100 Days

Again, no food journal today. If you want to know, I got mildly tripped up by the buffet again. But nothing too serious. I also worked out, doing 30 minutes on the elliptical and the exercises Shep showed me. Not a horrible day. But certainly not a great day, at least as far as eating goes.

But this was a fantastic day as far as my mindset. We’ll get to that in a second.

First, the news you were all waiting for: Did I eat the burgers last night?

Do I even have to answer that? Of course I did.

Were they good? Eh, not that good. Did I learn a lesson from eating them? Definitely. I almost wound up in the emergency room.

It wasn’t anything serious, but I wasn’t sure what was going on this morning when I woke up at 7:30 with a softball-sized knot of pain in my upper right abdomen. I got up and tried to walk it off. I lay back down and cursed at the ceiling. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t lay on my stomach. After a half hour of this, I seriously contemplated going to the hospital. Seriously, I did. I kind of knew what had to happen to make the pain go away, but that thing wasn’t happening. Also, I had never felt pain like this in my stomach before and I got thoughts that maybe it wasn’t all because of what I ate the night before. Maybe it was an appendix or something more severe. Eventually, though, I made it go away naturally.

I took the whole experience as a good sign. I was almost proud that I had gotten to the point that greasy foods don’t agree with me. In the long term, I hope to cut that kind of thing out altogether.

Needless to say, I didn’t make it into work this morning. And before I went to go work out, I took a few moments to think about this entire process, and where I am at right now. I came up with a few conclusions about this recent string of shit eating:

1)After losing 40 pounds in 50 days, I felt I deserved a large reward for my success. That feeling came despite the fact that the goal was to lose 100 pounds, not 40. I lost track of the bigger picture and that was something I couldn’t afford to do.

2)I think, in a lot of ways, I put too much pressure on myself. Part of the recent self-destruction came from the fact that the 100 pound goal was always at the forefront of my thinking. Every single vision I had was of me at 270. Every thought came with the preface of: When I hit 270…

And in turn, it got to be somewhat unbearable when I would plateau. So even though I wanted to reward myself for losing the 40 pounds, I also had a misguided feeling that this diet wasn’t working. That was despite regular losses of two to three pounds per week. But even with those results, I was disappointed that it wasn’t 7-10 pounds per week. That was just too much to ask and I can’t believe I let myself think like that.

3)I’m not too worried about the recent fuck ups because every single one happened in the same exact scenario. Go back to the gravy incident at the beginning. That was the same thing, too. Every fuck up began with delicious food being offered to me for free at a sporting event. I am not in that situation very often. (Although, next week I will be going to a major junior college basketball tournament in Wyoming, where there will almost certainly be a top-of-the-line media buffet set up for three straight days.) However, I realize that I rationalized the gravy situation as one in which I had no choice. I can easily do the same for this week’s screw ups.

I have to be more responsible for situations like this. It wasn’t one of my goals to become more responsible around food, but now I see that it has to be if I want to keep the weight off. I must use this as a learning process, because the knowledge I gain in doing this experiment will apply to my entire life.

4)My friend Guy asked me if he thought there was any significance to screwing up so close to a milestone date (50 days). I don’t think so. However, I think that may have been just long enough to grow discouraged with the fact that I am depriving myself of even moderately unhealthy food that would quench some of the urges. I am human. That is the best excuse I can come up with. And if I can make it through this rough time with my sensibilities intact, then I will be very happy. I guess we will see if this mini-bender can help me in some way (i.e., learning the evils of fast food hamburgers after nearly two months of eating white meat and vegetables.)

Now, to address these conclusions, I have come up with a few new goals:

1)100 pounds in 100 days? I answered my theory. It can’t be done, at least not by me. But that doesn’t make this a failing quest nor does it make me want to quit at all. Actually there is a new theory, and this one can definitely be called a goal (unlike the 100 pounds in 100 days, which was only a theory.) Now, the goal is 30 pounds in 50 days. I know it can be reached because I just did it. But if I lose 30 pounds in the next 50 days, I will be down to 300, which I have always declared my normal weight (I’ve been hovering around that mark since my sophomore year in high school). Once I get there, I can relax a bit, increase the daily caloric intake to 2,000-2,500, keep working out and slowly drop the rest of the weight. And at the same time, 70 pounds in 100 days would probably be the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. So from here on out, I am looking at 330 as a starting weight.

2)There is one thing I have done a great job of this week. Through Thursday, I have exercised four times. Though I only got 20 minutes in on the elliptical machine Tuesday, I still made the effort to exercise. I am extremely happy about that. I actually look forward to going to the gym now, where I wouldn’t even set foot in the weight room only two months ago. My plan is to work out Friday. The goal is to continue on a five-day (at least) per week schedule, using Monday, Wednesday and Friday for full body workouts and doing Shep’s exercises Tuesdays and Thursdays. The elliptical trainer will be used each day for at least one 20 minute workout (But, more likely 40 minutes). If I can stick to that schedule, 30 pounds in 50 days may be shattered.

3)The only short term goal I came up with was to stay the hell out of the buffet room Friday and Saturday night. Also, I want to come back from Wyoming having eaten nothing that would be considered cheating. If I have to find the area Subway and go three times a day, then I’m gonna do it. I am planning on bringing a cooler full of healthy things that will hopefully enable me to stay out of the grease.

After thinking about this for awhile, I feel like these mistakes are all behind me. I can’t guarantee they won’t happen again, I guess, but I can confidently say that my mind, right now, is where it needs to be. And that, as I’ve learned, is the most important part.