100 Days

So today I had what basically amounted to an impromptu day off. For certain reasons, a sports reporter was not needed at the paper for most of the day. So I did some other work, which didn’t take all that long, and sat around for the rest of the day.

One sign that your lifestyle is changing: When you have done nothing for most of the day, you decide to give yourself a break by going to the gym for the fourth straight day.

That was about the most exciting thing that happened today. I was in a position where I could have easily ordered a pizza, but I decided to ellipticize instead. So way to go Dan! But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been cooped up in this apartment all day, save for the hour I was somewhere else. That’s not too fun.

I will spare you the normal bullshit about being lazy and such. I think it gets kind of old since everyone hates something about their life. And I’m not gonna go off on a tangent about being alone and wondering if I’ll ever find someone to love me.

Basically, today I think we should get back to talking about the diet. I must ask forgiveness if this blog becomes more about life than weight loss. After 168 days, everything has been covered. So I will probably move away from talking about what I ate on a certain day and instead give some views on stuff while tying it all into the ongoing project which, at the current pace, could take at least a year to complete.

So anyway, in the four days I’ve been back in town, I’ve done average, not great. Weight is coming off more slowly than before and, to be honest, I am sort of frustrated. I had a classic fuckup night on Tuesday, eating four lean pockets at 9 p.m. and wondering why I didn’t lose any weight the next day. I guess the only good thing I can say about Tuesday is that 1) I worked out 2) those lean pockets put me at about 2,200 calories for the day. So it could be said that it wasn’t a terrible day since the calories still were under the base. But that would also be total bullshit.

I am trying to get my mindset back to the point where I can easily take in 1,200 calories per day without any problems. I think that is probably going to be pretty easy, as long as I go shopping on a regular basis. Since I haven’t been to Wal-Mart since I got home, I have been living off of tuna and Subway. It’s not the best way to go. I’ll head over to the grocery store tomorrow to buy a few things (money is tight right now) and at least get through the weekend.

I am kind of sick of trying to convince myself that 280 isn’t fat. Look, I carry 280 pounds as well as anyone could, but it is still overweight and hampers my ability to live the life I want to live. So I have to keep reminding myself that 280 is fat. And I’ve been at this point before. I know what it is like to be 280. But what I don’t know is how it feels to be 240 and muscular. I think it might be nice to have that kind of confidence in your body. I don’t know that I can ever be fully confident in my body, but it might be nice to have a body that works for me instead of against me.

So it makes no sense to ease up right now, especially as I’ve found this stage to be the most difficult in the process. I need to get tougher, cut calories back to where they were, and work out on a regular schedule. Maybe that sounds maniacal or obsessive, but believe me, it isn’t. I am trying to avert my laziness by painting this as something I have to do.

One day I will move out of this town and I will probably still have some good years ahead of me. Do I want my body to be an issue to whatever new people I meet? Nope. And if I am successful, that would be the first time ever that my body wasn’t hindering my daily life.