100 Days

News: Photos taken on Day 99 are up on the site right now. Take a look.

I am a bit alarmed right now, somewhat worried that my mental state is changing a bit. Today was kind of weird. I had to do an interview over lunch and, for lack of a better choice, we went to Pizza Hut. It was pizza buffet time at the old shithouse, a time that used to bring me great joy and even greater physical strain.

I got through lunch just fine, I guess. I had two small slices of olive pizza and a small salad, but when I got done I just wanted more. So I just decided, without really thinking about it, that I would take today off. It was an easy decision to make, and that troubles me. I wouldn’t be worried if I hadn’t just come back from a three day binge with the goal of getting permanently under 300 very soon. So I suppose the consequences create room to question my dedication right now. Of course there have been days like this in the past, all were isolated incidents that didn’t exceed the day in question.

But after last weekend, how could I really justify going off today? Was it simply the fact that I tasted pizza and immediately craved more, and that just happened to be a craving stronger than my will at the moment? Or was there something in the back of my mind telling me I needed to celebrate a little bit more?

Certainly I don’t feel this is a cause for alarm. However, this behavior definitely needs to be monitored. In my visions of failure on this diet, it always goes like this: I drop a bunch of weight, I feel good about myself, I decide I’ve earned a break, the break never ends. Two months later, I’ve put all the weight back on, and I have to have drastic plastic surgery to hide from all the people who had gone out of their way to mention the weight loss and how good I looked.

Now, we don’t want that to happen. At least I don’t. So this is easily correctable. Basically, I just don’t go off the diet any time soon. But what I want to see is how bad the urges are. I think the level of the urges will indicate a level of complacency. Am I happy being 300 pounds right now? I don’t think I am. But maybe I am happy with the initial 71 pounds lost. Maybe that’s the problem. When I hit 330 I tried to imagine 330 as the starting point for this diet. Now I think I have to do the same with 300. It really would be a tragedy to get two-thirds of the way to my ultimate goal and then turn back.

And I suppose that is why I am a bit worried by such a subtle slip. What I ate today wasn’t even that bad. I paid attention to the rule of cheating within the diet. I just had a very big dinner of some healthy choice meals and a bunch of other stuff. But the fact of the matter is that the stakes are highest now that some, but not all, success has been achieved. So while I am not really worried right now, I see cause for concern. But then again, I will probably let you know tomorrow that Wednesday went off without a hitch.