Todd Merriman revisits this classic tale of ass-kicking and revenge.
The Crippled Masters
Rated R
Starring: Frankie Shum and Jack Conn
Directed by: Joe Law
90 minutes
GRADE: B
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who practices kung fu?
You’d better call him sir, or you may be in for an ass-whipping.
That’s the underlying moral of Joe Law’s 1982 chopsocky freak show, “The Crippled Masters,” in which two men, one without arms and the other without functional legs, team up to exact their revenge on the evil warlord that maimed them.
It’s a story of determination in the face of adversity that would put any human interest piece on “Dateline NBC” to shame. A disabled skydiver has nothing on an armless guy who can twirl a stick with his stump or choke someone to death with his toes.
The handi-capable duo learn their fighting basics from an old master who sleeps in a large basket, his ankles tucked neatly behind his head. In eturrn for their training, he asks them to steal from the warlord a box of green knickknacks called the “Eight Jade Horses, which, if studied intensely enough, will unlock the secrets of unbeatable kung fu.
And it will take unbeatable kung fu to defeat the evil warlord once and for all, for he rules over his village with an iron fist and back.
He has a scar on his face that changes size and position from scene-to-scene, and a hump that’s never explained. Suffice to say that it resounds with a defensive clang when struck by an opponent in battle. When used offensively, it sounds like a desk drawer opening.
“ Crippled Masters” offers the usual low-budget Hong Kong action fare -- bad dubbing, portions of film removed to quicken the moves in combat, and preposterous dialogue.
When a coffin maker introduces himself to the armless man early in the film, he says, “When I see gold, I become very happy, so everybody calls me Chin.” Something must have gotten lost in the translation.
While the warlord is an expert combatant, he seems to need help with his smack-talking. Ina showdown with the old master, he says, “If you don’t be quiet, I’ll break every bone in your body,” then adds, “What do you think of that?”
The old man doesn’t respond verbally, which is probably for the best considering other reactions to the warlord’s threats. In an exchange with a business owner, the warlord says, “If you don’t let me have this place, then I’ll destroy all of you.”
“Good!” the business owner shouts. And then they fight.
What distinguishes “The Crippled Masters” from other kung fu non-classics is the old-fashioned sideshow tradition of being able to gawk at people missing limbs as they perform tricks and stunts.
There aren’t any special effects like those used in “Forrest Gump” to remove Lt. Dan’s legs, either. The film stars real-live cripples--men who, despite what the story line says about swords and acid, appear to have been born that way. The armless man has at the end of his left stump a thumb-like appendage that would take some pretty tricky carving to create.
Lest I be dubbed insensitive for even reviewing this movie, I’d like to point out that the warlord does seriously underestimate the abilities of those he maims. When he pours acid all over one of the title characters’ legs, he says, “All I know is those against me, like you, die... You wanted to be a success. Now I’ve destroyed your legs. See what you can do without them!”
And that’s just not cool. There are plenty of jobs people without legs can hold down -- telemarketer, concert pianist, astrophysicist, and publisher of hardcore pornography, just to name a few.
Out of a six-pack, I give this movie four beers. Watch at your own risk.