America's best: Sports 2003

By Dan Nied [send email]

Hey a lot happened this year in Sports. This can get kind of long, and since you've probably already read about 700 lists like this, We'll get right to it.

The biggest

1. Kobe hits the wrong hole
No one really knows what happened, but everyone agrees it wasn’t good. What we do know is that Lakers guard Kobe Bryant had sex with a woman other than his wife. But we aren’t sure if the woman, well, wanted it. This story has some clutch carry over appeal as it will almost certainly be on our 2004 list. Check it out next year for the exciting conclusion. Can the Lakers stop fighting like 12-year old girls long enough to win a championship? Will Kobe get the Clockwork Orange treatment after his conviction? Will the judge ever stop looking surprised? It’ll play out in Colorado next year.

2. LeBron takes on the world
He had $90 million in endorsements before his opening tip in the NBA, but then he came out and delivered. Through 29 games the phenom averaged 19.2 ppg, 6.2 apg and 6.0 rpg.

3. BoSox/Cubs fail again
Steve Bartman and Grady Little made sure of this one. Bartman, a Cubs superfan complete with turtle neck and transistor radio, went for a foul ball that left fielder Moises Alou had his sights on in the NLCS. Bartman got a hand on it first and seared his name and nerdly image into the minds of vindictive Cubs supporters for years to come. As for Little. Well, when he left a gassed Pedro Martinez in to face the Yabkees in the eighth inning of the seventh game of the ALCS all of New England Hyperventilated. Sure enough, Pedro blew a 5-2 lead and the Yankees went on to win in extra innings.

4.Clarett in it for the cash
What? Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett didn’t go to class? The heck you say. Clarett allegedly walked out of a midterm midway because, according to the professor, he didn’t know a thing. But it pays to be the star of a national championship team. The professor gave him an oral makeup exam, which he passed. We hear he got a B just for spelling C-L-A-R-E-T-T. Everything else was cream cheese.

5.BCS drops the C
It isn’t that the BCS got their championship match up wrong. It’s that no one knows if they got it right. LSU, USC and Oklahoma each finished the year with one loss, but USC finished on top in both the coaches and the media polls. Still, the BCS computed that the Sooners and Tigers strap it on for the national championship in the Sugar Bowl Jan. 3. while the Trojans have to settle for facing lowly No. 4 Michigan and complaining that they got screwed out of the Sears Trophy.

Honorable Mention: Gruden beats old team for Super Bowl win, Bekham traded to Real Madrid, Fans Tune out NBA Finals, Devils win third Stanley Cup, Lakers reload with Mailman and Payton for championship run

Best Stories
1.MAC beats up on BCS teams
It all started when Mid-American patsy Northern Illinois shocked a highly ranked Maryland team to open the season. It continued when Bowling Green beat then No. 16 Purdue. Then in arguably the greatest weekend any conference has ever had, NIU beats Alabama, Bowling Green gives defending national champ Ohio State a scare, Toledo rocks Pittsburgh and Marshall KO’s No. 5 Kansas State, vaulting the MAC onto the radar. The MAC nearly caused a major controversy until these teams all beat up on each other in the conference season. In the end, only Miami (OH) came out untarnished with only one loss. And that was to Iowa, which didn’t really help the cause at all. Bowling Green is the only other MAC team to go to a bowl (They beat Northwestern 28-24 in the Motor City Bowl) while NIU, Toledo and Marshall wonder why a conference this good gets only two bowl bids.

2.McKeon takes Marlins to promised land
When Jack McKeon took over as manager for the Florida Marlins for the fired Jeff Torborg in May, the critics said the ancient skipper was too old to relate to the hip hop lifestyle of today’s players. But, it turns out, baseball knowledge still counts for something. In this case McKeon turned a rag tag bunch of kids into a World Series winning machine. Kinda like the Walter Mathau to a group of Millionaire Bad News Bears.

3.Armstrong wins fifth Tour de France
What can you say about a cancer survivor who wins the world’s toughest bike race five straight times? Well, He’s good. Is there anything else?

4.No names win PGA’s finest
Finally, it wasn’t the Year of the Tiger. Instead Woods delt with a “slump” while four new guys picked up the slack in the majors. Ben Curtis took the British Open, Jim Furyk nabbed the U.S. Open, Shaun Micheel went home with the PGA Championship title and Mike Weir handled the field in the Masters. Meanwhile, Phil Mickelson thought about switching to the right side and David Duval wondered how he could get back to the status of greats like John Daly.

5.Ohio State upset ‘Canes for National Championship.
It may have been the greatest college football game of all time. The Buckeyes had barely made it through the regular season unscathed, but somehow ended up 13-0 going into the Fiesta Bowl against a mighty Miami Hurricane team. Ohio State kept it close and, with the benefit of a controversial pass interference call, managed to get the win, 31-24.

Honorable Mention: Old time Oilers/Canadiens skate one last time at Heritage Classic, Ducks get “Jiggy” with it, Carmello gives Boeheim amazing gift, Klitchko nearly defeats Lewis, Detroit Shock: from worst to first in WNBA,

The worst of the worst

1.Ted Williams cracks his skull
Williams’ son, John Henry, decided that the best thing for Dad after death was to have him frozen, decapitated and put in an aluminum can until they could find a cure for whatever killed the Splendid Splinter. But no one really thought of the fact that Williams was fucking miserable in his last days. What killed him was being old, senile, decrepit and crabby. So, when he gets woken up in a few hundred years, he won’t know where he is, he’ll be pissed off and he’ll either die again in a few days or live miserable until the world explodes. That’s what you get when you have a fucking moron for a son.

2.Coaches gone Wild
Just so you know, we wrote this headline BEFORE ESPN The Magazine came out with the same title. We aren’t changing it. But, that does tell us that we should be working for ESPN. Anyway, Alabama football coach Mike Price found love with strippers, Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy found love with a can of Natty Lite and a chubby coed and Washington football coach Rick Neuheisel found love with an NCAA tournament bracket. All were fired. All gave us some good laughs. Price was just hired to coach at UTEP, Eustachy is on step 7 of Alcoholics Anonymous and Neuheisel put in some quality time coaching at a high school. Reportedly, money is tight so he is in favor of an NCAA Division 1-A football playoff.

3.Joe Horn Dials up, and we can’t stop talking.
We aren’t appalled that New Orleans Saints’ receiver Joe Horn hid a cell phone underneath a goal post cushion for an end zone celebration. We can’t believe that every asshole who thinks Horn violated the integrity of the game won’t stop talking about it. Maybe if you’d shut the fuck up, stop calling talk shows to complain and make “Joe Horn” a household name, no one would do it again.

4.Baseball cons fans with Steroid policy
The schedule for next year just came out. Sammy Sosa is up for random testing just after his next cycle ends.

5.Bliss tries to frame murdered player
Baylor basketball coach Dave Bliss really is a prick. One of his players, Patrick Dennehy is murdered, which means a police investigation, which means that someone is going to uncover some violations in Bliss’program so Bliss decides to make a squeaky clean Dennehy look like a drug dealer to cover up. Seriously. What a dick. By the way, Bliss is coaching a high school team now.

Honorable Mention: Nebraska Football player clocks Missouri fan, Hockey Dad sues for $50,000 because he doesn’t like his son’s team, Millen calls former player a “faggot”, Tigers challenge for single season futility mark.

We’ll Miss you

1.Michael Jordan
Jordan’s third retirement barely registered in the sporting world. After all, how many times can you meaningfully look back on a man’s career? But he is still one of the top three athletes of the last 100 years and that doesn’t come around very often.

2.Pete Sampras
He WAS a role model. Tennis’ golden boy spent his career doing the only thing that is universally respected: winning. He never spilled over onto the blotter page, he never had any drunken fights. His rivalry with Andre Agasi was a distinctly American experience for all involved. For the time he was around, Pete Sampras quietly represented everything we hold dear to Sports in this country.

3.Herb Brooks
When the coach of the Miracle on Ice died in a one car crash this year, Everyone lost a part of Americana. Brooks may not have been flashy, but dammit, he orchestrated the greatest moment in American Sports. That’s got to be worth something right? It is.

4.Otto Graham
He was tough as nails and an amazing passer. The old Browns quarterback played the star in a football dynasty in the middle of the 1900s. It is sad, then, that George Steinbrenner got more attention for fainting at Graham’s funeral than Graham did for being a wonderful man.

5.Warren Spahn
There was a certain grace about the hall of fame pitcher. Those who knew him said that he appreciated the game, but knew that’s all baseball was: a game. His game was devoid of headhunting and he shrugged off losses with enviable ease. It is fitting that his plaque hangs in Cooperstown.