Dan Nied's Fortress of Weight Loss: Day 54

What up people? How ya'll doin? Back from a long weekend (at least in terms of the blog). I had a decent weekend, if unspectacular. One screw up of note. Went to see Jim Norton (he's a comedian) in San Francisco on Sunday, and skipped a meal before that. Ended up getting a burger because I am too dumb to get a chicken sandwich. Other than that (and no, I am not brushing that burger to the side), it was a good eating weekend.

We'll start with an abbreviated food journal. I don't know if I should say abbreviated, though, since I haven't done an elongated food journal in quite some time. I'll have to bring those back in the near future. After that, we'll answer some comments. Anyway:

WHAT I ATE TODAY
Bowl of Corn Flakes with skim milk, two Weight Watchers meals, Turkey Sandwich with wheat bread and mustard, bowl of corn flakes.

Calories: 1,680
Fat: 15 grams

THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY

We are going to start with a bit of contrasting views from three of my best friends. The first one comes from Jacob, an old college roommate. (I know it seems that everyone I reference is an old college roommate. I had seven of them. But technically, Jacob and I only lived together for about two months over the course of a summer when he was squatting on our couch.) The second and third are from Guy and Kevin, friends from back home, who share a more positive view of this experience. All of these comments were posted in reference to Day 50, which was last Thursday's extravagant work fuck up.

From: Jacob
Comments: Best I can tell you rarely exercise, plan on days of eating bad, and eat bad on unplanned days. This really isn't a diet as much as it seems to be you eating a little healthier a few days a week. Of course you are going to lose a few pounds by cutting some calories due to the fact that you burn so many calories by simply being such a large man. Also, how can you say you are going to only weigh in once a week because multiple weigh ins mess with your head? Then you weigh in just as much but call them "unofficial weigh ins". How is that any different?

From: Kevin
Comments: I'd have to agree with Guy. I don't want to say that you are taking it more serious this time, but it sounds like this is more of a life change rather than a project. I think the key is going to be keeping things new-new forms of exercise, new ways to cook food, etc...

I grouped these together because they all kind of tie in. Obviously, Guy and Kevin see this for what I hope it will eventually become. Jacob, sees this as something I am doing half-assedly. I can't totally refute his bashings either.

Certainly I could have done a lot of things better, I could have made better choices, and stayed on course a little more faithfully instead of wandering from time to time. I've been the first to admit when I've made mistakes, and I will admit now that I've made a lot more mistakes than I am comfortable with.

But, of course, I disagree with the statement that this is just me "eating a little healthier a few days a week.." I think I deserve a little more credit than that. What is a "diet" if not eating healthier a few days a week? Not to mention the fact that last week was the only one where I had more than one off day. Hey, I'll say it, I fucked up last week. Multiple times. And I am pretty mad at myself for it. But does that mean that this hasn't been a success? Does that mean I didn't lose 25 pounds in less than two months (a 12-pound per month average isn't anything to scoff at, even if you do start at 300 pounds).

I wince at my failures, but I stand up for my accomplishments. I hang my head in sorrow when I knowingly make a bad decision, but I shout as loud as I can when another pound comes off. I am fueled not by failure, but by past, present and future success. And no, this isn't a "diet." I'll admit that. Because I don't want to do this for four months, lose my 60 pounds and then start to gain it back. No, Guy and Kevin have it right, at least as far as my goals go. I want this to be something I can continue long after this blog has been forgotten by all of you.

The key to this is changing my habits. Fat people don't necessarily have lower than normal will power. Nor do they necessarily have self-destructive personalities. Many times, fat people become that way simply because they make poor choices. And once they make those choices repeatedly, they become habit. Therefore, it is easier to stop by McDonalds on the way home from work instead of cooking up some stir-fry. It's easier to fall out of the habit of going to the gym three or four times per week. (which is why I have been less than perfect in my attendance, and why I am so hard on myself when I don't go...By the way, I went today and ellipticised.) So what I am trying to do is replace those old bad habits with new productive habits.

But habits can't be followed every day. And when I am down to 240, and still eating roughly 2,000 calories per day, I will gladly take time out once a week or so to enjoy the unhealthy foods the way I like to enjoy them. I don't want to eliminate that from my life totally, and I don't want to be miserable with a garden salad at a restaurant while others around me enjoy spaghetti. There will be times when I just won't care about caloric intake or weight loss. I think that will be ok then, and I think that it is ok now. But I can't and won't let those times become habit, like they were in the past.

As for the weigh-in issue, I should explain my method. I don't weigh-in just as much as before. Back in the beginning, I was weighing myself at least once a day, with no regard to the previous day's events. The mere fluctuations of the numbers (i.e. I weighed 289 two days ago, 288 yesterday, so why do I weigh 291 today?), without being able to discern any real patterns, was throwing off my motivation and making me question my methods. Now, I schedule weigh-ins for Sunday morning, and that's the weight I reference throughout the week. However, during the week, either on Wednesday or Thursday, I weigh myself again just to gage how the week is going to that point, and see what I have to do to reach my goal on Sunday.

Last week, I called an audible because of the Thursday screw up. I reserve the right to do that. This is, after all, my plan, my blog, my mind, my body, and I make all the rules here.

The fact is, this weigh-in schedule works best for me and helps me achieve my goal, where the last one didn't. It might not be the same for everyone else, but it is what works for me.

From: Alexa Cooper
Comments: It is awesome to see how far you have come and how long you have stuck to it. Kudos to you. Also, thanks for talking about how your off-days are important to you. That was really good. I'll keep reading about your weight loss.

Alexa, I just hope you will stick with it until the end. The off days definitely are important to me, because they are a time of reflection and of salty food products. That's a solid combination. But they must be limited, and I must be disciplined in their usage. Last week, when I took Sunday and Monday off, well that was stupid. More than one per week is kind of idiotic. Ideally, I'd like to do one every two weeks. I think that works the best.

From: Alexandria Jackson
Comments: When I was at my hottest (and that was pretty hot), I was in love with someone morbidly obese - in fact, he will always be the one that got away. That's why I can tell you that it isn't that "women can't see thru the lipids" but that maybe "teen/twenties women in singles bars can't see thru the lipids." You have to meet potential partners where your personality shines through so they can fall in love with who you are rather than the "who can I hook up with tonight" bar scene of youth.

Unless of course it's just about getting laid...

Of course this isn't just about getting laid. Getting laid is just one of the many reasons I want to lose weight.

Actually, one big difference between this and the 100 Days is that the Fortress isn't about sex nearly as much. Really, when I was 370 pounds and 26 years old, I was worried that I would never see a boob (for free) again. But now, I don't really have that fear. If I can be a little candid here: I know I can get laid. I also know that I will get laid in the future. I mean, this is the 21st century. It's not hard to get some ass (unless you weigh 400 pounds).

But I will also say that there is a social element to all this. This is really about feeling comfortable with myself so I can be the best me I can be whenever The One comes around. I suppose I just got sick of all the missed opportunities in my life in that department: The crush-killing lack-of-confidence, the awkward actions in conversation while I was trying to overcompensate for my fatness. There have been plenty who have gotten away, and I am kind of sick of that happening. I am ready for a meaningful, fruitful relationship. I don't know if I could have done that at 300 pounds.

It's a confidence issue. I can't tell you how others ever saw me, but because I didn't look the way I wanted to look, I always assumed they saw me as fat and ugly. It's something I am still working through. Every bad mirror-angle sends me into a bit of a tizzy. What I am hoping, and what I am almost sure will happen, is that as I get down to my goal weight, I will start to look different, and my confidence will rise. It already has to a degree. Eventually, I might just be the cockiest sonovabitch in the history of the world. I will probably annoy my friends, and get a little too big for my britches.

But at least I'll be good looking.

And with that, I leave. There are two other comments I wanted to get to, but this is running unbearably long. So I will save those for tomorrow.