January 12, 2006
Day 7
How I see myself
As the first week draws to a close, I am wondering about one thing: where the hell has all my energy gone?
I don’t know if it has to do with the diet or with the fact that I might not be getting enough sleep, but at 6 p.m. the last two nights, I have slept heavily for at least an hour. I haven’t had much motivation to do anything at night besides sleep. I don’t know why this is. I think I might need a nap in the afternoon to pep myself up.
The good news is that I can see that I am losing weight. The belt was a little bit looser today and went down one notch. That was the kind of encouragement I needed from my body. I think that will carry over into the next week or so, because once I start seeing real results I think the rest will be easy.
I watched The Biggest Loser today and one guy on there lost 30 pounds in two weeks. Although, I think they he was working out for three hours per day. The guys on there reminded me a lot of me. They even looked like me. They had the same face surrounded by fat that shouldn’t be there. It made them look almost unhuman, like they were wearing fat suits. Looking at pictures of myself, I feel the same way. I think I have decent features, but they have disappeared in a pool of fat.
I was always able to ignore it because I know how to look presentable in a mirror. It’s always straight on with my head tilted upwards to hide the generous double chin I’ve amassed. I always look at my eyes because I believe they are the best part of my face. But when I go out into the world, I have no idea what I look like.
Because I knew how to look in the mirror, I could hide the problem from myself. Maybe I knew my pants size had increased, and some of my favorite shirts didn’t fit anymore, but as long as no one commented about how fat I was getting I never thought anyone noticed.
I have come to hate being in photos because I know that I will see my true self in them. I can’t hide from a lens and, once I see a photo of me, I know I will have to deal with the reality of being fat.
But I never did deal with it. I saw it as a manly thing to be able to eat an entire extra large pizza in one sitting. I just figured I was really hungry when I ordered six burgers from McDonalds. Throughout the entire two years that I was constantly putting on weight, I was rationalizing my eating with pride. When I knew I had eaten too much, I would just lay on the couch with a smile on my face knowing I got it all down and wondering how much more I could handle.
I knew no concept of moderation because I saw the first two cheeseburgers as warmups for the next four. I went to fast food restaurants and sought out the biggest burger I could find. I peaked with three Wendy’s Classic Triples, the Cadillac of fast food burgers. I finished those off in 15 minutes one Friday night and wished immediately I had ordered four.
I loved it. And the truth is that I love it today. I want those cheeseburgers right now. I want to order an extra large meat lovers pizza with the goal of getting it all down tonight. I guess this is sort of an addiction, though I don’t know if I feel comfortable calling it that. But it makes sense that it would be an addiction because it has wreaked havoc on much of my life. I am uncomfortable amongst friends because of my weight and I have no confidence with women. I still try, though. But I end up trying too hard to be funny to overcompensate for my weight. But let’s face it, not many girls want to hook up with a jolly fat guy.
I must confront this problem head on, which is why I am doing this blog. So far, so good.
Dan Nied's 100 Days is the chroncle of a quest for one man to improve his health in 100 days. Feel free to email him at nieddan@yahoo.com with any questions you might have.
Posted by Dan Nied at January 12, 2006 2:29 AM
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