You don't mess with CHiPs

By Dan Nied [send email]

I was intrigued by Starsky and Hutch, and Garfield had Jennifer Love Hewitt, so it couldn’t have been all bad.

When Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman teamed up for Bewitched, I was interested, if not a little put off that Ferrell’s name wasn’t Dick.

I even liked Keenan Thompson as Fat Albert.

I just shook my head at Scooby Doo.

Then Hollywood gave us a black version of the Honeymooners starring Cedric the Entertainer as Ralph Kramden. While that was akin to casting Jason Biggs to play J.J. from Good Times, all I did was cock my brow.

But then the Dukes of Hazzard was released with Johnny Knoxville and Stifler in the lead roles. Jessica Simpson was Daisy Duke and, yeah that loosened me up for a minute, but still, I couldn’t help thinking I would rather watch Coy and Vance than these flaming retards. But I bit my lip until I nearly bled.

See, I was initially excited about this phenomenon where movie studios turn old TV shows into movies. After all, it was a can’t-miss premise. The shows were good, so the movie HAS to be good, right?

No. They ruined them all. Hollywood has collectively shit upon some of popular culture’s greatest gems. They took the great, and turned it insipid.

The worst part of it? They aren’t done yet. Now, Hollywood is going after the queen bee, the sire of television from 1977-1983.

CHiPs, coming to a theater near you.

Don’t vomit quite yet until you read this next sentence:

Fez is Ponch.

There is only one thing left to say to Hollywood:

Screw you.

You got to hell. You go to hell and you die.

Seriously! FUCK YOU!

Where the hell do you get off making CHiPs into a movie? There is only one possible way this could happen that would be even remotely acceptable. First, get Wilmer Valderrama out along with whatever American Pie retread you’ve cast as John. Then, insert Erik Estrada and John Wilcox into the roles that only they can play.

Then call it CHiPs 2000. It might still suck, it might still be embarrassing, but at least the audience won’t feel half-retarded when they see it.

Please stop, Hollywood. I beg of you. If you need original material then I’d be happy to write a screenplay or two to help out. It might not be that good, but at least it won’t desecrate the upbringing of an entire generation of Americans. It won’t be recycled crap with not even a passing interest in creativity. You want a buddy cop comedy? I’ll give it to you. I’m sure thousands of other writers can do the same, even better. But please, look in the mirror and try to convince yourself, Hollywood, that this gimmick is working. It can’t be done, because deep down you know that unoriginal bullshit is an insult to every intelligent consumer of popular culture.

Is it possible that the future of cinema will bring us these gems?

*Diff’rent Strokes, the movie. Starring Eugene Levy as Mr. Drummond, Nick Cannon as Willis, Lindsey Lohan as Kimberly and Gary Coleman as Arnold (maybe you can try this, ONLY if Gary Coleman can play Arnold again.)

*Mr. Belvedere, the movie. Starring John Goodman as Mr. Belvadere and Haley Joel Osment as Wesley.

*Blossom, the movie: Starring Nicole Richie as Blossom and Jessica Simpson as Six. Joey will again be played by Joey Lawrence.

*Who’s the Boss, the movie. Starring Ashton Kutcher as Tony, Tara Reid as Angela, Paris Hilton as Samantha, Aaron Carter as Jonathon and Rue McClanahan as Mona.

*The A Team, the movie. Starring Fred Willard as Hannibal, Ashton Kutcher as Face, Steve-O as Murdock and Vin Diesel as B.A.

*Growing Pains, the movie. Starring Freddie Prinze Jr. as Mike Seaver, Hilary Duff as Carol Seaver, Topher Grace as Ben Seaver, Stifler’s Mom as Maggie Seaver and Eugene Levy as Jason Seaver, with Bam Margera as Boner.

This is what we’re heading for. If movie studios don’t start respecting audiences, we’ll see Britney Spears playing Kelly Kapowski opposite Snoop Dogg’s Zack Morris.

Are we ready for that?

It doesn’t matter. It will be shoved down our throats soon enough.