Looking for the right job is so much like looking for the right match romantically. There are lots of options out there, but what you want is one that really suits you. One were you can fit in and be appreciated.
By Natalie Miller
210 west Content Editor [send email]
But to get there, you have to get past a lot of obstacles. There are many failed tries at compatibility. There are hurt feelings and rejection when it doesn’t work. There’s also the challenge of trying to get the job (or date) and the glorious feeling of being chosen. Then, the return to reality as you realize that this is going to take some effort to make it work.
I just went through a job match process, and I see numerous parallels. I had a job doing something I liked, except that I was “seasonal,” which translates to no benefits and a long unpaid winter vacation. Now, I knew this when I took the job, but I was so desperate to get out of my old situation that I didn’t care. Like ending a bad relationship and jumping into the next without quite examining it all the way. Still, it wasn’t a bad fit. For months, I enjoyed doing something I’m good at. I had no plans to leave, because we were still in the “getting to know you” phase. I was too busy to consider the long term prospects.
But then other attractive opportunities started to parade across my view. Even though I was happy, I wanted to check out the other options. I started to think about the long-term possibilities and how my job would probably never offer me a real commitment of full-time work (read: a job marriage.)
I got a call to interview with another company… ah, the first date. What to wear? What to bring? And it was a long process – not only the boss, but his boss, and two other sets of people I might be working with. Call this meeting the friends and parents of a dating relationship. Could they work with me? What was the consensus on my skills, my composure and my past? Was I the right fit?
I thought the interview process went well. When I went back to work after it, I did not say where I had been. It felt as illicit as an affair – how would I tell them when the time came? Did they suspect?
I began to plan my breakup speech in my head…”Well, I’m really looking for more respect and more of a commitment, and you don’t seem willing to give that to me…” “I’ve really enjoyed learning from each other but it’s time to part ways…”
I compare my “seasonal” status to dating with no hope of engagement. It’s very easy to think it’ll change if you just are good enough and wait long enough. Any good relationship expert or girlfriend would tell you that people are unlikely to change just because you want them to, and you can’t waste too much time being naïve. Sometimes you just have to move on.
I didn’t get the first potential job, but I did get one of the nicest letdown speeches ever. It wasn’t “it’s not you, it’s me” – more like “you’re great but we want someone older and more experienced.” I would compare it to – “sorry, you’re just too young” or “I’m looking for someone more mature.”
It took me a while to get over it, like a guy you’ve gone on a few dates with but have already planned the wedding in your head. It’s a stomach-churning experience, but it did serve to open my eyes to what else was out there.
Once, I ran into a man who thought he’d be perfect for a position at my company – my position. So, I didn’t say anything, but I felt very sorry for him to get his hopes up when someone internally already had the position. And then it struck me – that probably happens a lot. It’s a tough thing to swallow because it’s policy but terribly unfair to the person hoping. Like a married man who doesn’t wear his wedding ring or who doesn’t mention his wife until the end of the night. But you could also use the taken status as a convenient justification for rejection: Maybe it’s not that they didn’t want me, but that they already had someone else.
I tried for another job and was told I came in second. Just like on “The Bachelor.” There was only one rose and it wasn’t for me. As with relationships, only the winner gets the prize.
It got to the point where colleagues were calling me to see if I was interested in job postings they had seen – trying to set me up. They were sick of my complaining and advice seeking about what to do about my current flame. And I tried for all kinds of random jobs that were really a stretch out of my interests or skills – national advertising campaigns, business school promotion and PR for a dog food company – I was getting desperate.
So, how does this love story end? The seasonal relationship ended because I found someone else, and they were sore about having their flaws pointed out. It was a bad scene, where one party has no idea how they couldn’t have known and the other wonders how much they could have cared if they didn’t know. Typical communication breakdown – “You never listen!” and “You expect too much!”
It even had the terrible breakup stage where you give their stuff back and they give you the stuff you left there. We tried to make it work, but they were oblivious to my feelings and I got too resentful and let my pride get the better of me.
I did find someone who treats me with more respect; I’ve returned to an old flame who pursued me to come back. And that’s got its pluses and minuses, of course, but at least I know what I’m getting into. There’s more space to be myself, and as long as I can put up with their oddities, they’ll put up with mine.
Just like my past romantic relationships, I learned a valuable lesson from the whole experience. You can never accept less than you deserve because it will never make you happy. No matter what the allure, it’s better to wait for the real thing and not be seduced by status or illusion.
Will I ever find “The One?” I wonder if that phrase for relationships will drift into antiquity, as hardly anyone has one job over their lifetime, and marriage seems to be headed in that direction as well.
Jobs, like relationships, define who we are. They affect our financial situation, our sense of self and our attitude about what is possible to achieve in the world. Each choice leads to different possible futures. Just like there is no real perfect job, the same is true with a relationship. You find the best one you can and try make it work. And if that doesn’t ever work, maybe you should go into business for yourself.