First in a six-part series.
Greetings, and welcome to your local version of a retail entertainment outlet. Perhaps you're renting a movie, buying a CD, or looking at the latest games. In any case, I will be your Customer Service Representative, part-time designation. I'm here to help you.
Now, please don't make me kill you.
By J. Michael Bestul
210 west Writer [send email]
Ladies and gentlemen, 'tis the season for commerce and consumerism. That's an inescapable reality. If you want the spiritual end of the holiday season, look Charles Schultz. He did it better than I ever will be able to. No, you clicked on this essay because you are a customer. We all are, at this time of year. It brings us together in a seething mob of wallets and transactions, all creeds and color blending behind the pale green of the paper and coin that state, "In God We Trust."
(See, I try for Schultz, and I come closer to a bitter, post-modern Lovecraft.)
But I digress. As I said, we are all customers. And, according to my observations, most of us suck at it. I am here to remedy that. After one too many uber-idiocy days at work (and one IS too many), I've decided to provide five easy lessons to the drove of mindless people who shop in retail and rental stores.
Before we begin though, there are two main things to get out of the way. First, I need to dispel the myth that pervades the customer culture. Everybody's heard it. You know, "The customer is always right"?
You're not. And no amount of quoting cliche is going to stop me from jamming "Totally Hits Christmas" down your throat when you finally make me snap. So listen up: When you ask us to break street date, when you try to haggle prices, when you verbally assault us, you are not right. Deal with it.
That's just the beginning. Over the course of the next five days, I will provide one lesson per day. Included will be an illustrative example or two, taken from the personal experiences of myself and my roommate. Also included will be a healthy dose of rage; don't take it personally. Just take it as an indicator of the state of mind most retail employees are in when confronted by the common-variety crap-for-brains.
Second, I need to set some ground rules. One is that these lessons are geared toward small- to mid-size franchise stores (as opposed to the massive soulless ones), but can be applied anywhere. If you're taking your business to massive (inter)national outlets, you are willingly sacrificing service for marginally lower prices. Write that one down. It'll pop up a lot during these lessons.
In addition, if I'm going to dish out criticism and abuse to the stupid customers, it's imperative that I don't overlook the things that customers should be able to hold retail workers accountable for. There are three things that a customer should expect:
- Service
- Communication
- Choice
Service: When you enter a store, even if you don't get smiles and hugs, you should at least get service without a grumble. If you need help or have questions (within reason), we should provide assistance in any way possible. Seriously, I do mean "within reason." Don't ask us about returning items that you bought, USED, and realized that it wasn't maybe the thing you wanted. Making a purchase is a risk. Do your homework.
Communication: You should be able to inform/inquire of a retail employee in the area of their expertise. This does not mean you should have the right to tear us a new one. There's a difference between confirming a release date, and telling us our info is wrong and we suck because you saw something on a message board. There's a difference between questioning a price on a product, and getting indignant about it. I don't care if you can get it for a dollar less across the mall, don't rub my nose in it. I have a long metal pole that's meant to close the gate; however, it can be used for impromptu and imprecise brain-removal surgery.
Choice: You have a choice. Let me stress that again: you have a choice. You are free to walk out of my store at any point in time, and use you spending power elsewhere. If it gets you off that Best Soulless Mart offers lower prices and less human interaction, great. Go. Don't hang around to belittle the retail workers in the mall. Remember the long metal pole... and I've been watching a lot of documentaries on mummification lately.
There we go. Let the ranting begin...
Tommorrow's Lesson: Don't shoot the messenger.