How did this happen?

"Since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before: birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf...
stoplights."
--Frank Drebin, "The Naked Gun"

By Vince Guerrieri
210 west Managing Editor [send email]

Dear God, it's finally happened.

I'm engaged. How the hell did it happen? I'm one of the most unromantic people I know!

I come from a long line of unromantic men. My father's proposal to my mother involved throwing a jewelry box in her lap and said, "Here, hold this." (She's still pissed.) His father gave my grandmother a lawn mower for their anniversary (functional, but not what she had in mind).

Valentine's Day never held a lot of appeal to me. After getting past that phase where you get a Valentine from everyone in your class (I believe the last time that happened to me was sixth grade), I spent most Feb. 14s (the birthdays of Jimmy Hoffa and Mel Allen...how 'bout that?) unattached. Once I went to college, I spent most of them unattached and loaded, usually listening to songs that let out my inner misogynist..."Love Stinks," "Evil Woman" or anything off of "Tunnel of Love."

I was sober last year for Valentine's Day...and attached. Same with this year...albeit attached to a woman who's 200 miles away. I don't enjoy the same songs I did. For the love of God, I start grinning like an idiot when "Maybe I'm Amazed" comes on. IT'S WINGS! DO YOU HEAR ME, PEOPLE?!? WINGS MAKES ME SMILE!! THIS ISN'T RIGHT!

What is going on?

Little things have been happening. I've actually had to buy a woman flowers. I mean for her. Before I met my girlfriend, I had to buy flowers exactly once in my life.

My friend Mike had just started going out with Kristy, who was going to school with me in Bowling Green. Mike was still in Youngstown. He was thinking of buying Kristy flowers, and letting his inner romantic out.

But he called FTD, and when they told him that it would cost only slightly less than the car he'd just bought, the Legendary 6000, he said, in less diplomatic terms, that he wasn't interested. Instead, he called me and said to buy flowers. Of course, he was good for it. He dictated a card, and it went off hitch free.

Kristy was cooing about how romantic her boyfriend (now husband) was. "I know," I told her. "I wrote the card." I've never seen someone go completely white in that short of a time. Until last year, I never had to buy flowers for anyone else. Then I met a girl.

Don't get me wrong. I've met a lot of girls. It never worked. I've heard them all: I can't date you, I'm misanthropic. Boys are icky. Kissing you feels like incest.

The only reason I kept dating was just to see what happened next. Then I met Shannon.

She's ridiculous. She watches football. I saw her suck down a pint of beer in 30 seconds. She watches Family Guy.

"Dude, you sure she's not a dude," a friend asked. In the first couple of months, people asked me about her, curious about the type of woman who'd go out with me more than twice (the list is short). "Does she get you," one friend asked.

Strangely, she does.

Maybe there really is someone out there for everyone. I bought a ring. I walked into my cousin's jewelry store, just shy of spontaneous human combustion, and said, "Help me!" It worked. Her friends are impressed, and I didn't have to return it. Now that I'm engaged, three people have already expressed an interest in planning my bachelor party. They've suggested Vegas or Atlantic City. I'm actually kind of geeked about that.

But then I realize that the next step is marriage. I'm going to get married. All that's missing is a Browns Super Bowl victory. Then come the Four Horsemen.