Your ass is all yours, enjoy it

By Chuck Soder
210 west Writer [send email]

U.S. citizens, put your hands on your asses, and proudly give a good, solid squeeze: You now officially own every inch of your tail-end, thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court’s June 23 ruling.

The court voted 6-3 in Lawrence and Garner v. Texas to strike down a 1986 decision that let states outlaw one of the world’s most horrific and hilarious acts: anal sex.

This probably won’t do much to change what people do in their bedrooms—rarely did police ever crack down on anal sex outlaws in the first place. Heck, tons of ’em were behind bars when they started.

This is more of an ideological victory, especially for homosexuals.

Thirteen states have anti-sodomy laws, but four of those banned only gay sex: Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma and, of course, Texas. That’s where plaintiffs John Geddes Lawrence and Tyron Garner were caught in 1998 doing the ultra-nasty after a neighbor called police to say a man next door was “going crazy,” according to the Associated Press.

They were fined $200 and spent a night in jail, where they likely continued “going crazy.”

The ruling will nullify anti-sodomy laws across the nation, according to CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin. But the decision specifically overruled a Texas ban on gay sex, oral and anal, which had no foundation in the first place.
However, the Rev. Rob Shenck of the National Clergy Council begs to differ: “The court has said today that morality — matters of right and wrong behavior — do not matter in the law.”

Gay sex, he implies, falls into the “wrong” category. His argument — and that of many others on his side — can be summed up like so: “God and I don’t like gay sex. It is disgusting, so it is wrong.”

Something can’t be outlawed just because some people find it offensive — after all, disgust is just a matter of taste. I don’t like gay sex. But I don’t like broccoli either, and I can’t make that illegal. I think Britney Spears is a talentless, annoying wench, but I can’t throw her behind bars. Nor am I a big fan of Satan worshipers — neither is God — but they are free to pay homage to their dark master as long as they don’t summon their beloved demons to destroy the Earth.

This case is being called a victory for gays, but it’s also a win for everybody else. It could set a pro-privacy precedent by reminding legislators and judges what the word “freedom” really means: People can do whatever they please as long as they don’t infringe on the rights of others.

Yet, those in power still forget this definition every now and then. They still ban gay marriage, suicide and prostitution all while making everybody wear seat belts.

Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum will probably never realize what “freedom” is supposed to mean. In words embarrassing both Democrats and fellow Republicans, Santorum told the Associated Press that, once sodomy is legalized, “then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery, you have the right to anything.”

His comparisons are a little off. Incest can produce mutant babies. Anal sex can’t. Adultery is based on deceit — and isn't actually illegal — Anal sex isn’t. That leaves bigamy and polygamy — why not legalize them? Who’s being hurt? Once again, these things shouldn’t be illegal only because some folks simply don’t like them. Actually, a three-way is starting to sound pretty good right about now. Seems it’d fit nicely into that “pursuit of happiness” category.

So go ahead sodomites, gay and straight. Continue your pursuit of happiness. Even if that journey gets a little dirty along the way.