100 Days

What I ate today: Stuff that probably had about 2,300 calories. That included two trips to Subway and one foot long double meat club. But no, there is no food diary today. Sorry.

Exercise: None.

Alright, let me preface this by saying that I am generally in good spirits right now. I think that Wednesday was one of the best days I have had on this diet. I ate five times for just under 1,200 calories and I had a good workout.

However, I will say that my attitude kind of changed today. I know this seems to be kind of cyclical. I am sort of a manic depressive when it comes to this weight loss stuff. Yesterday I was Jack La-fucking-lane. Today I’m Della Reese. That’s how it goes sometimes, I guess. Anyway, right now I am not very enthusiastic about another day on this diet. Despite Wednesday’s heroics, I feel like this has been a sub par week and I am questioning how that could happen when I am so close to the 100 days. At the same time, I am growing more and more despondent with my job (That’s scary because I am not the kind of guy who will bend over and take it. If I go off the deep end, I will stop doing it altogether and sabotage myself. Think I’m lying? Why do you think I spent all of 2003 unemployed?)

So I am wondering if the weight loss and the job go hand in hand. I am also wondering if they are totally unrelated and just happen to be the two biggest things in my life right now.

The thing is, I am happy that I am losing weight. But having lost weight, I am really no happier than I was before. The fantasies I had of this summer are starting to turn into anxieties. What if I can’t lose enough weight by the time I go home? That would be bad. What if I finally start having a good summer, then get another job (a goal by the end of August) and have to start all over in a new location? What happens if I ultimately fail at the weight loss? I don’t know what I would do. This thing has become such a huge goal of mine. It is more than a diet, it is a tangible tool for change. This diet could prove to me what I can do with a little effort. And since I currently have a very bad case of “what-the-fuck-am-I-gonna-do-with-my-life” I think I need to prove to myself that drastic measures can indeed be taken.

But these days, the ones with no motivation, are the worst. I didn’t really want to work today and I certainly talked myself out of exercising. About the only thing I can really salvage from today was that I really wanted to get fast food, yet decided to get a double meat Subway club instead, thereby staying within the cheating rules I have set for myself. Right now there are exactly two weeks left in this, and I have probably blown my chance to get to 300 by then. I have a feeling that a double meat club, even if you don’t get cheese and mayo, isn’t conducive to rapid weight loss (interestingly enough, though, when I went from 345 to 300 a few years ago, the double meat club was consumed at least three times a week).

Look, I know there will be days like this. Actually I am really surprised there haven’t been more. I should be astounded by the amount of motivation I have found over these last 85 days. But when you have come as far as I have, and still have so far to go, every day like this makes you wonder when you will want to say enough is enough. It wouldn’t be hard right now to convince myself to be happy with the 56 pounds I’ve lost. And in turn, it wouldn’t be hard to put 30 of those back on. Every craving, every wrinkle in the routine, every lethargic morning scares me into thinking that I can’t find the motivational fuel to finish this.