How to Be a Customer: Lesson 4

By J. Michael Bestul
210 west Writer [send email]

Ever notice how the massive corporate (read: soulless) retail/rental/entertainment outlets generally make you feel alternately like sucker / valued customer / potential criminal? That's because they can use any measure necessary to guarantee that their stock isn't stolen. Why? Because you'll still come back to get that $lower price on a new piece of entertainment. (Remember the theme that I keep harping on as if I were a cherubim: Better prices come at a cost, usually in terms of personality/service)

Meanwhile, at the small to mid-size stores, we prefer personality and service. We'll bend the occasional policy, recommend stuff that you might also enjoy, and even help you find a place that carries what we might not. More often than not, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

To use a cliche, if we give you a foot, don't try to make it a mile. This can be in many different ways:

• If we're being helpful, don't use it as a screen so your friend can try to shoplift or look at the naughty stuff.
  
• If you're "just browsing," don't say that so we don't look at you while you pocket things or rearrange product.
  
• If we bend policy to accommodate you, don't try to haggle or ask us to bend it further, or expect it every time you come in.
  
• Oh, and don't utilize the store as a place to hang out and play video games until your friend picks you up in a couple hours. (Seriously. Those game monitors are for people who want to test out a game before dropping $50, not for someone with so much bloody free time that you hang out in the mall. Anyone with that little to do needs to sell themselves to science.)

Any of those things are, simply put, trying to take advantage of our hospitality. And guess what? We don't forget, and we point you out to co-workers.

Remember, you aren't the only one whom your actions affect.

Today's Example: As tempting as it is to re-iterate the the previous example, I should use a new one. Or two. Two would be good.

The first involves the old-fashioned haggle. Most businesses have a type of coupon that they use when a customer goes through a freakish/frustrating transaction/experience. It sometimes is the same as the coupons that the business gives to frequent customers, people to reserve items, or the like. (By the way, don't try and cause a scene just so we'll pacify you with a coupon. Once you say that, we realize that you're not a put-out customer, just an asshole.)

The subject got such a coupon, which takes "$X off any regularly-priced item of at least $XX.99." The subject had just received it that visit. He/She then tried to purchase an item that was not only on sale, but on sale for less than the coupon minimum. When the diligent employees pointed this out, he/she insisted that they try to ring it through anyway.

Here's a tip: don't ask an employee to "try it, anyway," when it's obviously against policy. The employees have no desire to get written up/fired, just because you're friggin' cheap.

The secondary example involves a group of "customers." One of them, wheelchair-bound, realized that his/her chair set off the anti-theft censors in stores. The employees, being of the "nice" variety, just waved this subject in/out, no big deal. He/She used this to have his/her friends put product in the chair. It not only improves mobility, now it also allows you to shoplift!

Guess what? After one or two visits that coincided with theft, including visual confirmation of said actions, the employees not only don't wave the group off, they harass the group and get downright petulant with them, driving them out of the store.

When you try to take advantage of us, we will rescind any and every form of service. It's our right. Don't make us use it.

Next Lesson: Guess what? You are NOT the only customer! -gasp!-