100 Days

Sorry I left you guys in the dark Monday. A big story broke Sunday night and I had to bump the blog entry to actually do work that I get paid for.

Unfortunately, that story has also taken up most of my Monday, so this might get kind of short.

For the record: I had kind of a bad weekend, eating-wise. there were not major fuck ups, but I didn't exactly follow the diet. Sunday I sort of had to sit down and remind myself of the reasons I started this in the first place. It wasn't to get below 300 pounds, it was to get to 270. Since I still haven't done that, I can't relax now.

But even with some relatively bad eating over the weekend, I managed to get to the gym for a long-overdue workout Sunday. Afterwards, I weighed in at 291.4 pounds. So I at least ate smart enough to lose a little bit of weight.

And while 291 (we'll round down) is a good spot to be in right now, I couldn't help but think that it was a full three weeks after my trip to Colorado Springs. I was 300 on the dot for that trip, so in three weeks I've lost nine pounds. While typing that out, I feel pretty good about it. But then, when I really think about it, I should be so much lower than 291. Sure an average of three pounds per week is pretty fucking good, but I know that if I had actually been devoted for each of those 21 days, I would probably be down to at least 285 right now, with 270 just a good two weeks away.

See, you have to realize that I am taking off weight at an astonishing pace right now. I don't know why that is, but the scale is dropping like a rock on days when I eat the way I should.

So I took some time to question my commitment to sparklemotion (sorry for the random, vague Donnie Darko quote. It had to be done) and this diet. Over the weekend, I actually had to ask myself if I was going to be able to lose the rest of the weight. I was continuously hungry, and not for Subway either. I wanted burgers and sausage and chocolate and fried ice cream from Chi Chis. I didn't have any of those things, but I would have been happy if I could.

While I wasn't freaking out about it, something about these cravings felt dangerous, almost like giving in would be the beginning of the end. That's when I realized that I had become too lax on this quest. Once I hit 299 and the 100 days were up, I kind of declared it a success and subconsciously decided that everything else was gravy (metaphorically).

So where do I stand right now? I am a little more stable, I suppose. Cravings are there, but then, they will always be there. Monday I ate a fair amount, didn't really take the time to count calories, but I was probably somewhere in the 1,700-2,000 range. I also went to the gym and got on the elliptical for 30 minutes.

I guess we'll have to see if my commitment can be regenerated, or if I am simply going to trudge through the rest of this simply looking forward to the first guilt-free binge at 270 pounds, which will actually not be guilt-free at all.