Vince Guerrieri admits to a shocking steroid revelation, among other thoughts.
By Vince Guerrieri
210 west Managing Editor [send email]
I'm used to a certain amount of insanity, hell, I embrace it, but things have gone too far.
Of course, the big sports news is that just like Jason in the
interminable Friday the 13th series, the hockey season has come back from the dead...And then it promptly died again.
Players and owners were working on an 11th hour deal to bring the season back.
I'm through with hockey. I can't deal with any sport that can't even cancel a goddamn season right!
Jose Canseco said just about everyone has done steroids, so I'm going
to make a confession. I did take steroids while I was playing little
league baseball, but they were for intestinal problems and were in no way performance-enhancing. If they were, I should get my money back...ask anyone who's seen me play.
So, to recap, Jose Canseco confessed to giving various players
steroids, but said he and Madonna never knocked boots, because she's not his type. I dunno, a greedy attention whore? Maybe he just didn't want to follow in Vanilla Ice's footsteps.
Canseco slammed everyone but me in this book...he said that Dubya knew about steroid use but did nothing, which isn't true. I believe he listed it as one of the reasons to invade Iraq.
While we're talking about world events, Secretary of State Condi Rice shared a dais with new Browns coach Romeo Crennel. She said Romeo will "lead the Browns back." Well, she was right about the WMDs...
Reason No. 481 why Art Modell shouldn't get into the Hall of Fame:Not
only did he fire Paul Brown, he also fired Bill Belichick. The last five years have been rough for Browns fans. Twice teams that used
to be in Cleveland won Super Bowls (Ravens and Rams), but Belichick's
won more Super Bowls than the Browns have played in. However, we can take some perverse comfort in the fact that he's won more Super Bowls that Bill Cowher.
The hell with this...I'm going to watch the Daytona 500.
Eric Cassano sees the future is so bright, Bill Belichick has to wear shades to protect him from the reflection of his Nobel Prize.
By Erik Cassano
210 west Writer [send email]
OK, now it's official. Bill Belichick, with three Super Bowl titles as a head coach and two more as a defensive coordinator, now sitteth at the right hand of Vince Lombardi. He is the greatest living coach. Bill Walsh, Chuck Noll, Bill Parcells, Jimmy Johnson, their accomplishments faded with time. But not St. Belichick. His accomplishments will live for centuries -- nay -- millennia after his passing.
This could only be the beginning for St. William of the Headbands. His mighty powers could make him one of the greatest human beings that ever lived. Consider the possibilities...
2010: after winning his seventh straight Super Bowl and eight in nine years, Belichick resigns as the head coach of the Patriots. Hearing the wails of torment coming from Chicago, he switches sports and becomes the manager and general manager of the Cubs. Within one year, Belichick remakes the team with cast-offs and Cuban refugees, and delivers the Cubs their first championship in 103 years. The statue of Harry Caray in front of Wrigley Field is demolished and replaced with a statue of Belichick. Visitors can take an elevator to an observation deck in the statue's head, where it is rumored the secret of life is held.
2018: France and Iran declare war on the United States. With French battleships steaming toward New York, the Pentagon asks Belichick to employ his remarkable strategic mind and formulate a defense plan. Within 48 hours, 10 French ships are sunk and the war is ended. Belichick's birthday, April 16, is declared a national holiday.
Belichick spends the ensuing years as a military strategist-for-hire. His airtight defensive plans thwart conflicts in Africa, the Middle East, and Northern Ireland. Soon, fearing the wrath of Bill, nations stop warring, and world peace is accomplished. Belichick wins the Nobel Peace Prize four years in a row. After his fourth award, he calls it the "second-greatest four-peat of my life, after Tom Brady scorching Atlanta for 343 yards and five touchdowns in Super Bowl XLI."
2023: In an independent poll of scholars, Belichick trumps Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud and Thomas Edison as the greatest genius of the past 200 years. Belichick is given a lifetime achievement award by a group of world-renowed scientists and philosophers in Geneva, Switzerland, but does not attend the ceremony. He is busy breaking down game film for the Patriots, whom he has returned to as a consultant. In January 2024, New England wins their 15th Super Bowl in 23 years.
2025: Bowing to intense worldwide pressure, the city of Cleveland finally recognizes Belichick's birthday as a holiday. Mayor For Life LeBron James invites Belichick to a state dinner, but due to suffocating debt, the only thing the city coffers can front is a chicken fajita platter at Applebee's. Belichick declines.
2027: Belichick turns 75. Realizing he's not going to live forever, a group of government scientists and computer programmers write a computer program based on Belichick's mind. For decades after Bill dies, scientists, humanitarians, military strategists, and football coaches alike consult the "Belichick v. 2.0" program to solve their problems. With the help of the program, cancer and AIDS are cured, world peace is maintained, and winning percentages skyrocket on all levels of football.
2102: on the 100th anniversary of Belichick's first Super Bowl win as a head coach, an image of him appears in the swirls of an oil puddle floating on the Charles River in Boston. Attendants use defibrilator paddles to shock Pope John Paul II, now 298 years old, back to consciouness long enough to ascend Belichick to sainthood. A new Christian sect based on the teachings of Belichick is formed. Within 200 years, Belichickianism rises to the largest Christian denomination in the Western world.
3247: Human beings make contact with alien life for the first time. When the aliens step off their spaceship, their leader holds out an oblong object to the world leaders assmbled for the historic moment. It is a New England Patriots football. As the stunned Earthlings look at the prized possession of the newcomers, the alien leader utters the only two words he knows in English: "Belichick ... autograph."
This column was first published at Papa Cass's website, papacass.blogspot.com