100 Days

What I ate today

Breakfast (9 a.m.)
4 ounces of turkey breast
2 slices of wheat bread
1 shitload of yellow mustard
1 serving V-8 juice
Calories: 240
Fat: 3 grams

Lunch (2 p.m.)
2 ounces of turkey breast
2 slices of wheat bread
1 serving of fat free mayonnaise
1 shitload of mustard
1 ½ cup of red grapes
Calories: 248
Fat: 2 grams

Dinner ( 8 p.m.)
1 Subway club on white bread, no cheese, no mayonnaise, extra mustard, all vegetables except jalapenos, extra pickles and olives
Calories: 640
Fat: 12 grams

Drinks
1 liter of water
several liters of diet coke/pepsi

Total calories ingested: 1,128
Total fat ingested: 17 grams

Exercise: Upper body workout with nautilus weights. Worked chest, biceps, triceps, shoulders and back. 10 minute warmup on elliptical machine.

Now, let me start out by saying something important: 347! 347! 347! 347! 347! 347! 347! 347!

Let’s look at this in context. Am I truly happy to weight 347 pounds today? No. But if you think about the fact that 20 days ago I HAD to estimate my weight at 370 because I was too heavy for a doctor’s office scale, then I am as happy as all hell.

I got an official reading today, and that was the biggest breakthrough I’ve had so far. I put the thingy (clinical term) at 350 and it said, “hey, Dan, that’s too far. Bring it down another couple of pounds, buddy.” So I did. 347! This diet is officially working. Now, I just hope I didn’t estimate my weight too high. It would kind of suck if I started this at 353 and had only lost six pounds. But there was no way I was under 365. I was 350 in August and I came home and finished off the year with a bona fide bender. So let’s say that I was 368, since that is a happy medium between 365 and 370. That means I have lost 21 pounds in 20 days. We’ll see how the pace keeps up and then after a few weeks I will determine if 100 pounds in 100 days is possible. But so far I am led to believe that it might just be.

Do you know what this means? It’s working! I have actual proof that this diet is working. I can now give people a concrete number for my weight. There is no more: oh, I am around 320 (what you non-fatties may not know is that anytime a fat guy tells you he is 320, he is a lying sack of shit. That is just the weight he’ll tell you because it is enough to acknowledge the fact that he’s let himself go, but still doesn’t divulge the truth that he is heavy enough to be worried about adult onset diabetes or thinking about getting his stomach stapled.)

Let’s keep our fingers crossed for at least 346 Wednesday. If it is 345 or below, I might just poop my pants in the locker room.

As for the rest of the day, I didn’t eat enough. I fell under the 1,200 calorie minimum and only ate three times. I needed to jam a snack in there. There are no excuses, I know, so get off my back.

I’d like to thank the fucking assholes at the area Pizza Hut for keeping this diet intact. See, every Monday I co-host an hour-long sports radio show from that place. The radio station cuts them a generous deal for the on-location remote broadcast. I don’t get paid for the show, I just do it for the experience. You would think that with the deal they get for having us come there and plug their shitty pizza for an hour that they would gladly hand over a free pie every week. No, they offer us only a small order of breadsticks (not cheese sticks). Of course, if any of our guests are from the junior college, then those guests can get a free pizza. But we can’t. I have been pretty pissed about that for about a year, but it is really helping this diet because it would be very hard to resist a free pizza (even a shitty one) each week. But the breadsticks, well I will gladly refrain from eating those mutant pipe cleaners. But seriously, fuck you area Pizza Hut.

I went to Subway again today, I might make that a regular Monday thing. I usually have nothing to do Monday nights and I like to center my night around watching 24. I find that Subway and Jack Bauer go together surprisingly well.

That’s it for today. Just remember, 347!