Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 125

I'm OK!

Some were asking about that, considering my somewhat depressive last post.

Rest easy, I am fine. Although I might be a few pounds heavier than when we last spoke. Other than that, though, I am cool.

So I have some explaining to do, especially to those who have followed this with any sort of regularity. These last two weeks haven't been good to the diet. Actually, they've almost killed the diet.

We won't go into specifics, other than to say that IN-N-Out Burger is the greatest thing known to man. (If you live outside of California, Nevada or Arizona, you might seriously think of relocating just so you can experience the wonder of the greatest fast food restaurant known to man).

Still, last week was sketchy at best. It was an on-again, off-again series of frustrations and self-convincing. Sort of a back and forth between "Fuck this" and "Remember what's at stake."

I gave up on the gym after Monday. Just didn't feel like going. I gave up on eating healthy at all on Friday. Just didn't feel like doing it any more. Looking back, last week was a blur. I can't tell you how many bad days I had (Although Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday might be accurate). And I can't tell you exactly what I ate on those days.

But I know that if the title of this blog was "Dan Nied's Fortress of Becoming a Fatass Again," then last week would have been ideal.

Don't start thinking I've given up, though. I haven't. I think I just needed a little break. As Alexandria said in one of her comments, I needed to have a pity party. So I did. It was great.

I'm not embarrassed to say that the stress of this project got to me a little bit. I found that I wasn't happy with the recent progress at all, and I was depressed when I realized that I am only 10 pounds lighter now than I was a year ago.

I wondered why nobody had noticed my transformation yet. Then I figured out that I hadn't physically changed at all. When I began my current job in July 2006, I weighed 275 pounds. On Christmas Day, 2007, I was 299. Now in April 2008, I am somewhere around 265.

Though I have lost 34 pounds since Christmas, it's really only 10 pounds. No one at work noticed when I gained 24 pounds. So why would they notice when I lose 10? Makes sense.

But that's why I had been looking forward to this particular period so much. I saw the first 30 pounds as getting back to the starting line. I saw the last 30 pounds as a triumphant victory lap. I always knew that there wouldn't be noticeably physical differences until I was around 255 or so. But for some reason, I just haven't been able to push my way to that point.

Kind of frustrating.

Also frustrating was the constant spewing of optimistic thought I've given you on this blog. Yes, I can write inspirational musings here, and I can make it look like my fuck ups are just happy accidents. But I just got sick of taking that angle. I didn't feel like bullshitting you (or myself) anymore.

Basically, I didn't like the way I was handling this situation. In myself, I saw a great lack of willpower and an endless supply of empty promises. Oh, I will go all of April without screwing up! But in reality, I lasted six days. Oh, I will go to the gym five times a week! But somehow I kept forgetting that that meant only two days off from the gym.

To top it all off, I wasn't mentally stable when it came to food. Maybe I tried to hide it, but it should be obvious that I lionized the off days entirely too much. I convinced myself that I had to have them, and once I got to that glorious day of food freedom, I would be in my element enjoying the spoils of my hard-earned victory over fatassedness.

And no matter how many times I ended an off day thinking "that just wasn't worth it," I couldn't fully shake myself of the fantasy of fast food. I'd finish $13 of Taco Bell and think it might have been the worst meal of my life. But instead of swearing off Taco Bell, I just kept hoping that the next time would be more fulfilling.

That is an endless cycle I don't much care for.

All of those things kind of gathered up around me last week. I responded by not dealing with them for a while. My thoughts never strayed from the diet, though. In fact, I'd say I thought about it more last week than at most other times.

Eventually, I realized that I was regrouping. I tried to strategize a little bit, and told myself that I am really not that far away from my goal. I thought about the time frame I am working with (heading back to Detroit in mid-July), and was honest with myself about how long I can really keep doing regular blog updates (sad to say, I don't see this blog lasting past mid-June. But I have been known to offer non-binding timelines before).

I figured I should make a run at The Perfect May. But then I remembered how that went in April.

Finally, I thought about what life has to be like once all the weight is off. Actually, when all the weight is off, I will probably change very little about my current lifestyle. I'll still control caloric intake. I might even start working out more instead of less. I'll probably start lifting weights in an effort to tighten up my body. The only thing that will be gone (hopefully) is the guilt.

That brings us to the big question: What happens from here on out?

First, let me tell you I don't want to make any promises. Let me also tell you that I don't feel like I have to make any dietary changes. What was good enough for the first 105 pounds is probably going to be good enough for the last 25.

As I have always maintained, this is going to be about mental strength. Maybe I can have a Perfect May. Hell, maybe I will. But I am not going to put pressure on myself to do it. Instead, I'll just concentrate on taking the weight off with the same techniques that have always worked.

I could give up. I know that. But I also know that I owe it to myself to complete this journey. I've waited too long to do this to let it fall a few pounds short.

Again, no promises, but here is a timeline that I have in mind. Sunday was April 27. That's 35 days until June 1. I think I can lose 20 pounds in that time (again, no promises, no crazy measures taken. I just think if I do what I need to do, I can lose 20 pounds in 35 days). That will take me to, at worst, 250. That leaves 10 more pounds for the next month and a half.

It's an achievable goal. We'll just see if I can do it.

But again, I owe it to myself to find out.