Happy Sunday
What I am going to eat today
Again, a quick menu, starting from Meal 1...
Cheerios, turkey sandwich, big salad, fruit platter (with two apples, an orange and a nectarine!).
That should add up to about 1,400-1,600 calories.
What I am not going to do tomorrow
Work out. Why? Substituting Monday's workout for Thursday, since I happen to have a rare Thursday off this week. Plus, I find it hard to go four days in a row. (Catch the hint there that I went to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am doing pretty well.)
The real reason I brought you here today
I am dancing in my chair with new, yet familiar, musical sounds buzzing about the room. I am wearing a year-old light blue T-shirt that once hugged my body, but now hangs loosely and comfortably over my torso.
I am writing by lamplight with a space heater warming my legs. I am gazing around my room and seeing a typical, whimsical mess of clothes, books, a scale and bedding.
I am attentive to what the future will bring. I am hopeful and realistic and aware of the challenges ahead.
I am aware of success, those in the past and those coming around the corner. The former must be celebrated while the latter coddled. I know success doesn't happen right now. It is an entity that exists either in the past or the future. I am not successful, but I have been successful and I will be successful. Now is always the time for reflection. Now is when you figure out how you did and how you will.
I am not high.
Not at all, actually.
Instead, I am just happy on this Sunday night. I can't exactly figure out why. Perhaps it is just one of those nights where I get to sit at my computer, listening to new music and enjoying the fruits of labor of the past week.
Before I get into specifics, I am going to toss a quick plug out there. I am listening to the new Counting Crows album, as I have been all weekend. And though I am still in the breaking-it-all-down stage, I think I am ready to label this a great album. Of course, it helps that, after all these years, I am still huge Counting Crows fan and credit Adam Duritz with helping me get over every heartbreak I have ever experienced. Still, upon four listenings and a few glances at the lyrics, I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those albums that defines a time period for me.
Kind of like when I was a freshman in College and bought "The Dave Mattews Band Live at Red Rocks", or when Blues Traveler's "Four" got me through my junior year of high school, or when O.A.R.'s "The Wanderer" was all over the place during my third summer in college, or when "White Blood Cells" by the White Stripes guided my studies through that deciding fifth year of college, or, more recently, when I spent my first full summer in California listening to the Hold Steady. I think you get the point.
Anyway, there is a very good chance that "Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings" by the Counting Crows will immediately remind me of that time I got down to 240 pounds.
So yeah, check it out if that's your thing.
But back to the task at hand. There is strong evidence, though I am not ready to call it incontrovertible, that the recent changes in the diet are working exactly as I had hoped.
After eating under 2,000 calories for six straight days, and going to the gym for five out of six days, I weighed in on Sunday morning at 267.4. Before I went to the gym around 6 p.m., I weighed in at 266.2 (Don't ask me how I weighed less. I prefer not to question these things). Since I didn't weigh myself on Monday, the first day of the changes, I can't exactly say how much weight I lost. But I know that I am two or three pounds down from Thursday, since I was 269 then.
For the first time, I can see 240 clear ahead. In the distance, for sure, but clear ahead.
While living in the Colorado plains in 2005, I drove to the mountainous regions for work one weekend. There was a moment on that drive that parallels this quest so perfectly and obviously, that I just have to share it.
I drove through the flatlands, past the same cows and crops over and over again. Then, past a curve, there was a single mountain barely visible in the distance. Had it not been a perfect Colorado day, it would have been covered by the thinnest clouds. But it sat there like in a fifth grader's diorama staring me down from at least 100 miles away. That mountain was at least two hours away by car. But I could see the snow line and the trees underneath it. That was the first time I saw mountains on that stop in Colorado (clarification: I did my internship in the very mountainous Colorado Springs back when I was in college), and it was the first time I realized they were actually there.
I drove a few more hours, and the mountains, sure enough, showed up with all their grandeur and majesty.
Looking back on these past seven days -- including a Sunday where my "cheat" was eating two weight watchers meals (600 calories combined), too many blackberries and a nectarine that I probably didn't need - It dawned on me that this might have been the best week of my life in terms of eating right and exercising. Obviously, I can't say that for sure, especially since I lost 95 pounds two years ago (and I must have done something right then). But I can't imagine that I've done better than I have in the last seven days. I haven't been more focused, I haven't treated this quest with more reverence, and I haven't performed so perfectly.
But as I said earlier: Success is only in the past and in the future. I sit here now as a man who has been successful before, and will be successful again. For now, though, I am content with just knowing what has been done and what lies ahead.
I leave you today, this official opening day of the baseball season, with one thought that I will be echoing, hopefully, in October: Go Tigers.
A Jolly Thursday
WHAT I'LL EAT TOMORROW
It's a little late here, so I'll just run down the basics:
Cheerios, turkey sandwich, chicken sandwich from Starbucks (brought home by roommate, sandwich is lowfat with 330 calories and 3.5 grams of fat), Fruit platter, apple after work.
HOW THURSDAY WENT
Probably not the best day, but interesting nonetheless. Actually, I'll detail it in the next section, which happens to be coming up right....now.
THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So Thursday, I blew off the gym and decided to go Saturday instead. Not the best idea, I suppose, but one I am comfortable with. As long as I get there five times per week, I'll be happy. Of course, the key to regularly going to the gym five days per week is to go when the week actually begins. As it is, I've already blown off Sunday and Thursday this week, putting the pressure on to get there Friday and Saturday. But this is pressure I can handle.
As for Thursday's menu, I didn't exactly follow it. But, looking back at the day, I think it all worked out decently in an odd way.
Originally, I planned a tuna sandwich for Meal 3, which came around 6 p.m., and then four pieces of fruit around 9 p.m. Instead, I came home from work to eat, and decided to make a salad before all my vegetables went bad. That was a 600 calorie meal. Then I forgot to pack the fruit so I could eat it at work. So I was kind of stuck. Instead of two apples, an orange and a pear, I had to improvise. What did I do? I had two Jolly Ranchers, some dried out mango and about 10 pea pods, all scavenged from coworkers. When I came home at 11:30, I just brewed up some tea and that was that.
I didn't feel all that great about the Jolly Ranchers at the time, but now I think it was fine, and maybe even the right choice. After all, it helped keep my metabolism going and my calories were almost certainly within the desired range. I don't want my last meal to come at 6 p.m. when I am going to bed around 3 a.m. This is about calorie intake rather than the kind of calories I put in my body. Jolly Ranchers might not be the best choice, but in that situation I thought they were better than nothing.
I also decided to weigh myself on Thursday for the first time in at least a week. Sorry, but sometimes the curiosity gets to me. Plus, I wanted to have some frame of reference for the next weigh in on Sunday. Basically, the number was a relatively pleasing 268.4 pounds.
That means that at least one, and maybe even both, of the following statements are correct: 1) the three-day weekend binge didn't hurt me all that much. 2) the changes I have made to the diet over the last three weeks are working splendidly. I'll be curious to see what the number is on Sunday after three more days of healthy eating and two more days of exercising.
I guess, optimistically, I might hope for 265, which would be a major success for this week. But more realistically, any number in the 266 range would be encouraging. Of course, my current low-weight is right around 268, so anything under that would signal success.
However, if I am back over 270, I might just have to give the whole thing up and accept life as a slimmed-down fatty. But if I do what I am supposed to do, there is no way that will happen.
The Look
WHAT I'LL EAT TOMORROW
Meal 1
Bowl of Cheerios
Calories: 300
Fat: 0 grams
Meal 2
Turkey Sandwich and an apple
Calories: 250
Fat: 4 grams
Meal 3
Tuna Sandwich and an apple
Calories: 360
Fat: 3 grams
Meal 4
1 orange
1 pear
Calories: 150ish
Fat: 1 gram
Meal 5
Turkey Sandwich
Calories: 200
Fat: 4 grams
Total calories: 1,260
Total fat: 12 grams
How Wednesday went: It went well. Glad you asked, actually. I followed the menu to a tee, and ellipticised for 30 minutes, burning the required 500 calories. So I guess I can say I am healthier for it today.
THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So what do we want to talk about today? Feelings? No. I have made it clear that I am optimistic. We could talk about the diet itself, but these days I find that kind of boring. You can only get so much mileage out of turkey sandwiches and salads.
I could, however, talk about how this diet helped me forge a love of tea. But that seems kind of dry as well.
Instead, we'll talk about body image. In recent years, I have compared my body to that of football players, namely, what position a man of my measurements would play in the NFL.
There's a pretty good reason for this analogy. See, I was blessed with NFL size. It's true. I am thick and meaty, a full 6-foot-3 inches, bulging up to 300 pounds by my sophomore year of high school. I was an offensive lineman in high school and even caused a bit of a college recruiting frenzy (three schools sent letters!) after my senior year.
I don't know that I was ever really looked at as "fat" in high school, there were other shorter, much fatter kids around to play that role. Instead, I was always called "Big." My freshman year of college, I was nicknamed "Big Dan" by the somewhat uncreative but good natured "Sweet" Ray Barger, who took it upon himself to give everyone nicknames (including himself). I am large-framed and broad-shouldered, the kind of guy who girls have always said they felt protected around. Some (many) have called me a "big teddy bear," which is a euphemism for "We can be friends, but I'll never sleep with you".
So to give you an idea, if all it took to play professional football was decent size, I would probably be a backup linemen for the worst team in the league.
I began using the football player analogy when I was 370 pounds. Back then, I was obviously a defensive tackle, the fattest men in sports. During the 100 Days blog, all I wanted was to get to 270 so I would have the measurements of a defensive end. Well, here I am, definitely more defensive end than defensive tackle.
But now I want to get to 240, which is linebacker size. Granted, I won't look like a linebacker, what with ways to go before I get any real definition in my arms and back. But weight-wise, I'll be right there.
For now, though, I see myself as a defensive end. And I am pretty happy about that.
When I look in the mirror these days, I can't ever get past the difference the defensive tackle I used to be and the defensive end I am now. It feels like almost all of the weight has come off of my face. Honestly, my belly still seems huge to me, but my face has slimmed down to half the size. My features are sharper, my jaw line is actually taking shape. It's those mirror moments when I feel proudest because I know what I used to see.
But then I put my head down and see that stubborn double-chin. Unnoticed by others, maybe, but a perpetual nuisance to me. In those moments, I understand why I am still working to lose weight.
Though I am a healthy, decent looking man right now, I just have to know what I will be once my goal is complete. I can live life at 270 without problem. I can find a cute girl who likes big guys, I can be active and attractive and fun and intimidating all at the same time. But I get this feeling that I don't know what I'm missing 30 pounds down. I still don't know what it's like to go into a clothing store and know for sure that they'll have your size. I still don't know what a scale looks like on the underside of 250. And I still don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and fully accept what you see.
I see people I want to be. I see larger than normal men with my frame, carrying weight smoothly and easily. I see them all over, at the gym, at the store, at a game. I study them when I can, and I wonder how I would look if I stood next to them. Do I look like them? If not, what do I have to do to look like them? I think back to a college friend named Ben who was as much of a dick as he was a great drinking buddy. From the next down, he looked like I want to look. Tall, broad, long and almost slender. He carried between 230 and 240 during the times I knew him. We were the same height.
It's not that I am romanticizing these people. No, it's more like aiming an arrow. I see what I want to be. I wonder how close I actually am. From defensive tackle to defensive end, then down to linebacker. From the men at the gym, back in time to Ben, I know what I am trying to look like.
WHAT I AM GOING TO EAT TOMORROW
Yep, the menu begins.
Meal 1
2 cups of cheerios
1 ½ cups of skim milk
Approximate calories: 300
Approximate fat: 0 grams
Meal 2
Turkey sandwich (two slices of wheat bread, two slices of lean turkey, fat free mayo, mustard)
1 small apple
Approximate calories: 250
Approximate fat: 4 grams
Meal 3
1 big salad (lettuce, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, fat free croutons, sprouts, two slices of lean turkey, cottage cheese, low fat thousand island.)
Approximate calories: 600
Approximate fat: 8 grams
Meal 4
2 apples
1 orange
1 pear
Approximate calories: 270
Approximate fat: 1 gram
Approximate total calories: 1,420
Approximate total fat: 13 grams
THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So I am two days into the buckle-down, focus-in part of the diet, and things are going well. Gone is the despair I felt over the weekend, replaced by confidence and hope.
I can't say for sure that this is going to work, but it certainly can't hurt, right? Also, with science on my side (weight loss = calories burned - calories consumed), I can't lose. Right? Right.
You should know what I ate on Tuesday, so let's run it down, though it is very similar to Wednesday's menu: Cheerios, two turkey sandwiches, the fruit platter, another apple, some croutons with two slices of turkey. So not so bad, I suppose.
I also went to the gym as soon as I got up, a habit I am trying to get into on work days. I ellipticised for maybe the longest half hour of my life. Few things piss me off more than having to watch soap operas while I exercise. But dammit if the middle-aged crew didn't hit the elliptical just before me and switch the television to General Hospital. Personally, I would rather watch CNN or ESPN. But when the soaps are on, I can only get into it so much. I try to read the closed captioning like an actor, guessing the inflections of the lines, but that gets old after about one segment. So with no diversion, I had to try to actually think. That didn't work, so I watched the clock move slooooooowly toward 30 minutes. Finally I made it, hopped off and came home. Proud, but still pissy that it was a tougher-than-usual 30 minutes.
So that was my day, for the most part. And as much as I want to wake up tomorrow at 260 or 250, I know that's not going to happen. So that's kind of frustrating. But maybe I can wake up tomorrow and be a little bit lighter than I was today. Maybe I can take that first step towards 260 or 250. That's really what I have to do now. Just take those first steps.
Changing Things Up
The last few weeks have been remarkably tough on the Fortress.
There was the ultimate high that, once broken through, led to a wall that just didn't ever seem to fall. After reaching the 100-pound milestone at the beginning of March, I didn't lose another pound for two weeks, no matter how hard I tried. Last Friday, the wall beat me, I am sad to say. After banging into it again and again for two straight weeks, I had had enough.
So I fell off the wagon over the weekend. Call it a three-day binge if you want. That's pretty much what it was. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, eating like I was aiming for 370 by the end of the weekend.
But I can safely say that this was a physical binge only. My mind never really strayed from the task at hand. If I want to rationalize three days of eating like shit, I can do so by telling myself it was a needed respite and a chance to figure out how to tear down that fucking wall.
Sunday, free from work and any real responsibilities, I took a walk along the Vallejo waterfront. It was the first time I had walked outside in months. But I needed to clear my mind, needed to reflect on the first half of this diet, needed to devise a plan that would lead to success in the second half.
Somehow, I came up with something.
It is obvious to me, and probably to you, that the first half of this diet was, shall we say, casual. Off days were taken regularly, I ate extra calories here and there and I treated the gym like a chore instead of a certifiable path to health. I didn't love being on a diet, I just saw it as something I had to do.
The lapses were clear to me, which was good as it gave me an idea as to where to begin the second half. That walk helped show me the way. Underneath an unusually hot California sun, I strolled through a dirt path next to the Mare Island strait.
It occurred to me that I should pay more attention to what I eat and when I eat it. I should go to the gym nearly every day. I should, in some way, have a time frame in which to lose this weight. I realized that I need an intensive, all-inclusive commitment to losing the last 30 pounds.
I knew things had to change, or I would stay at 270 for a long while. I don't want that because 270 is definitely not the destination here. That would be like planning a road trip from New York to Los Angeles, but stopping in Nebraska instead because you were tired of driving. Right now I am in Nebraska. And you should know, Nebraska is my least favorite state in the union.
So here's what I came up with for these last 30 pounds. Do I think that this plan will work? Yes I do, but mainly because I don't have any other options right now. So here's what I will be striving for from here on out:
1. I will go to the gym at least five days per week. Sunday, Wednesday and Friday will be lifting and elliptical days. Monday and Tuesday will be elliptical days only. Thursday and Saturday are optional, but encouraged.
2. I will cap my daily caloric intake at 1,500. Maybe you think that's low. I think that's high. Ideally, 1,200 works best.
3. I will strive to eat five 300 calorie meals throughout the day. However, I will be happy if I have three 300 calorie meals and one 600 calorie meal.
4. I will refrain from Weight Watchers meals and Subway sandwiches for the duration of the diet. These items are useful in moderation, but I have been abusing their existence. The food I eat will come from the grocery store and my refrigerator.
5. I will have a newfound commitment to eating vegetables and fruits as snacks. I will continue to eat big salads for my 600 calorie meal. I will stock up on apples, oranges and other fruits in order to help this along.
6. I will have my final meal of every day at or before 9 p.m. However, on work nights, I will permit myself one piece of fruit at 11:30 p.m. or directly after I get off.
7. I will drink more water. All Diet Pepsi will be replaced by either cold water or hot tea.
8. I will make a daily menu plan the night before. I will not stray from this menu plan throughout the next day. I will post this menu plan each day on the blog, and then let you know how it went in the next post.
9. I will update this blog five times per week, Monday through Friday. Though the posts may not have life lessons in them, they will keep you up to date, and keep me accountable, as to how the day went.
10. I will take off days no more than once every two weeks. Also, I may choose to take an off-day at each 10-pound marker (i.e. 260, 250.)
11. I will weigh myself once a week on Sunday mornings. (However, this is subject to change as we go along).
12. I will be down to 240 pounds by June 30, if not before.
And that's what I came up with. The menu will begin tomorrow. So you know, Monday was a good day, with an intake of about 1,500 calories and a trip to the gym for cardio and some light lifting. The real weight lifting regiment begins on Wednesday.
I am optimistic about this plan. I think it eliminates some of the lethargy that plagued the first half of this diet.
So be optimistic with me. I think we've got a real shot at success.
Picture Perfect
A few people have openly wondered about photos. I do realize that in the past 80-plus days, I have not posted any photos of myself on this blog. It isn't because I am not ready to unveil myself or because I am ashamed of how I look. Actually, if you were around for the 100 Days blog, you've already seen my photos.
But then, it does occur to me that many of you may not have been around then, and for some reason you still haven't taken the time to go back through the photos on my site. That's ok. If you want to see before and after pictures from the 100 Days, then go to this link which will take you through an exhilarating journey of a super fat man who shrunk down to an acceptably fat man.
Anyway, the reason I haven't posted any photos yet is because I am not particularly computer savvy. And when I learn things, I forget them. So while it may be true that I have been told in the past how to post photos on Blogcritics (and on my own site for that matter), I have also forgotten all of that. But I do understand the value of photos in something like this. So I promise to make the effort sometime in the next week to figure it all out so you can all see how good looking I am today.
The other reason I am not so hot on sending photos right now is because I haven't seen that much physical change with the first 30 pounds lost. Certainly I can tell a little bit. My face is a bit smaller than it was at the start. My clothes fit better, I feel like I am carrying around less weight. But so far, no one has noticed any weight loss. (Then again, none of my coworkers noticed that I had gained 30 pounds, either). That's one thing I am looking forward to with the second half of the diet. As I embark on weights that I haven't ever seen as an adult, I can only assume that, physically, I will change a great deal. Obviously, I can't really tell you what I will look like at 240, but I do expect that it will be recognizably different than I look at 270.
But still, as a faithful reader you deserve visual evidence that I am telling the truth with all of these posts (as if I could make this sad story up). So you have my word. I will talk to people who know things about things, and you will see for yourself very soon.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business.
After Tuesday's post, I thought a little more about the social aspect of this. I can't get around it at all. I can't really have a social life while trying to lose this last bit of weight. The other part of that is the money aspect. I have said before that I am trying to save up some scratch so I don't have to keep living paycheck to paycheck. Well, in my attempt at a social life, I have ravaged my savings account over the last month or so. So I am pretty much back at square one with that.
But it does seem obvious to me that being social and doing things that social people have a very negative effect on this endeavor. In order to be successful, I must stay in. That's not as bad as it sounds since I rather enjoy spending time alone. It only gets lonely on the weekend nights when other people my age are out drinking and doing stupid things. I have averted that loneliness by assuring myself that soon I will be doing stupid things. I just have to kind of hang out for a while before I emerge into the land of stupidity.
So with that decision 100 percent made Tuesday afternoon, I had one more social sendoff. I went and met a friend down in San Francisco, and we lived it up with food and beers and other unhealthy diversions. It was a great night, and affirmed my affinity for doing stupid things. But it won't be hard saying goodbye to that life for the next few months. I am looking forward to building up that savings account number, and doing things I want to do on my own terms. I will be seeing movies by myself. I will be working out as much as I can stomach. I will be thinking about life and all that other good stuff.
Just so you know, I woke up around 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning, and was at the gym by 11. I lifted and did 30 minutes of ellipticising, all while wondering how long it will actually take to get down to 260. My guess is that if I stick with it, it should take about two weeks. But we'll see about that.
So Tuesday's night of debauchery wasn't a lapse in judgment. Instead, it was a ceremonial farewell to something I know I have to sacrifice. I felt good about the whole night, and I felt even better about Wednesday.
I know I am not in the home stretch quite yet. We'll save those words for the final 20 pounds. But I know the mentality I must have to finish strong, and I believe I am already within that mindset.
Little Victories
WHAT I ATE TODAY
Meal 1
1 bowl of cheerios with skim milk
Calories: 300
Fat: 2 grams
Meal 2
1 fat free yogurt
Calories: 100
Fat: 0 grams
Meal 3
2 slices of wheat bread
2 slices of turkey
10 slices of lowfat salami (they are small slices)
Calories: 310
Fat: 8 grams
Meal 4
2 Weight watchers frozen dinners
Calories: 580
Fat: 14 grams
Meal 5
10 slices of lowfat salami
1 slice of fat free cheese
10 fat free croutons
Calories: 220
Fat: 3 grams
Total Calories: 1,510
Total Fat: 27 grams
Exercise: 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. Lots of sweating.
THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
Motivation, as I said yesterday, is hard to find midway through the diet. So you take it where you can get it. More on that at the end.
First, I should admit that on Monday, I weighed in at 270.4 pounds, which means that I will soon be celebrating my third 100-pounds lost day pretty soon. Kind of depressing, eh?
But that's where you find your motivation in the rough times. You look at what you've done wrong, and you take charge to try and fix them. So I turned in a solid day on Tuesday, making sure I went to the gym (after some deliberation) and ensuring that my caloric intake was well within the desired range. I tapped back into what I was doing during the Assault on 270. During that glorious week, I always ate 1,500 calories or less. I went to the gym with regularity, and I didn't eat after 9 p.m.
I've got to turn in the same type of effort from here on out. I've got to stop banging my head into brick walls, just idling by and hanging out at 270. Again, it's time to take charge of this thing, which is easier said than done.
For the sake of my pride and the goal of not dragging this into next winter, I've got to start understanding the sacrifices I must make.
I received a few invitations to go drinking for St. Patrick's Day, but turned them down. Instead, I stayed in, watched a movie and saved money. Now, do I wish I was really, really drunk right now instead of writing about wishing I was really, really drunk? Yes I do. But it's Monday night right now, and I've exhausted my off days for the next couple of weeks.
The sad truth is, I need to become a recluse for a while. I need to stay in and focus on what's going on with my life. See, when this began in late December, I actually was a recluse. My plan was to cocoon myself, save money, and lose weight and then emerge anew in early summer.
But somewhere along the line I decided I could go out and have a social life and I would be ok. But I see now that it's really not true. I need to go back into my hole with no aspirations other than accomplishing the short-term goals I have set for myself.
That's why losing weight is so hard. You have to put yourself in situations where you will thrive. If you are going out to dinner three nights per week, if you are drinking every weekend, if you are dating and meeting new people, well, it's nearly impossible to stick to your guns. Sure, with a few healthy days during the week and a regular regimen of exercise, you can maintain your weight. But it is nearly impossible to actually lose weight.
So my options are pretty simple, as I really only have one. I am not social until these last 30 pounds come off. Does that mean I won't ever see anyone? No. It just means that I won't put myself in situations in which I can't succeed. If I want to go out drinking, it's got to be my only off day for a long time. If I want to go see a friend, then I'd better be sure that friend isn't going to insist that we go to an Italian restaurant for followed by a couple of beers at the corner bar.
Once these 30 pounds are off and I have a little bit of money saved up, I'll have no problem with increasing social affairs. Hell, bring 'em on. I'll want to show off my new look.
But for now, I have to view at myself as a art exhibit under construction. You don't go showing the public when only half the paintings are in place.
It's really about the commitment here, and realizing what I have to give up in order to achieve my goal. That's a lesson I've learned through weight loss, but hopefully I can use it in other aspects of my life.
As for grasping motivation, I did find a little victory on Monday. I was looking around for a shirt to work out in, and came across the oldest T-shirt in my collection. It's a worn, powder-blue undershirt that has a baseball on the left chest. One stitching of the ball reads "St. Thomas Aquinas" the other "Detroit, Michigan." I got it when I used to umpire tee-ball games as a freshman in High School.
I didn't have any other clean shirts, so I tried it on and it fit perfectly, though it was a bit short. I wore it to the gym anyway, as a dual reminder of where I am from, and where I will soon be.
The Wall
I know that I've been out of commission for the last week. And though I explained the reasons in Friday's post, I should apologize again.
One quick thing to get out of the way right now: If you were wondering about the St. Patrick-St. Vincent High girls basketball team I mentioned on Friday (they were playing for the California state title that afternoon), I should tell you that they won in stunning fashion. Yep, the Bruins came back from a 15-point third quarter deficit to beat La Jolla Country Day. While all that was going on, I was seated directly behind the La Jolla bench at Arco Arena, straining my neck to see around their coach. Mind you, this was courtside at an NBA arena. Had the Sacramento Kings been playing, my seats (had they not been reserved for press) would have cost at least $300. Yet, I still couldn't see a damn thing. Such is life, I suppose.
Sorry to lead this off talking about a girls high school basketball game. It's become kind of a habit since I wrote 13 stories about this team in seven days. That's kind of a lot, and it's really all I was allowed to think about all of last week.
But Sunday it occurred to me that I am supposed to be on a diet. So yeah, I had to snap back to that.
Actually, the diet was followed honestly last week, with only one deviation in calorie count. That came on Friday, actually, on the way back from the game when my coworker (who happened to be driving us) pulled into In-N-Out Burger.
If you don't live in California (or Nevada and Arizona) you may not be familiar with In-N-Out Burger. I'll just say that Friday was the fourth time I've ever been there, and it affirmed my suspicions that the chain is the Ferrari of the fast-food industry.
It's not that I couldn't say no. It's just that I didn't want to. By the way, the chain is spoken about more insightfully in the once best-selling book "Fast Food Nation." If I remember correctly, the book says that In-N-Out Burger actually pays its employees a living wage and uses ingredients that aren't shit on after shipping.
So yeah, read that book I guess.
Anyway, that made Friday the off day, though I had to fight hard to convince myself not to cheat on Saturday and Sunday.
The honest truth is, I have hit a slight wall in this process. I find it easier and easier to convince myself to cheat every day. And though I almost always come to my senses quickly, I fear that I am embarking back on the "There is always tomorrow" philosophy that got me into this fatty state in the first place.
Am I alarmed? Not particularly, but only because eating healthy has grown into a habit, and changing that habit takes a certain amount of planning and convincing.
I am, however, a tad weary of a growing tendency to overdo healthy items. For example, take the big fucking salad I made Sunday night. Now, when I make a salad, the ingredients can fit into two categories: The undoubtedly healthy things, and the reduced fat things.
The undoubtedly healthy things were as follows: Lettuce, mushrooms, onions, green pepper, tomatoes. The reduced fat things were: fat free shredded cheese, fat free cottage cheese, fat free croutons, lowfat salami, and nearly fat free thousand island dressing.
Also, there was salt and pepper to taste, but we'll just ignore those in this example.
The worry here comes from my willingness to add in extras of all the reduced-fat items. Those, of course, are the things that add calories to the salad, and make it a less-than-ideal meal. But there I was on Sunday, tossing in some extra cheese, extra salami, extra croutons.
While the salad probably didn't contain more than 600 calories (not bad for dinnertime standards), it is just a trend I'd prefer to make go away.
As for the wall I spoke about earlier, I just feel like I am doing myself no good. Perhaps it has something to do with not going to the gym after last Tuesday (though I made it back on Sunday, and should get on a regular schedule from here on out). It just feels like I am doing the least amount of work possible and cheating myself in the process.
I sort of expected this to happen around the halfway point. But I am still frustrated that it has taken so long to get to this point, and I am still in a bit of gray area here, since the finish line is still too far away to envision.
For now, I just need to concentrate on getting down to 265, then 260. This is the summer of the diet, and the dog days are setting in. Motivation is scarce because there really is nothing to immediately look forward to.
But I have to push the wall down and break through on the other side. Healthy eating decisions, regular trips to the gym, regular blog posts and an entirely optimistic outlook on this entire process. That's what this is going to take.
A New Assault
I am looking to the future.
That's really all there is to say. But, of course, since you are reading this (even if it is for free), you probably want a little more explanation to go along with your morning coffee.
You might even want something inspiring. Well, I can do that.
The last few weeks I have been obsessed with hitting the 100 pounds mark. I even made up a name for it: "The Assault on 270." Well, if you read Friday's post, you'll know that I both assaulted and battered 270. I am 100 pounds lighter than I was two years ago. It is a nice milestone, almost nice enough to get caught up in and lose focus of the true goal of getting to 240.
I let myself have a weekend to think about 100 pounds and what it means to me. By Monday, I was kind of done with all that. The Assault on 270 was complete, and there was a new leg of the journey to begin.
So Monday, I am proud to say, I began the Assault on 260. And it will probably ring true if I predict that every 10 pound increment from here on out will be known as the Assault on 250 and, finally, the Assault on 240. And yes, the "A" will be capitalized.
That's my plan to begin looking forward. I feel that I can keep up my current eating habits and, largely, my current exercise plan (with one major change that I will detail below), and get to 240 in a reasonable amount of time. So I don't see any need to drastically alter the diet. I do, however, see a need for a new gimmick to keep myself focused.
When the Assault on 270 began, I was 275.4 pounds. I turned in 10 great days and hit my goal with 1.2 pounds to spare. I stopped thinking about 240 pounds as the ultimate goal, and focused only on 270. I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible instead of letting it hang around and stress over it a little bit more.
Monday, it occurred to me. Why not "Assault" every round number that's left?
That is exactly what I am going to do. Now, my focus is on 260 rather than 240. And I want to take 260 by storm, breezing through this portion of the Fortress, and bum rushing the last third of this journey with momentum, tunnel vision and maybe a little bit of venom.
It's safe to say that, by design, this is the most important goal in my life right now. I look at myself naked every day, and I still see a bulging gut and fistfuls of fat. I look in the mirror and still see a double chin. I know these things won't go away simply through weight loss, but they can be minimized, and then dealt with entirely.
The Assault on 260 has begun. Monday, I ate only 1,250 calories (though I had originally planned for more), and went to the gym after taking it easy for the last five days.
My gym routine shifted to another level on Monday. I began lifting in addition to 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. For now, my lifting routine is fairly simple (chest, back, biceps, triceps, shoulders), but I will work in some abs as I go along, and possibly some more advanced lifts. I am using low weights and doing three sets of 20, a routine taught to me by an old friend, Bryan Shepherd, who is a baseball coach and trainer at the esteemed Northeastern Junior College in Sterling, Colo. Shep worked with me a little bit for the 100 Days blog, and I heeded his advice with noticeable results.
It seems like a natural time to start lifting weights. I've always known that this has to be about reshaping my body as much as it is about reducing it.
Here I am, beginning the new leg of this hike. From here on out, you won't have to read about 100 pounds or 270. You'll only read about the future and how I plan to make it count.
Guess who lost 100 pounds
THE COUNTER
Starting weight (January 4, 2006): 370 pounds
Last weigh-in (March 6, 2008): 269.8
Total pounds lost: 100.2
Pounds until 240: 29.8
It's hard to figure out how to begin this post.
Do I go back to the first step in the road on Jan. 4, 2006 when I began the 100 Days quest? Do I got back even further to that night in Dec. 2005 when I lay in bed at 2 a.m. thinking how grotesquely oversized my body had become?
That night I made a decision to lose weight. That night will go down as one of the most important of my life. I could start there.
But do I go back to the slow evolution in Colorado, where I went from merely obese at 325 pounds to impending heart attack fat at 370? Or do I go back to life as a kid in Detroit, when I started eating more than any 5-year old should?
Maybe I go back only a week, when I crept back up to 275 and began my "Assault on 270."
Maybe I shouldn't go back at all. Maybe I should just continue working toward the future, when all this will settle in behind me and my transformation will be complete.
If this sounds like a self-congratulatory, ego-filled rant, well, I guess it kinda is.
But I don't mind congratulating myself today, because I saw the number 269.8 on Thursday. Sorry, but I couldn't help but celebrate the loss of 100 pounds.
Yep, I made it. Yep, I'm proud. Please let me gloat, let me have this so I can figure out a way to frame it and put it on the wall in my room. Let me take this day and consider it one of my finest, the day that I hit a milestone I've pined after for more than two years; a milestone I all but abandoned on my first try.
It started with the idea of 100 pounds in 100 days. Ok, so that theory was proven wrong. But you gotta admit, 100 pounds in a very roundabout 796 days ain't so bad now, is it? Plus, if the theory was 100 pounds in 800 days, I would still have four to spare.
I hope by now you know the history. You know that I lost 95 pounds in five months the first time around, and then crept back up near 300 in late 2007. You know this is my second blog on the subject, and that I've been looking at 100 pounds as one of my main goals.
But you also know that the specific goal this time isn't to get under 270. No, it's 240. And that's what makes this a little bittersweet. Perhaps it is a little bit remarkable that the 100 pound benchmark also signifies the halfway point for the Fortress. I suppose it is fitting that as I put my initial goal behind me, I am turning the corner on the homestretch of my ultimate prize.
I won't rest here for long. Sure there may be a celebration in my future, one that I will keep private and under wraps and you will never hear about again on the pages of this Web site. Why? Because I'm not done. I've got 30 pounds left to lose, and that is non-negotiable.
When I return to you on Monday, I might have more to say about this milestone, and I will definitely have more to say about my approach to 240. That's the new 100 pounds, and that's not going to take 796 days to reach.
But still, I'll bask in the glow of this for just a little while.
When my accomplishment finally sunk in late Thursday night, I couldn't help but to go through my old fat pictures, along with the photos I've taken as I've lost weight. There is a stark difference between that Dan and this Dan. And while I marveled over the before-and-after, I couldn't actually take them seriously. I couldn't imagine that it was the same person.
Technically, it is. Not much has changed as drastically as my weight. But the shedding of the weight itself is change enough. It is proof of commitment and want. It is material evidence of growing up and inching closer to becoming the man I want to be.
There was one picture that I'll always remember. It is of my friend Jill and I at a bar in Detroit right before I began the 100 Days. There's Jill, beautifully dressed for the Midwest winters, a bright smile with glowing skin. She's got my hand around her shoulders, and I am resting my cheek against her head. I am smiling too, but my mouth is engulfed in fat. My double chin forms a horseshoe around my face, all the way up to my eyes.
I am wearing my gray button-up shirt because it was one of two that fit me back then. Most of this photo is taken up by my mass. The shirt is a never-ending blanket of material, not worn, but draped over a mushy lump of man.
I am at least three times Jill's size. The distance from my back to the tip of my stomach easily reaches three feet. I look like zookeepers should be throwing me fish during feeding time.
I am drunk, but I know I wasn't happy. I know I looked at Jill back then and knew that there was no way a woman like that could ever go for a man like me. Jill had a boyfriend back then, and they are married now. I had a weight problem back then, and I am on my way to eliminating it.
But I look at that photo and I know that version of me is dead. Instead I am here, 800 days later, 100 pounds lighter, a new man looking to change just one more time.
Resuming the assault
THE COUNTER
Starting weight: 299 pounds
Last weigh-in (March 3): 270.8
Total pounds lost: 28.2
Pounds until 240: 30.8
For four straight days, I executed my assault on 270 perfectly. My body was a calorie burning machine. My mind was a perfect balance of ferocity and discipline. My actions were desirable, my speech on point.
So Monday, I took a little break.
No, this wasn't a full-fledged pizza, beer and burgers off-day. Instead, it was one meal at Burger King, and it was sorta delicious. I also took a break from ellipticising and kind of kicked back on my day off of work.
Oddly, the Burger King trip wasn't worth it. It just wasn't that great. I would have been more satisfied with a double-meat club from Subway, possibly with Baked Lays. That would have been a better, and healthier, option. Oh well, live and learn.
I am unapologetic about my trip to Burger King, though, and that's basically because I am highly optimistic about what this week will bring.
Let's begin with the scale reading from Monday. I awoke to find I was definitely under the 271 mark, weighing in at 270.8. So that means less than a pound to go before I hit the 100-pound milestone. However, I need to be decently under that (say, 268) around Friday so I don't have to worry about inching back over that mark ever again.
I followed my mini-binge on Monday with a pretty damn good, if odd, Tuesday. Kind of surprising, too, considering Tuesday featured a trip to McDonalds.
I'll explain that one in a second, but first let me tell you that I came in around 1,200 calories and 15 grams of fat on Tuesday, though my sodium levels had to be through the roof.
I woke up and had my normal bowl of cereal for breakfast. Then I went to the gym before work and did the usual elliptical workout. After a quick check of email and a shower, I had to rush into work so I would have time to gather some things before heading to Sacramento (about an hour-long drive) to cover a game. Around 4:45, I realized I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast, so while I was gassing up the car, I went and got a 300-calorie bag of beef jerky (my best road-trip friend).
Once I got to Sacramento, I wanted to eat something a little more substantial before the game, knowing I wouldn't have a chance to eat until about 10 p.m. if I waited.
I know I should have packed something, but I didn't, and I was kind of stuck driving around a strange and ghettoish neighborhood in Sacramento looking for a Subway that would give me my desired club.
There was no Subway, though, as I searched for about 20 minutes. I did, however, find a McDonalds and decided I could find something that would satisfy me and aid the diet.
Luckily, I did. I got the classic grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo. I ordered only one of them, and while I hate to offer any endorsement for a major company, I must say the classic grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo was pretty darn good. So way to go McDonalds.
I figured this sandwich ran about 500 calories and about 10 grams of fat, though I was prepared for 15 grams. When I got home, I checked out the McDonalds Web site and found it was 420 calories with 10 grams of fat. So I wasn't too far off. However, I got mine plain, and there doesn't seem to be nutritional information for the sandwich without mayo or whatever sauce they slather it with. (By the way, that's kind of bullshit McDonalds.)
Anyway, we'll go with 420 and 10 for the sandwich. When I got home around 11 p.m., I made one of my famous turkey on wheat with fat-free Miracle Whip and mustard sandwiches, good for another 200 calories.
Total intake was about 1,220 calories for the day, with about 15 grams of fat.
A nice comeback from Burger King, eh?
The assault on 270 has resumed, and I will not disappoint here. This is the biggest week any of my weight-loss plans has ever seen, and by Friday, I will be victorious.
Some good news
I've just spent the last hour watching Barack Obama speeches on Youtube, so if I start going on and on about change and hope and being fired up and ready to go, I hope you'll cut me a little slack.
Oh, you want to talk about politics now? Ok, fine. I voted for Barack in the California primary.
Now that my political affiliations are out of the way, (by the way, I'm an independent voter), we should probably talk about something else.
But what to talk about? Hmmm....
Sports?
Entertainment?
European economic policy?
The crumbling newspaper industry?
Galbladder surgeries? (We're getting closer.)
Weight loss?
Ok, let's go with weight loss. Sorry for the stammering start there, I like to mix it up a little bit sometimes. But as weight loss goes, I happen to have some personal thoughts on the subject.
I am happy to announce that the assault on 270 going better than originally planned. You'll remember that Thursday morning I weighed in at 274.4, a 1.4 pound gain from the previous week. Well, after near-perfect days on Thursday and Friday that included between 1,500 and 2,000 calories and 30-minute elliptical sessions each day, I had a nice surprise on Saturday.
By the way, I hate unveiling these numbers, because I feel like it should be some sort of event. But I can't figure out the proper dramatic tone to set. (Some options I have pondered: "Ladies and Gentleman, my new weight is....." Without further adieu, I shall unveil my new weight as...," "For the first time in years, I looked down at that royal blue screen with the fat digital numbers, and saw the number... staring me straight in the eye. With that I shuddered, my body shaken to the core. At that moment, I had never wished so much that there was a God, and I was never so sure that there wasn't." In the interest of avoiding plagiarism, and to make sure that this parenthetical note goes down as the longest in history, I should note that the "wish there was a God" line came from an old Saturday Night Live game show sketch called "Who's More Grizzled) Then again, maybe I should just come out with it, and let you make your own judgments.
I am going to go with the SNL line: For the first time in years, I looked down at that royal blue screen with the fat digital numbers, and saw the number 272 staring me straight in the eye. With that I shuddered, my body shaken to the core. At that moment, I had never wished so much that there was a God, and I was never so sure that there wasn't.
So 272 is the number, which is pretty fucking awesome. I followed that up with a 1,500 calorie Saturday (though no ellipticising), and an 1,800 calorie, 30 minute elliptical Sunday. I am going to weigh myself again on Monday, and then wait until Friday. By that time, I should be well under 270, and out of the woods as far as taking an off-day and not nudging myself back over the 270 mark.
So tentatively, my 100-pounds party will be held on Friday, and none of you are invited. In fact, it will be a gory, but savory, series of meats, cheeses and possibly hookers (I'm not saying I am going to buy some lube and a hooker. It's actually highly unlikely. I'm just saying that there is probably a better chance of that happening on Friday than on almost any other day).
But there are two other things that I want to talk about on this Monday. We'll break them up with numbers
1. Exercise. I used to say that a person can lose weight without any exercise at all. The science backs me up there, since losing weight is really only about burning more calories than you ingest. However, the idea of exercise has been shockingly reinforced in me with this latest weight loss. Let's compare Thursday and Friday with the week before it.
The week: Three bad eating days, followed by three good eating days, but no exercise at all. I gained 1.4 pounds.
Thursday and Friday: Two good eating days, with the added benefit of 30 minutes of exercise each day. I lost 3.4 pounds.
So it is obvious to me how much power exercise has. It also serves as a psychological boost because it is the one thing I can truly control about my body. I can eat well on any given day, but I really don't have control over how my body reacts. But if I exercise and know from the elliptical machine that I have burned 530 calories (on average) for 30 minutes of work, I have taken things into my own hand, and I know for certain that my body has just burned those calories (or something in that neighborhood, if you don't trust the digital display.) Eating right is the more passive aspect of a diet. But exercise is hands on, a way of taking control of my own destiny.
It's not that I didn't know that before. It's just that there were (are) times I chose not to acknowledge that. Over the last two months, I have had days where I didn't think I needed to exercise, basically because I was lazy.
I wrote about this a few weeks ago, and it was something of an obvious epiphany. But one day I left the gym after a workout, and suddenly thought to myself "Every time I come here, I am one small step closer to reaching my goal." Though I can say that after every 1,600 calorie day, it doesn't have the same impact. After all, I have to eat, so it only makes sense to make better choices in that regard. But I don't have to ellipticise at all. Not doing it won't kill me or cause severe physical distress. So that is an extra, though vitally important, step that I have involved in this process.
2. Weigh-ins. They've been a controversial topic for the first two months of The Fortress, mostly because of my inconsistent actions toward them.
However, something else dawned on me Sunday morning. I woke up 24 hours after weighing in at 272 and I decided to get on the scale. Know what it said? 273. Did I somehow gain a pound while eating only 1,600 calories the day before? Not possible, as far as I know. Did not exercising on Saturday somehow add 3,500 calories to my body? No it didn't. So I thought for a second, calmly and without frustration I might add, and realized two things: A) I drank two cups of tea after midnight on Saturday, and B) I didn't take a shit at all on Saturday (sorry to bring that up, but everybody poops).
Ahh, the variables. I've always known they were there, and I was ready for them this time. At the start of this, gaining a pound after a good day would have sent me into a deep depression. But Sunday I shrugged it off, said to myself "yep, that's why I don't weigh in every day" and went on with my day. Why?
Well, I understand it all now. It's not a question of whether daily weigh-ins work better than weekly or twice-weekly weigh-ins, it's just a matter of what information you can handle and how you understand your body. So if I weigh in once a week, twice a week, or three times a day, it doesn't really matter as long as I can account for the numbers on the screen.
For instance, five minutes ago I weighed myself with sweatpants on. I was 274.4. Not bad, I figure, for 1:30 a.m. nearly fully clothed. And another thing: After I wrote the last sentence, I stripped down to my socks and weighed myself again. 273.4. So I guess I lost a pound in five minutes, or I eliminated the variable of the sweatpants.
One other weigh-in note. After getting a quick and very light breakfast at 9 a.m. Saturday morning after weighing 272, I had to cover a basketball game for work. I came back around 2 p.m. and decided to weigh myself just for fun. I was 271.6.
Actually, I've probably weighed myself 10 times in the last two days, varying from 276 to 271.6.
I guess my point in this inane rambling is that the frequency of weighing in only matters if you aren't mentally ready for the numbers you might see. You can't freak out if you gain a pound or two, just like you can't let up if you lose a pound or two. Instead, you have to understand what is happening to your body, and realize that the numbers on the scale are just a measurement of your actions.
So my whole bullshit of "official" and "unofficial" weigh-ins was just a copout in order to ease the pain of a few bad days.
I'll continue to weigh-in as I see fit, most likely the twice a week schedule I've become comfortable with. But I understand now that my actions are what count the most, not what the numbers on the scale tell me.