieve my goal publicly, I will start a private regimen (no blog), to change my body. That means finding and staying on a lifting plan that will give me a little more definition and a lot less body fat. I'll start doing crunches and lunges and bench presses and curls. Lifting is the one thing I have been putting off during this endeavor, but I think it will become a big part of my life once I am done. After all, I pay for use of the entire gym, not just the elliptical machines.

But honestly, who knows what's in store for me after this? I do, however, think I owe it to myself to continue for a long time.

One thing I am really looking forward to is not worrying about social situations or taking a day off here and there. I will have to learn to keep things within reason, but I'll also learn to indulge without worry or sorrow.

What I have ahead of me is a life of balance, but it might take a while to figure out the proper balance. But in the end, I am confident that I can pull that off.

However, I have to lose these final 24 pounds first.

THE COUNTER
Starting weight: 299
Last weigh-in (Friday): 263.8
Total pounds lost: 35.2
Pounds until 240: 23.8

So it seems that the Fortress is working, and I am not wasting your time. Certainly we could have seen more dramatic results. With 100 perfect days, I probably could be down to 240 already and finally be out of your lives.

While I am sorry for rehashing the basic plot of this drawn-out drama, I just wanted to see how it looked on paper. 35 pounds is definitely a nice chunk of weight, so I am feeling good about myself.

I wonder, though, how many of you I have lost along the way. Maybe the lagging of the posts from daily to three times a week has turned you off. Maybe my constant empty promises of weigh-ins and blog entries that never happened have helped you decide I am not worth your time. That's ok. I don't mind. Really. But for whatever reason, comments have dwindled on Blogcritics. At this point, the most regular poster is Guy, who doesn't really count because he is my best friend and often just uses the BC forum to tell me what is going on his life. The other most frequent poster is Kevin, who also doesn't count because he is a very close friend as well.

So indulge me, if you will. Please let me give in to my insecurities for a moment. I am asking whoever reads this post to leave a comment, just so I know you are there. If you want to say "hi", say "hi". If you want to say "Fuck you", say "Fuck you." You won't hurt my feelings. If you want to offer your opinions on this series or my progress as a whole, that would be great. If you want to share your own story of fat-fighting, then that would be even better.

I am not pandering just for the ego boost. Instead, I would like to start answering your comments again. I want to know what you want me to write about, and I want to answer any questions you might have.

Also, I want to keep up the idea of the Fortress, and this blog is the foundation of that. It's a personal support group, of sorts. Something that keeps me in check when I think about running afoul. It's about having people that I don't want to let down. Thank God for the internet, because otherwise I would be in this alone, and I would have no one to answer to besides myself.

So let me hear from you.

As for the diet, the first three days of the Perfect April have gone according to plan. I am sticking to 1,500 calories per day, with a few new twists from time to time. Tuesday, I made my first eggbeater omelet, with onions and fat-free cheese. It was delicious. Monday, my roommate brought home a low-fat chicken sandwich from Starbucks (his place of employment). 330 calories, 3.5 grams of fat. Though I wouldn't ever pay the $6 price tag, it is definitely worth it if you get one for free.

As for the gym, I've gone the last two days. Monday, all the elliptical machines were taken, so I got on the stair climber for an excruciating, painful and sweaty 28 minutes. I wanted to stop, but I persevered. Now I have to make it back to the gym the next three days, and probably rest on Saturday.

I am confident that I'll make it through the complete 25 days without screwing up, Though there are some possible pitfalls along the way (a spring potluck at work on Thursday, for instance). But it will be interesting to see what happens in Week 2 or Week 3. I am guessing I'll try to convince myself to take a day off, but in the end, I'll realize why I am doing this, and what the eventual rewards will be.

That's it for today. Hope to hear from you guys (If you are out there, at least).

Hope you didn't miss me too much.

There's one thing I'd like to say. It may seem obvious, but it's something I have to learn again and again and it never really seems to sink in.

Losing weight is hard.

No matter how many pounds you lose, that next one is always a struggle. You need the right balance of motivation, mindset, willpower and decision-making. You need to be willing to cut yourself off from the world around you if that's the best way to go.

I've learned those lessons over the last three months. There were times early on when I felt like I could do this with my eyes closed. That's because the actual eating part of this isn't that hard. After a while, the eating just becomes routine. Get up, have cereal. Have a sandwich before work, have a salad during the dinner break, have some fruit around 9 p.m., have tea after work, mark down 1,500 calories in the diary. That's an easy schedule to keep, and I don't complain about that menu.

But the trouble comes after that's been done for a couple days. You've done well, you've lost weight, don't you deserve a reward? Then you start to think about it, and you arrange your days accordingly, and then you wonder the next week why you haven't lost as much weight.

Sometimes it is tough getting from point A to point B. Going from off day to off day with perfect attendance and the gym, or sticking exactly to the menu you've planned out. That's not easy to do.

Having an off-day planned right around the corner doesn't help, either. Instead, it enables you to rearrange your plans for short-term gratification. For instance, I moved Sunday's planned off day up to Friday last week. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but it thwarted momentum, and extended the time until the next off day and increased the likelihood of falling off the wagon before then.

Outside of the 100 percent effective abstinence method (i.e. just don't cheat), it can be difficult just to get to the off day. Why? Because it is viewed as something you created, and you can change around as you please.

That's where the discipline comes in. Really, it's all about how you view these things. If you look at an off day as something solid that can't be changed, you are likely to make decisions based on that view. So you won't move it up and stop your momentum, and you won't extend it to two days knowing you'll be back on the diet in three.

Anyway, on Saturday night I was thinking about the best way to bring this thing in for a landing, and I that got me to thinking about the off days a little bit. To date, I've generally taken an off day once a week, usually on Sundays. That's not something I am particularly happy about, just something I've done in order to make this a little more bearable.

But how long can I go without an off day?

That was the question I asked myself as I drove home from work. So I figured I would find out. As I thought about it more, it seemed to make sense. To be successful within a reasonable time frame, I need one more big push towards 240. If I can get within the realm of that number, it will be much easier to make that final push to the goal.

So here's the plan I came up with. For the rest of April, I am going to try to be perfect. Sunday, the first day of that plan, was April 6. That means 25 days of eating 1,500 calories (with the occasional jump up to the 1,700-2,000 range to change it up), and that means at least 18 trips to the gym in that time.

The next off day, which will be looked at as solid and immovable, will be Thursday, May 1.

The weight loss goal over that time will be to get under 250 pounds. That will leave me with less than 10 pounds to lose in May, which is something I can do.

If I might compare this to the Iraq war, which doesn't really seem apt outside of this particular metaphor, this plan would be the troop surge. And after I find success here, I will start working on my exit strategy, so to speak.

It seems like a big task ahead of me, 24 more days of eating perfectly. But I understand that there needs to be a sense of urgency, and I realize that delaying my gratification is the most important thing I can do right now.

There are three things you should definitely know. And, as you know, I am a big fan of numbered items, so here we go:

1) Monday I weighed in at 264.4, capping the most dramatic week of weight loss to date. After a three-day binge, I spent seven days eating as low-cal as I knew how, and lost at least (using 270.0 as a starting point) 5.6 pounds. That showed me what happens when I actually dedicate myself to this. Now, I need about six more weeks just like that and I will be bidding you goodbye at 240 pounds.

By the way, that 264.4 number is the lowest I have weighed since I was a 240-pound freshman in high school. Sophomore year I was 306, but I can't remember putting on that much weight. In college, I got down to 267 one February, but promptly gained it all back. So yeah, 264 is good.

2) Monday night I decided to go to Taco Bell. Not the best decision, but something I just happened to decide on as work was ending. I am not particularly upset about it, not beating myself up at all. I kind of figured that the 1,200 calorie menu couldn't be maintained for 14 straight days, as I had originally planned it. So I got that little slip up out of the way and moved on to Tuesday.

3) After a little bit of refocusing on Monday night, and a certifiable ass-dragging to the gym Tuesday morning (Well, my Tuesday morning, your 12:30 p.m., 3:30 p.m. if you live in the east), I returned to the 1,200-1,500 calorie diet perfectly. Big salad and fruit as the big meals. Now I just need to get to Sunday (next planned off day), and then weigh in one more time and hope that Taco Bell didn't totally derail this week. Of course, after Sunday, it's back on the wagon for, hopefully, two weeks. Somehow I see the end in site, and I don't want to prolong it more than I have to.

And that's pretty much the happening on the Fortress. Anything you'd like to say?

Cheerios, turkey sandwich, big salad, fruit platter (with two apples, an orange and a nectarine!).

That should add up to about 1,400-1,600 calories.

What I am not going to do tomorrow
Work out. Why? Substituting Monday's workout for Thursday, since I happen to have a rare Thursday off this week. Plus, I find it hard to go four days in a row. (Catch the hint there that I went to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am doing pretty well.)

The real reason I brought you here today
I am dancing in my chair with new, yet familiar, musical sounds buzzing about the room. I am wearing a year-old light blue T-shirt that once hugged my body, but now hangs loosely and comfortably over my torso.

I am writing by lamplight with a space heater warming my legs. I am gazing around my room and seeing a typical, whimsical mess of clothes, books, a scale and bedding.

I am attentive to what the future will bring. I am hopeful and realistic and aware of the challenges ahead.

I am aware of success, those in the past and those coming around the corner. The former must be celebrated while the latter coddled. I know success doesn't happen right now. It is an entity that exists either in the past or the future. I am not successful, but I have been successful and I will be successful. Now is always the time for reflection. Now is when you figure out how you did and how you will.

I am not high.

Not at all, actually.

Instead, I am just happy on this Sunday night. I can't exactly figure out why. Perhaps it is just one of those nights where I get to sit at my computer, listening to new music and enjoying the fruits of labor of the past week.

Before I get into specifics, I am going to toss a quick plug out there. I am listening to the new Counting Crows album, as I have been all weekend. And though I am still in the breaking-it-all-down stage, I think I am ready to label this a great album. Of course, it helps that, after all these years, I am still huge Counting Crows fan and credit Adam Duritz with helping me get over every heartbreak I have ever experienced. Still, upon four listenings and a few glances at the lyrics, I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those albums that defines a time period for me.

Kind of like when I was a freshman in College and bought "The Dave Mattews Band Live at Red Rocks", or when Blues Traveler's "Four" got me through my junior year of high school, or when O.A.R.'s "The Wanderer" was all over the place during my third summer in college, or when "White Blood Cells" by the White Stripes guided my studies through that deciding fifth year of college, or, more recently, when I spent my first full summer in California listening to the Hold Steady. I think you get the point.

Anyway, there is a very good chance that "Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings" by the Counting Crows will immediately remind me of that time I got down to 240 pounds.

So yeah, check it out if that's your thing.

But back to the task at hand. There is strong evidence, though I am not ready to call it incontrovertible, that the recent changes in the diet are working exactly as I had hoped.

After eating under 2,000 calories for six straight days, and going to the gym for five out of six days, I weighed in on Sunday morning at 267.4. Before I went to the gym around 6 p.m., I weighed in at 266.2 (Don't ask me how I weighed less. I prefer not to question these things). Since I didn't weigh myself on Monday, the first day of the changes, I can't exactly say how much weight I lost. But I know that I am two or three pounds down from Thursday, since I was 269 then.

For the first time, I can see 240 clear ahead. In the distance, for sure, but clear ahead.

While living in the Colorado plains in 2005, I drove to the mountainous regions for work one weekend. There was a moment on that drive that parallels this quest so perfectly and obviously, that I just have to share it.

I drove through the flatlands, past the same cows and crops over and over again. Then, past a curve, there was a single mountain barely visible in the distance. Had it not been a perfect Colorado day, it would have been covered by the thinnest clouds. But it sat there like in a fifth grader's diorama staring me down from at least 100 miles away. That mountain was at least two hours away by car. But I could see the snow line and the trees underneath it. That was the first time I saw mountains on that stop in Colorado (clarification: I did my internship in the very mountainous Colorado Springs back when I was in college), and it was the first time I realized they were actually there.

I drove a few more hours, and the mountains, sure enough, showed up with all their grandeur and majesty.

Looking back on these past seven days -- including a Sunday where my "cheat" was eating two weight watchers meals (600 calories combined), too many blackberries and a nectarine that I probably didn't need - It dawned on me that this might have been the best week of my life in terms of eating right and exercising. Obviously, I can't say that for sure, especially since I lost 95 pounds two years ago (and I must have done something right then). But I can't imagine that I've done better than I have in the last seven days. I haven't been more focused, I haven't treated this quest with more reverence, and I haven't performed so perfectly.

But as I said earlier: Success is only in the past and in the future. I sit here now as a man who has been successful before, and will be successful again. For now, though, I am content with just knowing what has been done and what lies ahead.

I leave you today, this official opening day of the baseball season, with one thought that I will be echoing, hopefully, in October: Go Tigers.

Cheerios, turkey sandwich, chicken sandwich from Starbucks (brought home by roommate, sandwich is lowfat with 330 calories and 3.5 grams of fat), Fruit platter, apple after work.

HOW THURSDAY WENT
Probably not the best day, but interesting nonetheless. Actually, I'll detail it in the next section, which happens to be coming up right....now.

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So Thursday, I blew off the gym and decided to go Saturday instead. Not the best idea, I suppose, but one I am comfortable with. As long as I get there five times per week, I'll be happy. Of course, the key to regularly going to the gym five days per week is to go when the week actually begins. As it is, I've already blown off Sunday and Thursday this week, putting the pressure on to get there Friday and Saturday. But this is pressure I can handle.

As for Thursday's menu, I didn't exactly follow it. But, looking back at the day, I think it all worked out decently in an odd way.

Originally, I planned a tuna sandwich for Meal 3, which came around 6 p.m., and then four pieces of fruit around 9 p.m. Instead, I came home from work to eat, and decided to make a salad before all my vegetables went bad. That was a 600 calorie meal. Then I forgot to pack the fruit so I could eat it at work. So I was kind of stuck. Instead of two apples, an orange and a pear, I had to improvise. What did I do? I had two Jolly Ranchers, some dried out mango and about 10 pea pods, all scavenged from coworkers. When I came home at 11:30, I just brewed up some tea and that was that.

I didn't feel all that great about the Jolly Ranchers at the time, but now I think it was fine, and maybe even the right choice. After all, it helped keep my metabolism going and my calories were almost certainly within the desired range. I don't want my last meal to come at 6 p.m. when I am going to bed around 3 a.m. This is about calorie intake rather than the kind of calories I put in my body. Jolly Ranchers might not be the best choice, but in that situation I thought they were better than nothing.

I also decided to weigh myself on Thursday for the first time in at least a week. Sorry, but sometimes the curiosity gets to me. Plus, I wanted to have some frame of reference for the next weigh in on Sunday. Basically, the number was a relatively pleasing 268.4 pounds.

That means that at least one, and maybe even both, of the following statements are correct: 1) the three-day weekend binge didn't hurt me all that much. 2) the changes I have made to the diet over the last three weeks are working splendidly. I'll be curious to see what the number is on Sunday after three more days of healthy eating and two more days of exercising.
I guess, optimistically, I might hope for 265, which would be a major success for this week. But more realistically, any number in the 266 range would be encouraging. Of course, my current low-weight is right around 268, so anything under that would signal success.

However, if I am back over 270, I might just have to give the whole thing up and accept life as a slimmed-down fatty. But if I do what I am supposed to do, there is no way that will happen.

Meal 2
Turkey Sandwich and an apple
Calories: 250
Fat: 4 grams

Meal 3
Tuna Sandwich and an apple
Calories: 360
Fat: 3 grams

Meal 4
1 orange
1 pear
Calories: 150ish
Fat: 1 gram

Meal 5
Turkey Sandwich
Calories: 200
Fat: 4 grams

Total calories: 1,260
Total fat: 12 grams

How Wednesday went: It went well. Glad you asked, actually. I followed the menu to a tee, and ellipticised for 30 minutes, burning the required 500 calories. So I guess I can say I am healthier for it today.

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So what do we want to talk about today? Feelings? No. I have made it clear that I am optimistic. We could talk about the diet itself, but these days I find that kind of boring. You can only get so much mileage out of turkey sandwiches and salads.

I could, however, talk about how this diet helped me forge a love of tea. But that seems kind of dry as well.

Instead, we'll talk about body image. In recent years, I have compared my body to that of football players, namely, what position a man of my measurements would play in the NFL.

There's a pretty good reason for this analogy. See, I was blessed with NFL size. It's true. I am thick and meaty, a full 6-foot-3 inches, bulging up to 300 pounds by my sophomore year of high school. I was an offensive lineman in high school and even caused a bit of a college recruiting frenzy (three schools sent letters!) after my senior year.

I don't know that I was ever really looked at as "fat" in high school, there were other shorter, much fatter kids around to play that role. Instead, I was always called "Big." My freshman year of college, I was nicknamed "Big Dan" by the somewhat uncreative but good natured "Sweet" Ray Barger, who took it upon himself to give everyone nicknames (including himself). I am large-framed and broad-shouldered, the kind of guy who girls have always said they felt protected around. Some (many) have called me a "big teddy bear," which is a euphemism for "We can be friends, but I'll never sleep with you".

So to give you an idea, if all it took to play professional football was decent size, I would probably be a backup linemen for the worst team in the league.

I began using the football player analogy when I was 370 pounds. Back then, I was obviously a defensive tackle, the fattest men in sports. During the 100 Days blog, all I wanted was to get to 270 so I would have the measurements of a defensive end. Well, here I am, definitely more defensive end than defensive tackle.

But now I want to get to 240, which is linebacker size. Granted, I won't look like a linebacker, what with ways to go before I get any real definition in my arms and back. But weight-wise, I'll be right there.

For now, though, I see myself as a defensive end. And I am pretty happy about that.

When I look in the mirror these days, I can't ever get past the difference the defensive tackle I used to be and the defensive end I am now. It feels like almost all of the weight has come off of my face. Honestly, my belly still seems huge to me, but my face has slimmed down to half the size. My features are sharper, my jaw line is actually taking shape. It's those mirror moments when I feel proudest because I know what I used to see.

But then I put my head down and see that stubborn double-chin. Unnoticed by others, maybe, but a perpetual nuisance to me. In those moments, I understand why I am still working to lose weight.

Though I am a healthy, decent looking man right now, I just have to know what I will be once my goal is complete. I can live life at 270 without problem. I can find a cute girl who likes big guys, I can be active and attractive and fun and intimidating all at the same time. But I get this feeling that I don't know what I'm missing 30 pounds down. I still don't know what it's like to go into a clothing store and know for sure that they'll have your size. I still don't know what a scale looks like on the underside of 250. And I still don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and fully accept what you see.

I see people I want to be. I see larger than normal men with my frame, carrying weight smoothly and easily. I see them all over, at the gym, at the store, at a game. I study them when I can, and I wonder how I would look if I stood next to them. Do I look like them? If not, what do I have to do to look like them? I think back to a college friend named Ben who was as much of a dick as he was a great drinking buddy. From the next down, he looked like I want to look. Tall, broad, long and almost slender. He carried between 230 and 240 during the times I knew him. We were the same height.

It's not that I am romanticizing these people. No, it's more like aiming an arrow. I see what I want to be. I wonder how close I actually am. From defensive tackle to defensive end, then down to linebacker. From the men at the gym, back in time to Ben, I know what I am trying to look like.

There was the ultimate high that, once broken through, led to a wall that just didn't ever seem to fall. After reaching the 100-pound milestone at the beginning of March, I didn't lose another pound for two weeks, no matter how hard I tried. Last Friday, the wall beat me, I am sad to say. After banging into it again and again for two straight weeks, I had had enough.

So I fell off the wagon over the weekend. Call it a three-day binge if you want. That's pretty much what it was. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, eating like I was aiming for 370 by the end of the weekend.

But I can safely say that this was a physical binge only. My mind never really strayed from the task at hand. If I want to rationalize three days of eating like shit, I can do so by telling myself it was a needed respite and a chance to figure out how to tear down that fucking wall.

Sunday, free from work and any real responsibilities, I took a walk along the Vallejo waterfront. It was the first time I had walked outside in months. But I needed to clear my mind, needed to reflect on the first half of this diet, needed to devise a plan that would lead to success in the second half.

Somehow, I came up with something.

It is obvious to me, and probably to you, that the first half of this diet was, shall we say, casual. Off days were taken regularly, I ate extra calories here and there and I treated the gym like a chore instead of a certifiable path to health. I didn't love being on a diet, I just saw it as something I had to do.

The lapses were clear to me, which was good as it gave me an idea as to where to begin the second half. That walk helped show me the way. Underneath an unusually hot California sun, I strolled through a dirt path next to the Mare Island strait.

It occurred to me that I should pay more attention to what I eat and when I eat it. I should go to the gym nearly every day. I should, in some way, have a time frame in which to lose this weight. I realized that I need an intensive, all-inclusive commitment to losing the last 30 pounds.

I knew things had to change, or I would stay at 270 for a long while. I don't want that because 270 is definitely not the destination here. That would be like planning a road trip from New York to Los Angeles, but stopping in Nebraska instead because you were tired of driving. Right now I am in Nebraska. And you should know, Nebraska is my least favorite state in the union.

So here's what I came up with for these last 30 pounds. Do I think that this plan will work? Yes I do, but mainly because I don't have any other options right now. So here's what I will be striving for from here on out:

1. I will go to the gym at least five days per week. Sunday, Wednesday and Friday will be lifting and elliptical days. Monday and Tuesday will be elliptical days only. Thursday and Saturday are optional, but encouraged.

2. I will cap my daily caloric intake at 1,500. Maybe you think that's low. I think that's high. Ideally, 1,200 works best.

3. I will strive to eat five 300 calorie meals throughout the day. However, I will be happy if I have three 300 calorie meals and one 600 calorie meal.

4. I will refrain from Weight Watchers meals and Subway sandwiches for the duration of the diet. These items are useful in moderation, but I have been abusing their existence. The food I eat will come from the grocery store and my refrigerator.

5. I will have a newfound commitment to eating vegetables and fruits as snacks. I will continue to eat big salads for my 600 calorie meal. I will stock up on apples, oranges and other fruits in order to help this along.

6. I will have my final meal of every day at or before 9 p.m. However, on work nights, I will permit myself one piece of fruit at 11:30 p.m. or directly after I get off.

7. I will drink more water. All Diet Pepsi will be replaced by either cold water or hot tea.

8. I will make a daily menu plan the night before. I will not stray from this menu plan throughout the next day. I will post this menu plan each day on the blog, and then let you know how it went in the next post.

9. I will update this blog five times per week, Monday through Friday. Though the posts may not have life lessons in them, they will keep you up to date, and keep me accountable, as to how the day went.

10. I will take off days no more than once every two weeks. Also, I may choose to take an off-day at each 10-pound marker (i.e. 260, 250.)

11. I will weigh myself once a week on Sunday mornings. (However, this is subject to change as we go along).

12. I will be down to 240 pounds by June 30, if not before.

And that's what I came up with. The menu will begin tomorrow. So you know, Monday was a good day, with an intake of about 1,500 calories and a trip to the gym for cardio and some light lifting. The real weight lifting regiment begins on Wednesday.

I am optimistic about this plan. I think it eliminates some of the lethargy that plagued the first half of this diet.

So be optimistic with me. I think we've got a real shot at success.

But then, it does occur to me that many of you may not have been around then, and for some reason you still haven't taken the time to go back through the photos on my site. That's ok. If you want to see before and after pictures from the 100 Days, then go to this link which will take you through an exhilarating journey of a super fat man who shrunk down to an acceptably fat man.

Anyway, the reason I haven't posted any photos yet is because I am not particularly computer savvy. And when I learn things, I forget them. So while it may be true that I have been told in the past how to post photos on Blogcritics (and on my own site for that matter), I have also forgotten all of that. But I do understand the value of photos in something like this. So I promise to make the effort sometime in the next week to figure it all out so you can all see how good looking I am today.

The other reason I am not so hot on sending photos right now is because I haven't seen that much physical change with the first 30 pounds lost. Certainly I can tell a little bit. My face is a bit smaller than it was at the start. My clothes fit better, I feel like I am carrying around less weight. But so far, no one has noticed any weight loss. (Then again, none of my coworkers noticed that I had gained 30 pounds, either). That's one thing I am looking forward to with the second half of the diet. As I embark on weights that I haven't ever seen as an adult, I can only assume that, physically, I will change a great deal. Obviously, I can't really tell you what I will look like at 240, but I do expect that it will be recognizably different than I look at 270.

But still, as a faithful reader you deserve visual evidence that I am telling the truth with all of these posts (as if I could make this sad story up). So you have my word. I will talk to people who know things about things, and you will see for yourself very soon.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business.

After Tuesday's post, I thought a little more about the social aspect of this. I can't get around it at all. I can't really have a social life while trying to lose this last bit of weight. The other part of that is the money aspect. I have said before that I am trying to save up some scratch so I don't have to keep living paycheck to paycheck. Well, in my attempt at a social life, I have ravaged my savings account over the last month or so. So I am pretty much back at square one with that.

But it does seem obvious to me that being social and doing things that social people have a very negative effect on this endeavor. In order to be successful, I must stay in. That's not as bad as it sounds since I rather enjoy spending time alone. It only gets lonely on the weekend nights when other people my age are out drinking and doing stupid things. I have averted that loneliness by assuring myself that soon I will be doing stupid things. I just have to kind of hang out for a while before I emerge into the land of stupidity.

So with that decision 100 percent made Tuesday afternoon, I had one more social sendoff. I went and met a friend down in San Francisco, and we lived it up with food and beers and other unhealthy diversions. It was a great night, and affirmed my affinity for doing stupid things. But it won't be hard saying goodbye to that life for the next few months. I am looking forward to building up that savings account number, and doing things I want to do on my own terms. I will be seeing movies by myself. I will be working out as much as I can stomach. I will be thinking about life and all that other good stuff.

Just so you know, I woke up around 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning, and was at the gym by 11. I lifted and did 30 minutes of ellipticising, all while wondering how long it will actually take to get down to 260. My guess is that if I stick with it, it should take about two weeks. But we'll see about that.

So Tuesday's night of debauchery wasn't a lapse in judgment. Instead, it was a ceremonial farewell to something I know I have to sacrifice. I felt good about the whole night, and I felt even better about Wednesday.

I know I am not in the home stretch quite yet. We'll save those words for the final 20 pounds. But I know the mentality I must have to finish strong, and I believe I am already within that mindset.