Finding the right question to ask
WHAT I ATE TODAY
Hmm, now let�s see. There was cereal for breakfast (though I fear the milk might be going bad), a ham sandwich, followed by two weight watchers meals with a tangerine, and then a salad around 11:30, in bed around 4 a.m., so that�s not too bad. Looks like around 1,800 calories by my estimations. Fat would be around 15 grams.
EXERCISE
Went to the gym for the first time since Thursday. Got in the standard 30 minutes on the elliptical, all good stuff. Afterwards, I admonished myself for not embracing the gym more. And just repeated in my head: �Every time I walk into this place, I am one small step closer to my goal.� And it�s true. You can�t deny the effects of burning 500 calories. If I do that even three times per week, it�s a free half pound. So yeah, I realize the importance.
THE REAL REASON I BROUGHT YOU HERE TODAY
So I had movie night at the old Nied compound on Monday. Went to Blockbuster and grabbed copies of �Reign Over Me�, The Don Cheadle, Adam Sandler vehicle, and �Rocket Science�, a tale of a stuttering high school kid who joins the debate team. (It looked interesting, it was fair).
�Rocket Science� was a bit more comedic, and �Reign Over Me� quite dramatic. You might not know that I tend to strike the mood of the movies I watch. And right before I sat down to write this, I finished up �Reign Over Me�. So now I am reflective, even though it wasn�t the greatest movie I have ever seen.
Sometimes, before writing, I try to come up with one question to answer. I form the question in my head, and try to answer it on paper. It�s a good trick to make sure you eventually write exactly what you want to write.
So there I was walking up the stairs to my bedroom at 2 a.m., Adam Sandler�s crazy ass character in my head, thinking out this entry. There was an idea I wanted to get across, but couldn�t figure out how to frame it in a question.
The question I kept coming up with was: �Why am I doing this diet?� But that�s not the right question, and I think it�s been answered more than enough.
But I kept coming back to that question, and had to figure a way around it. I thought about the effects of this diet and what it does to me. Why I keep doing it even when I am convinced that I am screwing up all the time.
I thought about this blog and what it gives me. What does it give me, exactly?
There is something I want to tell you, something I want you to know. But I just can�t figure out what that something is. At once I want to thank you and lash out at you, but only because I picture you lashing out at me. I want to tell you to fuck off for peeking into my life like this, so intrusive and offensive to me. So creepily voyeuristic in your preferences.
But why would I want to tell you that? I don�t actually. See, I am conflicted.
The real question is this: What do I get out of all this?
In many ways, this blog represents real freedom as a writer. Yet, I choose not to use its limitless boundaries. Trust me, this could be so much better than it has been. But you don�t know me, and I probably won�t ever see you, so urgency is not a feeling I usually have.
But again, that�s not true. I care about your opinions. I truly want to know why Purple Tigress thinks I should start eating pea pods, or what crazy exercise I should try. I want to know what the regulars think, and I want to know that new people are stopping by and taking a look around.
I hate it and love it. I get off on the attention, just knowing that somebody cares enough to take interest in what I am doing. No, it�s not my name in lights, or a Sports Illustrated cover featuring the words �By Dan Nied� underneath the lettering. But it is an extension of my feelings of wanting to be admired and taken seriously.
The real thing I get out of this, though, is checks and balances. In my own world, if I eat the wrong things, I can always live to eat another day. In blog world, where at least a few people are watching, I am shamed because of how you might see me. I don�t want to let you down.
That�s what I get out of the blog.
But what about the process? What do I get out of that? The easy answer is a better looking body and a chance to truly not be the fat kid anymore. But it�s more than that. What I get out of this is an identity. I get to say, eventually, that I am the guy who lost all that weight. I get to show people my fat pictures and have them say �Wow, you were really fat. You lost a lot of weight� and be temporarily astonished at what I used to be and how I�ve cleared that hurdle.
I am a recovering alcoholic screaming about it outside of bars every night. �TWO YEARS SOBER!� as people go walking in on a Friday. I am a born-again virgin railing against premarital sex. I am the guy who faced his demons and won (assuming I actually win), and will take any chance to tell you about it.
That�s a gift, right? That�s something to stand up and be proud of. I want to look back on all this as a happy time, when things started to come together in life. But I don�t want weight loss to be the only thing that happened. I want to look back at early 2008 and see that this is where I started to really become a man. True, I am 28-years old, and becoming a man should have happened already. But it hasn�t. I am stunted, I am resistant. I am living paycheck to paycheck, and quarter tank of gas to quarter tank of gas. I know people who live that way. I have cousins and uncles who have been doing it all of their lives. The only thing they�ve ever shown me is that it is no way to live.
This wasn�t all about just losing weight. It really is a lot more than that. The diet is a catalyst to help me become the guy I want to be: Saving up money, rationally assessing my next career move, becoming ready to establish healthy and happy relationships (or maybe just one) with women.
What I get is a clear dividing line between youth and adulthood. Since I don�t keep too many secrets here, I will say that I�ve saved about $500 since I began 41 days ago. It�s kind of a paltry life savings, but it is probably my biggest accomplishment of 2008. I expect that number to grow into four digits before long, and I expect to be pretty damn proud of that. Pathetic? Maybe, especially for a guy nearing 30 who has been out of college (with a degree) for six years. But you have to start somewhere. Just as I went from 299 to 295 in the first days of the diet, and worked my way down to 281 from there, I began with $5 in my savings account on Dec. 26, and built it up from there.
The money isn�t the biggest issue in my life right now. Like the weight, It�s just part of what I want to become. I�ve talked about this transition for so long, but never ever took any steps toward it. Eventually, I just had to decide to jump in the pool with my clothes on. What can I say? Gradual ain�t my thing. All I know is shock and awe and total overhaul.
The weight, the money, that�s all part of finally growing into a man. That�s right, 28 years of being the fat, sloppy kid. It�s all behind me now as I sprint towards life�s real challenges.
So that�s what I get out of this.
Question answered.
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