100 Days

No food diary today, because I couldn't begin to keep track of what I ate.

But I did have another screw up, this time to the dreaded high school basketball tournament buffet. There was fried chicken and sandwiches and cookies and I enjoyed them all. I made the decision to head up to the hospitality room during one of the games. While I made the walk, I felt like a 60-year old man walking alone into a strip club on a Wednesday afternoon.

It just wasn't right, but I couldn't wait to get there.

So I screwed up and then I thought: Hey, why spoil a good thing here? Go all out.

So I sit here now, with a Wendy's bag within reach. Inside are two burgers, one a classic triple with cheese, the other a junior bacon cheeseburger. I am still debating on whether to eat them. At this point, they are my hostages and I am trying to figure out my demands. I don't know what I want in return for their lives. However, we could start with the ability to snap my fingers and be 270 pounds in an instant. That might spare these burgers.

So here I am, smack dab in the middle of this diet, trying to figure out what to do next. I have fucked up twice in the last four days. I will not be fucking up Thursday, though. That I can promise.

But what is obvious to me is that I no longer have that iron grip on my wills that I did for the first 40 days of this diet. It is slowly slipping away, as I convince myself that every bite of fat is reward for losing 40 pounds (Officially down to 329 1/2 today).

I don't think this quest is in serious trouble. However, I do know that continuous fuck ups are not part of the plan, at least not right now. I also know that I have a new love for exercising, something I did for two hours today and am whole heartedly looking forward to tomorrow.

I also know that if I eat these burgers, it won't change the progress I have made over the last 50 days. But still I know that, while these burgers won't change anything, the next ones might, and the ones after that even more.

So I sit and ponder what I want to do right now and I think that I am pretty sure I don't really know.

I won't go any further with this post. I will just say that I am going to think about this entire situation on Thursday and figure out my next move.

So look forward to that.