OLD 210 West Magazine

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 54

Contrasting Views

What up people? How ya'll doin? Back from a long weekend (at least in terms of the blog). I had a decent weekend, if unspectacular. One screw up of note. Went to see Jim Norton (he's a comedian) in San Francisco on Sunday, and skipped a meal before that. Ended up getting a burger because I am too dumb to get a chicken sandwich. Other than that (and no, I am not brushing that burger to the side), it was a good eating weekend.

We'll start with an abbreviated food journal. I don't know if I should say abbreviated, though, since I haven't done an elongated food journal in quite some time. I'll have to bring those back in the near future. After that, we'll answer some comments. Anyway:

WHAT I ATE TODAY
Bowl of Corn Flakes with skim milk, two Weight Watchers meals, Turkey Sandwich with wheat bread and mustard, bowl of corn flakes.

Calories: 1,680
Fat: 15 grams

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY

We are going to start with a bit of contrasting views from three of my best friends. The first one comes from Jacob, an old college roommate. (I know it seems that everyone I reference is an old college roommate. I had seven of them. But technically, Jacob and I only lived together for about two months over the course of a summer when he was squatting on our couch.) The second and third are from Guy and Kevin, friends from back home, who share a more positive view of this experience. All of these comments were posted in reference to Day 50, which was last Thursday's extravagant work fuck up.

From: Jacob
Comments: Best I can tell you rarely exercise, plan on days of eating bad, and eat bad on unplanned days. This really isn't a diet as much as it seems to be you eating a little healthier a few days a week. Of course you are going to lose a few pounds by cutting some calories due to the fact that you burn so many calories by simply being such a large man. Also, how can you say you are going to only weigh in once a week because multiple weigh ins mess with your head? Then you weigh in just as much but call them "unofficial weigh ins". How is that any different?

From: Kevin
Comments: I'd have to agree with Guy. I don't want to say that you are taking it more serious this time, but it sounds like this is more of a life change rather than a project. I think the key is going to be keeping things new-new forms of exercise, new ways to cook food, etc...

I grouped these together because they all kind of tie in. Obviously, Guy and Kevin see this for what I hope it will eventually become. Jacob, sees this as something I am doing half-assedly. I can't totally refute his bashings either.

Certainly I could have done a lot of things better, I could have made better choices, and stayed on course a little more faithfully instead of wandering from time to time. I've been the first to admit when I've made mistakes, and I will admit now that I've made a lot more mistakes than I am comfortable with.

But, of course, I disagree with the statement that this is just me "eating a little healthier a few days a week.." I think I deserve a little more credit than that. What is a "diet" if not eating healthier a few days a week? Not to mention the fact that last week was the only one where I had more than one off day. Hey, I'll say it, I fucked up last week. Multiple times. And I am pretty mad at myself for it. But does that mean that this hasn't been a success? Does that mean I didn't lose 25 pounds in less than two months (a 12-pound per month average isn't anything to scoff at, even if you do start at 300 pounds).

I wince at my failures, but I stand up for my accomplishments. I hang my head in sorrow when I knowingly make a bad decision, but I shout as loud as I can when another pound comes off. I am fueled not by failure, but by past, present and future success. And no, this isn't a "diet." I'll admit that. Because I don't want to do this for four months, lose my 60 pounds and then start to gain it back. No, Guy and Kevin have it right, at least as far as my goals go. I want this to be something I can continue long after this blog has been forgotten by all of you.

The key to this is changing my habits. Fat people don't necessarily have lower than normal will power. Nor do they necessarily have self-destructive personalities. Many times, fat people become that way simply because they make poor choices. And once they make those choices repeatedly, they become habit. Therefore, it is easier to stop by McDonalds on the way home from work instead of cooking up some stir-fry. It's easier to fall out of the habit of going to the gym three or four times per week. (which is why I have been less than perfect in my attendance, and why I am so hard on myself when I don't go...By the way, I went today and ellipticised.) So what I am trying to do is replace those old bad habits with new productive habits.

But habits can't be followed every day. And when I am down to 240, and still eating roughly 2,000 calories per day, I will gladly take time out once a week or so to enjoy the unhealthy foods the way I like to enjoy them. I don't want to eliminate that from my life totally, and I don't want to be miserable with a garden salad at a restaurant while others around me enjoy spaghetti. There will be times when I just won't care about caloric intake or weight loss. I think that will be ok then, and I think that it is ok now. But I can't and won't let those times become habit, like they were in the past.

As for the weigh-in issue, I should explain my method. I don't weigh-in just as much as before. Back in the beginning, I was weighing myself at least once a day, with no regard to the previous day's events. The mere fluctuations of the numbers (i.e. I weighed 289 two days ago, 288 yesterday, so why do I weigh 291 today?), without being able to discern any real patterns, was throwing off my motivation and making me question my methods. Now, I schedule weigh-ins for Sunday morning, and that's the weight I reference throughout the week. However, during the week, either on Wednesday or Thursday, I weigh myself again just to gage how the week is going to that point, and see what I have to do to reach my goal on Sunday.

Last week, I called an audible because of the Thursday screw up. I reserve the right to do that. This is, after all, my plan, my blog, my mind, my body, and I make all the rules here.

The fact is, this weigh-in schedule works best for me and helps me achieve my goal, where the last one didn't. It might not be the same for everyone else, but it is what works for me.

From: Alexa Cooper
Comments: It is awesome to see how far you have come and how long you have stuck to it. Kudos to you. Also, thanks for talking about how your off-days are important to you. That was really good. I'll keep reading about your weight loss.

Alexa, I just hope you will stick with it until the end. The off days definitely are important to me, because they are a time of reflection and of salty food products. That's a solid combination. But they must be limited, and I must be disciplined in their usage. Last week, when I took Sunday and Monday off, well that was stupid. More than one per week is kind of idiotic. Ideally, I'd like to do one every two weeks. I think that works the best.

From: Alexandria Jackson
Comments: When I was at my hottest (and that was pretty hot), I was in love with someone morbidly obese - in fact, he will always be the one that got away. That's why I can tell you that it isn't that "women can't see thru the lipids" but that maybe "teen/twenties women in singles bars can't see thru the lipids." You have to meet potential partners where your personality shines through so they can fall in love with who you are rather than the "who can I hook up with tonight" bar scene of youth.

Unless of course it's just about getting laid...

Of course this isn't just about getting laid. Getting laid is just one of the many reasons I want to lose weight.

Actually, one big difference between this and the 100 Days is that the Fortress isn't about sex nearly as much. Really, when I was 370 pounds and 26 years old, I was worried that I would never see a boob (for free) again. But now, I don't really have that fear. If I can be a little candid here: I know I can get laid. I also know that I will get laid in the future. I mean, this is the 21st century. It's not hard to get some ass (unless you weigh 400 pounds).

But I will also say that there is a social element to all this. This is really about feeling comfortable with myself so I can be the best me I can be whenever The One comes around. I suppose I just got sick of all the missed opportunities in my life in that department: The crush-killing lack-of-confidence, the awkward actions in conversation while I was trying to overcompensate for my fatness. There have been plenty who have gotten away, and I am kind of sick of that happening. I am ready for a meaningful, fruitful relationship. I don't know if I could have done that at 300 pounds.

It's a confidence issue. I can't tell you how others ever saw me, but because I didn't look the way I wanted to look, I always assumed they saw me as fat and ugly. It's something I am still working through. Every bad mirror-angle sends me into a bit of a tizzy. What I am hoping, and what I am almost sure will happen, is that as I get down to my goal weight, I will start to look different, and my confidence will rise. It already has to a degree. Eventually, I might just be the cockiest sonovabitch in the history of the world. I will probably annoy my friends, and get a little too big for my britches.

But at least I'll be good looking.

And with that, I leave. There are two other comments I wanted to get to, but this is running unbearably long. So I will save those for tomorrow.

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 50

The high highs and the low lows

After last night's work rant, and what I consider to be one of the better posts of the Fortress, I was ready for anything to happen today.

Wednesday, I felt an anger and frustration that I hadn't had in a long time, all because of one particular situation. You know it was something special, because that anger followed me into Thursday morning. When your day is fueled by last night's emotions, you never really know what to expect.

So, as I said, I was ready for anything, and that led to one of the strangest days I've had on the Fortress.

I entertained both extreme ends of the weight-loss spectrum all in one day. There were very high highs, and very low lows. I think you should figure out what I mean as you read this semi-brief diary of what transpired.

11:30 a.m.: I'm up! Almost wide awake, and boiling water for my early-morning tea (or noon tea as it might technically be called)

Noon: Mmmmm, tea and tuna for breakfast. I really need to go grocery shopping.

12:30 p.m.:I am feeling depressed. I decide to go to the gym to battle this depression.

12:45 p.m.: I get an IM from a friend. I decide not to go to the gym. Perhaps later (perhaps not).

1:15 p.m.: I'm just out of the shower, squeaky clean, and water logged. I've already eaten breakfast and drank at least 16 ounces of the finest green tea I can find at Safeway. I unthinkingly decide to step on the scale for my midweek, unofficial weigh in. I expect 283 with all the variables floating around in my system, I weigh in at 275.4, a number that I simply cannot believe.

It seems that I somehow have lost two pounds since Sunday despite the following actions: A) Off days on Sunday and Monday. B) Eating plans on Tuesday and Wednesday that I wasn't totally thrilled by, though the caloric intake was well below 2,000 each day. Basically on those two days, I ate two tuna sandwiches and two Weight Watchers meals, and that's really it. By my estimation, it came to about 1,500 calories per day. C) Only one abbreviated workout this week, coming on Tuesday when I ellipticised for only 20 minutes because I was running late for work.

So even with all those not-very-conducive-to-weight-loss happenings, I was unexpectedly back around 275 which, as you may have heard, is what I weighed at the lowest point of the 100 Days, and my weight when I moved to California a year and a half ago. Was I happy about this? Yes I was. Unexpected weight loss is always exciting.

But then I went to work

1:30 p.m.: I arrive at work to find our conference table littered with cupcakes, chocolate, bread, deviled eggs and bagels. Ahh, it's that one pregnant girl's maternity leave party! Fuck these people! I am a little sick of all this unwanted temptation. I devise a plan to eat healthy, despite the fact that all this stuff is sitting approximately 10 feet from my desk and in my direct line of vision.

1:35 p.m.: The binge is on. I have no willpower.

4 p.m.: I'm dizzy, still a little depressed, and more than a little full.

4:15 p.m.:If you poke me with a pin, chocolate might come out, although I am pretty sure it would be held in by the bagels and cream cheese. I decide to go home and take a nap during my lunch.

11:30 p.m.: Well, this day is fucked. Why not go to Jack in the Box, my favorite fast food restaurant in Vallejo?

12:15 p.m.:It seems Jack in the Box makes me want to throw up.

12:20 p.m.: Yep, I threw up.

2:06 a.m.: Here I am, writing about throwing up.

So how the hell do you categorize this day? Obviously, I fell prey to the work-party, which always seems to get me. But I also met a pretty big goal. Good day? Bad day?

In case you are wondering, I have already gone into disaster control mode to soften the effects of the fuck up. My official weight is now 275.4, and I will not be taking Sunday off, as I was thinking of doing. I will, however, have my next official weigh-in next Thursday, at which point I will hope to be around 273. I think that's the best plan.

Also, big trips to the gym are in the works for Friday and Saturday, not to mention Monday and either Tuesday or Wednesday. I must, must, MUST get to the gym more often. Remember, every time I set foot in that place, I am one small step closer to reaching my goal, which now seems very much in sight (only 35.4 pounds to go!).

So that's really about it. I don't feel all that bad about the fuck up today, which has me a bit worried. Perhaps the rapid weight loss of late has me thinking this is on cruise control. That's a dangerous attitude to take. Desperation makes me work best. But, again, there are always obstacles to fight through, and the "cruise control" attitude is one I've seen coming since Day 1. I am pretty sure I can handle it.

I am happy to say that as of this writing, my work depression has left. So be thankful you won't be getting any complaints about my day-to-day life anytime in the near future.

That's it for this week. Back on Monday to tell you how the weekend went.

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 49

A Professional Problem

I am a baby.

A big fat fucking baby. I complain, I whine, I am generally a bitch to be around.

Of course, this is only at work. Outside of work, I am amiable, and likeable and, by most accounts, a good -- if excessively loud -- guy.

But work makes me crazy sometimes, and it is in those times that my temper flares to childish heights. I am well aware of it, and I can always feel a tantrum coming on, and I always feel bad when it's done. But normally, I feel like it was somewhat warranted.

I am an even-keeled guy, for the most part. Sure, maybe a bit too emotional at times, maybe a bit too stoic at times. I try too hard to make people laugh, and sometimes, especially in writing, I tug at the heart strings a little too much. But in all the most important categories (not wanting to kill people, not being a pedophile, having a decent sized vocabulary and general knowledge of the U.S. electoral system and a past history of U.S. presidents), I am at least around, if not above, the average.

Faults? I got 'em. But everyone does. Dreams? Well, they are being trampled by the newspaper business, and I certainly feel that my current employment situation isn't helping that cause much.

I apologize for this opening rant. Tonight, my thoughts are on my job. To explain any further would be unfair to my employers and my coworkers. I don't like to bitch in public too much. But just be aware that there are people I work with who think I am a stark-raving lunatic, and I can fully understand why.

It's a curse and a blessing at the same time. I am passionate about my work, and I am passionate about the product I help build every day. I am proud of that passion. Trouble is, I don't always express that passion in the best possible way. I think I know more than I do, and I am wrong a lot more than I think I am. But I also think that's what makes me decent at my job. Look, I think I am an effective writer (but of course, you have to judge that for yourself), and I think a big part of that is passion. I see people in my business who have no passion, and it shows.

I never want to be someone who doesn't care. I never want to be the guy sitting quietly at his desk. But the further and further I get into the real world, the more I realize how quixotic it is to strive to be the passionate guy.

We're sinking to the middle, people. Well, at least I am. Of course, I make more money now than I ever have (though that's not saying much), and I am as happy as I have been in my post-college life. But I have this passion that can't be quenched, and on some days, like tonight, it turns me into a miserable bastard.

I'm not a know-it-all. I don't think I can do my job better than anyone else. I just care. I just want to make sure we're using the correct tense, or the right photo. Of course, I can easily be accused of laziness, too. Damn, I am a fucking paradox.

So how do we spin this into losing weight? How does my current frustration with my job translate into this whole endeavor with my body?

That's a tough one, and I really have no clue where I'll go from here with this entry. Let me take a minute to clear my mind, and then I will just write whatever pops up. I am sure it will relate somehow. Ok, ready?....

Deep breathing....

Deep breathing....

Deep breathing....

I came to this country in 1914 on the boat from Italy, the home land. My father struggled to find work early on, but eventually he found a job in the factories of Philadelphia and managed to support me, my two sisters and my mother on only $14 per.....

...Wait, that's someone else's life. Sorry about that. Let me refocus.

Deep breathing....

Deep breathing....

Ok, here's the thing. Life is good. Honestly, it is probably as good as it has been since I got to California. So how can I really complain? I can't. And any complaining I do is just a lazy outlet for whatever problems I have to handle.

So what if I had a bad day at work? So what if my job is changing before my eyes? My whole life (Hell, everybody's whole life) has been a series of obstacles. I was teased for being fat my entire life. I got over it eventually. I made the best of it by adopting the identity of the big fat kid.

Eventually, I got sick of being fat, and that led me here today. So this will eventually work its way out. I've dreamt of being an attractive man. And goddammit, I am not far off from being a pretty attractive man (Oddly, the only part of my psyche that wasn't wrecked by being the "fat kid" was my ego). I have more than one dream in my life. And while I am striving for one, I certainly should not ignore the other.

I've learned from this weight-loss experience, though it may be still in its general infancy. There really is only one course of action in problem solving, and that is to meet the problem head on and do something about it.

I've spent too much of my life complaining. I always complained about being fat, about getting turned down by the hot chick because she couldn't see through the lipid layers around my face and body, and into my soul to see what a beautiful person I really am. But you know what? As much as I complained, the hot chick never came around (actually, I should recant that. I did have a pretty hot girlfriend back in college, but I met her when I was a relatively slim 265. But for the record, she loved me for me).

I spent night after night in college bars, waiting for some ideal girl to come up to me and offer to touch my private parts because I was a swell guy. But those girls? They just laughed at my jokes, told me how sweet I was and touched the private parts of my better-looking roommate, Bryce Thornton.

I never really did anything about it, outside of the occasional failed weight-loss plan, until I got to be nearly morbidly obese. So I slimmed down, and yes, started to attract some women into my life. And that was definitely nice. But it still wasn't enough for me. As I've said, my goal wasn't to be less fat, it was to be not fat at all.

So that's why I am here. Right now, I am less fat. At the end, hopefully, my fatness will be a thing of the past.

Can we relate that to my current job situation? Sure. The moral of this story is simple: Things won't get better unless you force them to get better. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is from a Blues Traveler song called "Stand." It goes like this:

"If you accept what you have lost and you stand tall/you might just get it back and you can get it all."

Yeah, it's a little bit corny, but I heard it when I was 16, and I happened to be in the market for corny lyrics back then. But it is clear and concise and more than a little bit true. It's the accepting what you have lost part that always gets me. It's the first step to any rebuilding. I had to accept the fact that chicks just didn't dig fat guys. And I have to accept the fact now that my job must be done with due diligence, without my constant, passionate outrages. And that, if I want to achieve the goals I have long held for myself, I just have to excel mightily at the things I don't want to do now as well as the things I love doing.

That way, I'll get past all this, and force the change to happen.

So, did that make sense?

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 47

A New Low

THE COUNTER
Starting weight: 299 pounds
Previous weigh-in (Feb. 3): 281.2 pounds
Last weigh-in (Sunday): 277.4
Pounds lost last week: 3.8
Total pounds lost: 21.6
Pounds until 240: 37.4

We will begin today with the numbers in all their glory. Why? Because last week was a big one, people.

Check out the table above and behold the near 4-pound weight loss in one week's time. Take note that my current weight is nearly a full three pounds under 280, and believe me when I tell you that I am only 2.4 pounds away from 275, the lowest weight of the 100 Days diet.

In short, I am pretty much back to my fighting weight.

It feels like a big victory, mainly because it is. A huge one, actually. After weeks of trudging through the dark forests of the 280s, I am finally in the clearing of the 270s.

Side note: Here is a little oddity about me, but maybe it is totally normal. I have instinctively associated every weight grouping with a color. I didn't choose these colors, but it is just how I see them in my mind. For example, when I think of the 279-270 range, I see it in white. If you are interested, here is the basic rundown:

I have no idea why these colors are what they are. But that's how I see it.

So anyway, back to the victory at hand. I should note that I do official weigh-ins only on Sundays, but I have also taken to doing one unofficial mid-week weigh-in on Wednesday or Thursday to gage my progress for the week and adjust my goals accordingly. Well, last Wednesday night, after drinking two cups of tea a few hours earlier, I weighed in at just over 283. I was mildly discouraged, but again, I understand variables. I knew that I was on the right track, so I didn't sweat it too much. A trip to the gym on Friday, and four straight days of eating well during work (an amazing accomplishment in itself), made me optimistic heading into Sunday. I actually weighed myself on Saturday night, just to see the range. I know from experience that I will lose anywhere from 1 to 2 pounds over the course of seven hours of sleep, so I just wanted to know what was in store for Sunday.

Anyway, that Saturday night weigh-in was 278.8, a fantastic number in itself, considering the goal of the week was to get down to 279. I expected to be 278 on the nose Sunday morning, but ended up at 277.4.

So I got a little cocky. Well, not exactly true. Sunday I found myself with a friend in San Francisco's North Beach district, home to some of the finest Italian restaurants on the West Coast (At least that's what they tell me. I can't say for sure since I have only been to West Coast Italian restaurants in North Beach, or in Oakland. There is a world famous Italian place in Vallejo, though. Perhaps you have heard of it. It's called the Olive Garden).

So I enjoyed some Fettucine Alfredo (and I will be honest, I have no clue if that's the way you spell "Fettucine"), and generally took the day off on Sunday. Monday, I decided to have a lazy day, something I haven't done in a while. So I shudder to tell you that not only did I not go to the gym, but I also had two chicken burritos for dinner. That's right, two off days in a row.

It's not that I am trying to get back over the 280 mark. Quite the opposite, actually. It's that I felt that I had to readjust myself after what might be the most successful week the Fortress has seen. The rationalization might seem a little convoluted, I know it does to me as I write this. But while Sunday was an off day that I could enjoy with someone else, I was all caught up in conversation and such and I didn't really get to apply that off day to the diet. I suppose that this would make a little more sense if I mentioned that during the off days, all I think about is the diet. For example, every bite of the Super Bowl Sandwich was taken with the thought of how bad it was for me. So ultimately, I forced some guilt on myself, even as I enjoyed my reward.

Monday was for me more than anything else. Two chicken burritos with the thought of the diet in mind. The odd thing is, after that meal, and every other off-day meal, I couldn't get over how not worth it that meal actually was. These meals tend to leave me bloated and in pain. They take me back to the days where I spent every day like that. I enjoy the taste of the food, but when all is said and done, I always realize how unnecessary the entire thing is. Sunday wasn't like that. That meal was totally worth it, partly because it was in a social setting, and the meal wasn't the focus of everything. What that bowl of pasta did was kind of compliment the overall mood. I guess that's how normal people eat, eh?

It sounds obvious to you, doesn't it? You are thinking that I should only eat poorly in social settings and discard the loner off-day meal altogether. But to me, I need that loner off-day meal more than anything. I need it because it's more than a meal. It's a reflective pit stop. It marks the end of one period and the beginning of another. I unwrapped that first chicken burrito with last week in mind. I polished off the last of that second one with this week in mind. As I swallowed the last bite, I was thinking about my goal of getting to the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday before work, and then going again on Friday and possibly on Saturday. I was thinking about getting down to 275 as soon as possible, so I can really start having fun on this diet. I thought about how within my grasp 270, the official 100-pound mark since Day 1 of the 100 days, is again. And I realized that once I hit that 270 mark, I will be halfway done with the Fortress.

I think it would be impossible for me to sit here and convince you that my methods are normal. I think it would be a total con for both reader and writer to try to tell you this is the best way to approach weight loss. I am fucking crazy (and lazy). I know that.

But I will try to convince you that, more than anything, the best way to lose weight is to find a system that works for you. If I could have just started eating healthy from Day 1, and continued throughout with no pauses for reflection, no pit stops of greased up meats, I know I would probably weigh around 260 right now. I know that every misstep prolongs this journey, and is a missed opportunity to continue straight ahead on this beneficial path.

But I've never been one to walk in straight lines. Sometimes I like to wander sideways for a little bit, just to see what's over there. That's what works for me. That's why I know Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and beyond will be excellent days. I can say that I have found my method, and it is working for me.

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 43

The saga of Guy and Martha

THE COUNTER
Starting weight: 299 pounds
Last weigh-in (Sunday): 281.2
Total pounds lost: 17.8
Pounds until 240: 41.2

WHAT I ATE TODAY
The quick rundown -- A bowl of corn chex with skim milk (the milk is still holding on....thank God), 1 footlong Subway veggie, 1 footlong Subway club, 2 fat free yogurts, 1 turkey sandwich on wheat with three pickles.

Total calories: 1,910
Total fat: 21.5 grams

My thoughts: Funny thing here: I went to Subway before work, but forgot my debit card and only had $6 in cash, so I had to order the much cheaper veggie sub instead of the usual club. Then on my lunch break, I still wanted the club, and I just said "fuck it", and went to a different Subway.

It was there that I had a nice little fight with the "manager" of the Subway, who always charges me for extra cheese, despite the fact that I don't actually order any cheese on my sandwiches. His sordid reasoning is the extra pickles and olives that I always get. This was a bad fight because A) I couldn't understand his broken English. B) He didn't seem to understand my rationale that the cost of extra pickles and olives are balanced out by the fact that I don't get the following items: Cucumbers, Jalapenos, cheese, mayonnaise, ranch, parmesan cheese, southwest sauce, sweet onion sauce, oil, vinegar, or any other complimentary item on their menu. I think it is safe to say that I will not be patronizing that Subway again.

Anyway, the two subs led to a higher than normal calorie intake, but also provided me with much-needed vegetables since I am out of salad fixings until Monday. So I am ok with all that. No exercise today, as I went the last two days, and plan on going twice before Sunday. Also, I should say that on Monday, I did not go out to eat with anyone, as was originally planned. That excursion was pushed back until Sunday, which will be the next planned off day.

So there!

ANSWERING YOUR COMMENTS
Just one today, and it comes from Bryce Thornton, another old college roommate.

From: Bryce
Comment: Please explain your thoughts on walking to work. I sent you that suggestion a while back and haven't heard anything back. Have you ever considered it? You don't live too far away and you live in frickin' California. It seems to be a perfect situation for getting some good exercise every day.

I wanted to answer this because Bryce seems pretty impatient, and because it is a good suggestion. I might not have mentioned that I live a half mile from my office. That is one of two perks of living in Vallejo, Calif. (The other being that I don't have to pay $4 bridge toll to get to work every day). However, the walk to work is kind of tough for two reasons. First, I have to admit that I kind of live in the ghetto. I mean, it's not like my neighborhood was featured in Training Day or anything, but the chances of shit going down in this neighborhood are far higher than in any others I have lived in. It's odd, really, because all of my neighbors are nice, upstanding citizens, but we get crackheads strolling down the street way too often.

In fact, I pulled up to my house today for lunch, and this gangster-looking girl was eyeing me up with a glazed glint. As I got out of my car she just say "hey boy". I suppose I could have invited her in for a drink, but instead I just said "hey", and scurried on into the house. Now, that girl doesn't live in my neighborhood, but she apparently walks through it. That's the kind of place I live in.

Though I am 6-foot-3, 281.2 pounds and a former bouncer (though not a very good one) in college, I would rather avoid problems when I get off of work at 11 p.m. every night. I am not saying shit is going to go down, but if it does, I'd rather not be walking through it.

The other problem, at least currently, is that it is winter here in the Bay Area. Many of you might think that in California the winter isn't much different than the summer. But in Northern California, that isn't exactly true. We just got done with two straight weeks of heavy rain. A month ago, a storm knocked out power for up to a week in some places (ours was out for about 13 hours). Yes, as a born and bred Midwesterner (Detroit), I know how to make it through the cold. I walked to school for years in the snow, and it never really bothered me. But I should admit that living out here for a year and a half has turned me into something of a pussy. So when it gets down to the 40s at night during the winter, I would rather stay in my car.

But maybe when it warms up a little bit, and I can find a well-lit route back home, I might try it.

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY

So I spoke with my friend Guy and his lovely fiancé Martha yesterday. (Guy, by the way, has been lobbying for more mentions in the blog, so this is his shining moment.). As soon-to-be-married couples often do, Guy and Martha are trying to lose weight in anticipation of the August wedding.

I hadn't totally kept up with their quest, but I knew they cook much more than I do, and have turned to The Biggest Loser for inspiration. All good things. Of course, they don't have a blog and are not publicizing their weight loss to the world.

It should be noted that Guy is a former addict of the Atkins diet, and tried that at least 10 times going back to our sophomore year of high school (1995) when he recruited me to try it with him and got violently angry when I showed up to school on the first day with a ham sandwich for lunch.

But Guy and Martha have foregone the Atkins fad in favor of a low-fat, low-calorie diet, somewhat similar to my method. Guy is about 5-foot-8 and probably weighed 220 pounds when he began. Martha is a very attractive girl who, if you ask me, doesn't need to lose weight (I am trying to gain points with my best friend's future wife here). Again, that's all good and I fully support their efforts.

But it turns out that Guy, according to Martha, has lost about 20 pounds since early January. Martha, meanwhile, has lost 12 pounds, and uses the Biggest Loser workouts religiously.

As an egotistical asshole who has only lost 18 pounds so far, these numbers trouble me. These people are stealing my thunder, and I don't take kindly to that. I am the one that is supposed to have the life-changing transformation. Not my two friends. These two are piggybacking on my success. Shamelessly, I might add. And they are actually beating me at my own game.

I mean, 20 fucking pounds? He's barely got 20 pounds to lose. The dynamic between me and Guy has always been this: He was the short, slightly chubby, sarcastic, sharp-witted asshole while I was the big, dumb lout who smiled innocently at big boobs and bright lights. (At least until people got to know me and realized I am only a dumb lout only 70 percent of the time.) And my whole fucking quest was to change that dynamic. I will admit that I've even had ideas of getting my weight down below Guy's just to fuck with his head.

But here he is, losing weight at the same time as me, and doing it under the very flimsy guise of a wedding that is still seven months away. Asshole.

When I asked Martha about Guy's weight loss, she said something to the effect of "He'll never cheat. He is on a mission."

Who the hell does he think he is?

Actually, Guy and Martha's weight loss make it a little easier for me. Lately, when I call Guy, our conversations turn to the blog, the method and the exercise. He's been one of the more dedicated readers of these entries, and that's pretty cool.

But there is the motivation of wanting to find your perfect girl and have her think you are perfect too. And then there is motivation of beating your best friend to a common goal. The latter is much more powerful, because it is much easier to foresee and much more real. I'll be damned if I let that little Italian beat me to my goal. When I go back to Detroit for his wedding, and I am standing at the altar in whatever color tuxedo they pick out for me (one request: Powder blue with ruffles. Make this happen, Guy), I want people to say "You know, Guy looks good, but Dan looks fantastic."

Yep, that's the kind of prick I am. I want to be the star of his wedding.

Hey, you've gotta take the motivation wherever you can find it, right?

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 41

Finding the right question to ask

WHAT I ATE TODAY
Hmm, now let�s see. There was cereal for breakfast (though I fear the milk might be going bad), a ham sandwich, followed by two weight watchers meals with a tangerine, and then a salad around 11:30, in bed around 4 a.m., so that�s not too bad. Looks like around 1,800 calories by my estimations. Fat would be around 15 grams.

EXERCISE
Went to the gym for the first time since Thursday. Got in the standard 30 minutes on the elliptical, all good stuff. Afterwards, I admonished myself for not embracing the gym more. And just repeated in my head: �Every time I walk into this place, I am one small step closer to my goal.� And it�s true. You can�t deny the effects of burning 500 calories. If I do that even three times per week, it�s a free half pound. So yeah, I realize the importance.

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So I had movie night at the old Nied compound on Monday. Went to Blockbuster and grabbed copies of �Reign Over Me�, The Don Cheadle, Adam Sandler vehicle, and �Rocket Science�, a tale of a stuttering high school kid who joins the debate team. (It looked interesting, it was fair).

�Rocket Science� was a bit more comedic, and �Reign Over Me� quite dramatic. You might not know that I tend to strike the mood of the movies I watch. And right before I sat down to write this, I finished up �Reign Over Me�. So now I am reflective, even though it wasn�t the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Sometimes, before writing, I try to come up with one question to answer. I form the question in my head, and try to answer it on paper. It�s a good trick to make sure you eventually write exactly what you want to write.

So there I was walking up the stairs to my bedroom at 2 a.m., Adam Sandler�s crazy ass character in my head, thinking out this entry. There was an idea I wanted to get across, but couldn�t figure out how to frame it in a question.

The question I kept coming up with was: �Why am I doing this diet?� But that�s not the right question, and I think it�s been answered more than enough.

But I kept coming back to that question, and had to figure a way around it. I thought about the effects of this diet and what it does to me. Why I keep doing it even when I am convinced that I am screwing up all the time.

I thought about this blog and what it gives me. What does it give me, exactly?

There is something I want to tell you, something I want you to know. But I just can�t figure out what that something is. At once I want to thank you and lash out at you, but only because I picture you lashing out at me. I want to tell you to fuck off for peeking into my life like this, so intrusive and offensive to me. So creepily voyeuristic in your preferences.

But why would I want to tell you that? I don�t actually. See, I am conflicted.

The real question is this: What do I get out of all this?

In many ways, this blog represents real freedom as a writer. Yet, I choose not to use its limitless boundaries. Trust me, this could be so much better than it has been. But you don�t know me, and I probably won�t ever see you, so urgency is not a feeling I usually have.

But again, that�s not true. I care about your opinions. I truly want to know why Purple Tigress thinks I should start eating pea pods, or what crazy exercise I should try. I want to know what the regulars think, and I want to know that new people are stopping by and taking a look around.

I hate it and love it. I get off on the attention, just knowing that somebody cares enough to take interest in what I am doing. No, it�s not my name in lights, or a Sports Illustrated cover featuring the words �By Dan Nied� underneath the lettering. But it is an extension of my feelings of wanting to be admired and taken seriously.

The real thing I get out of this, though, is checks and balances. In my own world, if I eat the wrong things, I can always live to eat another day. In blog world, where at least a few people are watching, I am shamed because of how you might see me. I don�t want to let you down.

That�s what I get out of the blog.

But what about the process? What do I get out of that? The easy answer is a better looking body and a chance to truly not be the fat kid anymore. But it�s more than that. What I get out of this is an identity. I get to say, eventually, that I am the guy who lost all that weight. I get to show people my fat pictures and have them say �Wow, you were really fat. You lost a lot of weight� and be temporarily astonished at what I used to be and how I�ve cleared that hurdle.

I am a recovering alcoholic screaming about it outside of bars every night. �TWO YEARS SOBER!� as people go walking in on a Friday. I am a born-again virgin railing against premarital sex. I am the guy who faced his demons and won (assuming I actually win), and will take any chance to tell you about it.

That�s a gift, right? That�s something to stand up and be proud of. I want to look back on all this as a happy time, when things started to come together in life. But I don�t want weight loss to be the only thing that happened. I want to look back at early 2008 and see that this is where I started to really become a man. True, I am 28-years old, and becoming a man should have happened already. But it hasn�t. I am stunted, I am resistant. I am living paycheck to paycheck, and quarter tank of gas to quarter tank of gas. I know people who live that way. I have cousins and uncles who have been doing it all of their lives. The only thing they�ve ever shown me is that it is no way to live.

This wasn�t all about just losing weight. It really is a lot more than that. The diet is a catalyst to help me become the guy I want to be: Saving up money, rationally assessing my next career move, becoming ready to establish healthy and happy relationships (or maybe just one) with women.

What I get is a clear dividing line between youth and adulthood. Since I don�t keep too many secrets here, I will say that I�ve saved about $500 since I began 41 days ago. It�s kind of a paltry life savings, but it is probably my biggest accomplishment of 2008. I expect that number to grow into four digits before long, and I expect to be pretty damn proud of that. Pathetic? Maybe, especially for a guy nearing 30 who has been out of college (with a degree) for six years. But you have to start somewhere. Just as I went from 299 to 295 in the first days of the diet, and worked my way down to 281 from there, I began with $5 in my savings account on Dec. 26, and built it up from there.

The money isn�t the biggest issue in my life right now. Like the weight, It�s just part of what I want to become. I�ve talked about this transition for so long, but never ever took any steps toward it. Eventually, I just had to decide to jump in the pool with my clothes on. What can I say? Gradual ain�t my thing. All I know is shock and awe and total overhaul.

The weight, the money, that�s all part of finally growing into a man. That�s right, 28 years of being the fat, sloppy kid. It�s all behind me now as I sprint towards life�s real challenges.

So that�s what I get out of this.

Question answered.

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 40

The Super Bowl Sandwich

Note: Again, late getting this posted because of Blogcritics. I suppose I would get pissy about it if A) I didn't turn these in at 6 a.m. Eastern time, and B) the editors on that site were getting paid for their time. But they're all volunteers with real jobs, so we'll just have to live with the occasional day-late post. I think it's fair.

The Super Bowl Sandwich was a fantastic festival of meats and cheeses, perfected by the best black olive bread the Safeway grocery store chain has to offer.

The total cost of the salami, ham, and capicola sandwich was $35 and it took me nearly 11 hours to get the whole thing down.

But get the whole thing down, I did.

This was not a normal off day, people. This was the Super Bowl. And this sandwich, as delicious as it was when baked for 10 minutes at 400 degrees, made me very relieved that the Super Bowl only comes once a year.

I enjoyed it. Don’t et me wrong. I did. But I am not overwhelmed with not only a sense of guilt, but also a sense of dread.

The official weigh-in this week was 281.2 pounds, a mere .6 pound difference from last week. I haven’t been to the gym since Thursday, and I am going out to dinner with someone on Monday. I must keep that light.

Currently, I am suffering from two things: 1. the upper/downer effect of food as a drug. 2. the shear massive weight of that monstrosity of a sandwich inside of my stomach. It dropped like brick in a lake.

But while I believe in my health, I also believe in tradition. I believe that these things I have done routinely for several years (and the tradition of the Super Bowl Sandwich goes back to at least 2003), should be preserved, even if I am the only one preserving them. I watched and ate alone. I enjoyed my Sunday. But now I am really looking forward to getting down to business. A full week of healthy eating and gym activity, a full week of work towards a goal that, right now, seems kind of far away.

That’s what I have to look forward to.

Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 37

Nothing to see here

Note: Comments are definitely turned on for the 210west blog. They have to be approved, but I will do that several times per day, and I will not edit your text in any way. So come on, let me know what's up.

WHAT I ATE TODAY
Meal 1
2 cups of corn chex
1 ½ cups skim milk
Calories: 360
fat: 1 gram

Meal 2
2 slices of wheat bread
1 can of tuna
fat free mayo
Calories: 290
Fat: 3.5 grams

Meal 3
1 Pumello (I have no clue what nutritional value this freakishly large, bastardization of a grapefruit contains, so I will estimate.)
Calories: 100
Fat: 0 grams

Meal 4
1 Big salad with: Lettuce, green peppers, onions, fat free cheese, fat free croutons, fat free cottage cheese.
Calories: 600 (guess high!)
Fat: 6 grams

Meal 5
1 Orange
1 Fat free yogurt (Blueberry)
Calories: 145
Fat: 0 grams

Meal 6
2 slices wheat bread
7 slices of lowfat salami
10 fat free croutons
Calories: 255
Fat: 2.5

Total calories: 1,750
Total fat: 13 grams

Exercise: Woke up at the crack of 11:30 a.m., had breakfast, and went directly to the gym. Hell yes. That was a stand against fatness if I have ever seen one! Got in a half hour on the ol’ elliptical machine, burned 500 calories, went to work. Exciting.

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
Actually, the real reason I brought you here today was to tell you all about my gallbladder surgery, which was going to be a great post, full of reflection, humor and life lessons. However, I seem to have waited until 2 a.m. to begin, and it turns out I am super tired.

So that got postponed. Hopefully you’ll see it on Monday.

But, with that idea off the table, I really have nothing on topic to write about. I mean, overall, things are going pretty good with the diet. I can’t really complain.

The only thing that really bothers me is how big of a struggle the middle of the week has been lately. The problem, again, is the work schedule. Thursday wasn’t bad at all, though. Lots of fruit, some vegetables even, not that much fat. Under 2,000 calories. AND I went to the gym today.

Though yesterday, I wasn’t totally happy with the eating. I did have to fight a fast-food urge around 10 p.m. I ended up doing something really weird: I went to the liquor store on my corner, and purchased canned chunks of roast beef and a can of clams. The whole thing was pretty good as far as fat and calories are concerned. But I really don’t know why I chose that meal over anything I had in the house.

For the record, it was about as delicious as it sounds.

So anyway, with nothing on my mind, let’s answer some comments.

From: maskay
Comment: Great job! I look forward to you columns. You've motivated me to join a program to lose weight at work. I hope I can be as successful as you are!

See what’s happening here? I am an icon. No, I don’t believe that, but it seems the blog is having the desired effect. What I want, honestly, is for people to look forward to reading this, and then take something away from it. So Maskay, thanks for reading, and it’s really not that hard to be successful in this. Just find a plan that works. Though, it did take me years to do just that.

From: alexandria jackson
Comments: Wow. Again you amaze me with your honesty. Listen, I'll admit I am NOT the best person to talk you into how to cope with office offerings. These are 'hiccups' you have to work through. Again I say that denying yourself in such a situation leads to bingeing and further unhealthy choices. You had one bad day in a so-so week. Big deal? Overall, you at least went to the gym 3 x right? That's great! And overall, you made better choices than before, right?

Listen, you aren't doing the bulemia thing and you aren't totally blowing it. These are great accomplishments. Perhaps your scale expectations are a bit too much for you to handle? Ease up there, buddy. You're doing a great job. You have lost 13 pounds in one month and that may seem like a little to you but I'd kill to lose that much in a month. Keep your spirits up! I was worried about you! We are out here waiting for your posts - happy or sad, good week or bad, we're out here cheering you on. (and hey, if you have to picture Alyssa Milano in a cheerleading outfit, yeah, that's what your fans all look like).

Alexandria, we’ve already discussed that I picture you more as a Salma Hayek type. But really, Alyssa Milano could work too.

Anyway, I think you and I are on the same page when it comes to this diet. The odd thing is that everything you said there, I have already thought in some way. Still, I think that in order to keep the focus on the task at hand, I have to be uniquely hard on myself during the bad days.

It is easy to let one unplanned bad day throw the whole thing out of whack. I’ve done it plenty of times, and I know a lot of other fatties have done it to. You are cruising along for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, and then you decide it is ok to give in to an urge. And so you do, and then the next day you rationalize yourself into giving in to another urge, because hell, two bad days can’t undo the amazingly healthy week you just turned in. And then all of a sudden, you are back where you started, and you are planning your next weight-loss attempt.

When I have a bad day, I know it isn’t the end of the world. I know that I won’t wake up the next day having gained all 17 pounds back. But I do understand that it is a bit of a slippery slope. Mind you, I am talking about unplanned bad days. Sunday, when I enjoy my annual Super Bowl Sandwich, I will do so with a big smile on my face, knowing both the consequences of that sandwich and what I put in to earn it.

But when I give in to urges and ruin an entire day, I always have to pause before I go to bed, and think to myself “This didn’t help me achieve my goal. I can’t let this day fuck up all the work I have put in so far. Tomorrow will be a perfect day.”

Not coincidentally, the next day usually is perfect as far as eating goes. It’s about climbing back on the wagon as quickly as possible.

From: Jojo
Comment: Dan, I am impressed with your efforts.......but please add some fat to your diet!!!! You will most definitely cave in to the chicken wings and cake when your body is in need of fat. Trust me. I did the whole low cal/low fat thing and really messed up my metabolism. It took several years (and getting over the fear of fat) to become a hot chick!! You just need some balance and will do great. You seem very dedicated to this and I wish you the best of luck!!!!

That’s an interesting theory about the fat. Certainly it makes sense. On the off days, I get plenty of fat. But on the 90 percent of days when I am eating right, I barely get any. Check today: 13 grams. That’s gotta be a new low. But I have to admit that I am wary of fat. I don’t trust it. I won’t use olive oil to cook, because it is high in fat (even if it is the good kind). As I settle into this, I may experiment a little bit. But for now, I’ll stick with the super low fat, and just fight the urges as they come.

All right, that’s it for today. Back Monday after the Super Bowl Sandwich.