From dowries to Linens and Things

By Natalie Miller
210 west Content Editor [send email]

Having gone to a baby shower, two bridal showers and a bachelorette party recently, I got to thinking about women and their rituals. The above traditions are unique in that they are rituals, yet only have social -- not religious -- significance. They’ve developed over the years, and many women have attended them, and many have been the woman of honor. It’s a continual tradition that has evolved from a time when a woman’s peers gave her gifts because her father couldn’t or wouldn’t give her a dowry. I have not heard where the baby shower tradition came from, but imagine it sprung from passing on baby clothes and things to the next generation or to help get a young mother-to-be on her feet.

But now I wonder, can showers evolve into something more meaningful, or is it time to phase them out all together? The bachelorette party serves as sort of a shower into the bedroom part of marriage, while the actual shower is about creating a home – the more domestic sphere of marriage.
But as the marriage age gets higher, is it necessary to shower the couple with homemaking gifts? And when I say “the couple,” why does it mean we give the gifts to the man through the woman?

Registering changes everything – the surprise of the shower is no longer. The bride and groom have already picked out the mixer they want, what kind of plates and the bathroom décor theme. So opening the gifts becomes “my mixer” “my plates” and “my towels.” It’s really not all that fun to watch people exclaim over gifts they were already expecting to get. Especially if they get more than one set. Modern wedding tradition has extended into registering for kayaks and backyard grills, as well as honeymoon travel. As I heard one old lady say “why should I pay for them to have sex in a tropical location?”

But despite the revulsion of consumption, I enjoy the all-female aspect of showers and the like. Most modern social occasions are co-ed. I like just hanging with my girls. But adding the older female element usually tones things down. Despite the unusually high number of women, it's not all chummy -- showers are a mix of the bride’s peers and relatives, and possibly the groom’s relatives. This creates an air of formality rather than intimacy. It’s food and gifts and small talk. (Careful, don’t say anything off-color to shock the groom’s mother.)

I think that the modern bridal shower could be revamped as a time of closeness for the bride, her friends and close family. They could give her surprise gifts as more of a rite of passage than a consumerist orgy. Family heirlooms could be passed on, advice on marriage given and memories shared. Less people may mean less gifts, but I think it could be potentially more meaningful. Who will go for this? I’m not even sure many women I know would because it’s a radical idea. But I just have to put it out there – tradition for the sake of tradition is a waste, in my opinion.

As for bachelorette parties, these fairly modern inventions that are seemingly more modern than traditional showers. It’s where the bride’s friends take over and everyone lets loose. Or the bride’s friends try to embarrass and sometimes humiliate her. (With friends like these…. ) I used to work at a bar that was very popular with bachelorette parties, and I saw a lot of bachelorette gangs with veils and “suck for a buck” T’s and penis paraphernalia. The tradition seems to have been created to mirror the legendary debauchery of bachelor parties. The whole “last night out” concept goes both ways. But is this bonding? It certainly does not reflect the relationships of most women I know.

So it happens, people dance, get drunk and have fun. Nobody gets hurt. It’s harmless – but is it meaningful as a wedding tradition? Why does the bride get all that attention? Is it to purge her wildness before she takes the plunge? The male tradition seems to include a lot of ribbing about his change in status -- the last night out of freedom before the old ball and chain is attached, ad nauseum. But do women feel the same way about marriage? Should they be subject to the same ribbing for the sake of equality?

It seems to feed the wedding machine – another tradition that should be followed, involves lots of planning and spending money. I think it should be up to the bride, and there shouldn’t be any pressure to conform from the friends to their idea of it. I just met my best girlfriends for a weekend in Chicago to catch up a month before the wedding, and that satisfied me totally of the concept.

Baby showers are something I’m not that familiar with, but it runs along the same concept. The most recent one I went to had an odd assortment of people. There were more tertiary relationships than you could shake a stick at: the wife of a guy who works with the father of the baby, the mother of a woman who works with the husband’s mother and the girl dating the brother of the husband. For being the reason for the shower and the center of attention, the mother-to-be only had a few close friends in attendance. This is another time when there could be great passing on of advice and information about women’s lives and what having a baby is like, etc. But instead it was food, games and gifts. Including a game the mother-to-be didn’t want to play. And food that she couldn’t eat. So it seemed like an excuse for the hostess to have a bunch of ladies over to impress them.

But as with most things female, I’m sure everyone’s intentions were good. It’s just that no one is willing to say “stop” – let’s do something else. It’s extremely hard to say no to people trying to do something nice for you, and most women think it’s bad manners to do so. But I say it erodes real relationships and prevents an intimate, memorable gathering, substituted instead with forced smiles and interest in what the other person is saying about her first son’s diaper rash.

Anyone else out there have comments?