100 Days

What I ate today

Breakfast (9 a.m.)
2 servings of oatmeal
1 ½ cups of skim milk
Calories: 335
Fat: 3 grams

Lunch (1 p.m.)
2 slices of multi grain bread
2 servings of turkey
1 serving of fat free mayo
Calories: 205
Fat: 2 grams

Dinner (5:30 p.m.)
1 Subway foot long club
Calories: 640
Fat: 12 grams

Snack (10 p.m.)
2 servings of baby carrots
Calories 70
Fat: 0 grams

Total calories: 1,250
Total fat: 17 grams

Exercise: none

I don’t know if I really hate my job, but I feel like it is lightly jabbing me in the stomach at all times. It is a nagging pain that won’t go away, never dominating my worries, but always – always – in the back of my mind.

This happens from time to time. Sometimes I love what I do, I just hate where I do it. Other times, like right now, I get disgusted at myself for choosing this career path. But I don’t think that any other reasonable job would be any better. I simply don’t really like to work that much, at least if it’s not something I can constantly take pride in. And sometimes the shit that I have to do just piles up so high that you have to just get it done, pride politely moved to the side.

So right now, I am scrambling to meet the deadline for our spring sports preview. I somehow got a coworker to help me out writing the articles (in the past, these 16-20 page endeavors were put together entirely by me. No one else. Just me.)

But now I have to pretty much ignore my actual job for the next two days in order to put this thing together. That’s kind of shitty. But, oh well, everyone hates their job. Why should I complain?

Anyway, good day today, I guess. Saturday I did, however, fail in my latest goal. I was hoping to go the last 30 days without cheating. But I got a really overwhelming urge for macaroni and cheese Saturday night. So I went for it. My decision was aided by three things: 1) It had been a full week since my last slip up, which apparently now is a long time for me. 2) The scale was my friend Saturday, reading out at 314, or 56 pounds lighter than when I began and three pounds lighter than my last weigh in. 3) I got in a great workout Saturday afternoon, complete with basketball (an episode which will be recounted Tuesday.)

What is interesting to me is my attitude toward cheating these days. When I began, cheating was met with absolute horror. I was certain I would fail if I slipped up. In fact, in the first 40 days or so, I believe I cheated only once. Since then, more than once.

What I kept thinking about while eating my macaroni and cheese Saturday was that there wasn’t an ounce of guilt in the action. I wanted macaroni and cheese, I ate it. There was never a doubt that it would be a marijuana-like gateway drug for a red-meat induced avalanche.

Now, let me say this one thing for certain people out there: THIS IS NOT RATIONALIZING OR MAKING EXCUSES. OK? YOU GOT THAT? I AM NOT TRYING TO TELL MYSELF IT IS OK TO CHEAT. I AM JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS ON THE SUBJECT.

Now that that is out of the way, let me go on. This process has made me look at food, and my ability to handle it, differently. At least for now (I need to be strong enough to continue this after the weight is gone. That is the next great challenge.) But I feel like I am armed, now, with knowledge about food, my body and how the two will mix. I understand the goal as it has been stated from the start. I have it in clear focus and I am absolutely amazed at how that goal became second nature to me. Much like work, it is always in the back of my mind. I would say that I think about this goal as much as I think about sex (the two, of course, go hand in hand.) In a way, a good way, I have taken the goal for granted. It’s now just a formality, with no doubt in my mind that the progress I am making will soon lead to the promise land.

The main concern for me right now is trying to figure out how to handle my eating and exercise habits once success is achieved. I know that I want to keep working out until I actually look good. I have already decided (and stated here) that I will probably up the daily calorie intake to 2,000-2,500 once I hit 270. But what happens when I hit 260 or 250? Will I then regress into shitty eating habits again? Since I am now armed with the knowledge that I know how to lose weight, so who cares if I gain 20 pounds or so? That, obviously, is what I am trying to avoid.

Another big question I have is what I can do about the severe stomach pains that shitty food causes me now. It happened this morning, at 6 a.m. I was damn near crippled. I tried to get them out naturally, but nothing could be done. I lay on the couch all morning in pain. Forgive my ignorance on the subject, but is that what Pepto Bismol is for? If anyone has answers to this, please let me know. I don’t plan on eating shitty very often, but it would be nice if, when I did, I wasn’t doubled over in stomach pains.

So this gets a little more complicated as we go along. Like President Bush, I went into this war without an exit strategy. I think the clear answer is that there shouldn’t be an exit strategy. Surely I can’t go back to eating like I did before, but I would, however, like to someday eat like a normal person. I’d like to go out to eat from time to time without worrying about getting punched in the gut by a cheeseburger.

I guess I might be getting ahead of myself here. There are still 44 pounds left to burn off before any of this becomes relevant. But that’s what I am thinking about right now, and that is great news because it means that everything with the diet is totally under control.

I am confident. I am fine.