November 09, 2006
Goddam motherfucker
Fuck this
Goddam motherfucker.
Why is it that this second phase of the diet is so much harder to do than the first phase? I don’t know. But I gotta say, it has been really hard to get started. Perhaps it is the change of scenery that has me thrown for a loop. But why can’t I just find the same motivation I had 10 months ago? Where is it?
So today was another bad day. Of course it was. I need to stop this right fucking now. That’s all there is to it. There are no excuses for my eating, no matter how hard I try to justify it at the time. This is the part of losing weight that sucks, the terror of possibly lapsing back into fat world with no safety net. The trap is enticing because the weight, at least for me, does take a long time to come back.
I’m pissed right now and, to tell you the truth, I don’t really feel like writing.
Posted by west at 04:33 AM | Comments (0)
November 08, 2006
Here we go again
Where was I? Throwing up of course.
I am climbing back on the wagon once again, I just didn’t realize it went up so high.
By my count, it has been nearly three months since I last posted something on this blog. I tried posting something in late August, there was some sort of technical problem. That gave me an excuse to be lazy and, well, I ended up putting the blog in the background.
As happens so often with me, I am somewhat content doing nothing until inspiration, with no real rhyme or reason, strikes me. So the blog went untouched, if not unread, for the better part of 75 days. Maybe it was something about election day Tuesday, something turning me on about the citizens of this country claiming back, finally, their government and restoring checks and balances to Washington. I did, in fact, spend about seven hours watching the elections tonight. Maybe it was Annie, a girl I know, absolutely demanding that I start up the blog again tonight. She knows my struggle to maintain. She hears about it often. But inspiration came Tuesday.
So August 17 is the last dated entry, and I am not about to start counting days for you. Let’s just say that half of August and all of September and October have passed since you had any new material.
In that time, I’ll admit, I haven’t eaten like I should. There have been too many Taco Bell trips. My new home state of California has opened my eyes to the wonders of Jack In the Box, and, lately, I’ve had a craving for pizza. Yet, all scales tell me I am still at 275 (including one a few weeks ago that claimed I was a solid 255….riiiight).
Now, that 275 might be from a loss of muscle, since I haven’t been lifting like I used to. But I also suspect that it still takes a lot of calories for me to actually gain weight (remember, the jaunt to 370 took about three years. The run to 275 took six months).
So what am I doing now, with this entry? Starting up again.
Well, here’s the thing: Granted, for most of the last two months I haven’t really been trying to lose weight. I had a tricky battle with stomach pains and I wanted those gone. I wanted to reclaim the freedom to eat whatever I wanted without immediate repercussion. The stomach pains, which were happening about three times a week during September and early October, were really getting to be a pain in the ass. In short, my logic, faulty as it may be, dictated to me that, just as I had to train my body to reject fatty foods, I also had to retrain my body to accept them. I always want to have the occasional (!) burger or slice of pizza. It got to the point where just a little bit of any high fat food would set off the stomach pains.
That lead to a bulimic-like state where every bad choice, no matter how minor it might be, had to be regurgitated to avoid the stomach pains. I will rationalize here by saying that I wasn’t bulimic, because I wasn’t throwing up to keep my weight down. I was doing it preemptively so I wouldn’t be bed-ridden the next day. It had to be done, especially when I kept making poor eating choices. I made my bad choices, and I kept making them. It was not the best thing for me to do. The stomach pains, however, became elongated, lasting up to 12 hours on some occasions. So you can see why the quickness of regurgitation was a pleasant option at the time.
After a while, I realized that was no way to live. So I decided I had to wean myself back onto fatty foods. I ate healthy otherwise, but a few times a week I would tinker with something new, be it a chicken-based Taco Bell order or a bowl of ice cream. I began to accept the stomach pains as they came, facing them head on. I tinkered, figured out what worked best. A few weeks ago, it became clear to me that the stomach pains, and therefore the regurgitation, were in the past. So that’s all good.
So I was free to begin another stage of this quest to lose weight. I am at 95 pounds right now. I want to take it down another 30 or so. I am still trying to figure out the best way to do this without repeating the last two months of misery. I need to keep an element of fatty foods in my diet, perhaps once a week or once every two weeks. The fact that I am still 6-3, 275 and a relatively young 27 years old (I had a birthday in August!) should make it ok to handle the occasional fatty meal and not gain much, if any, weight. Still, I’d like to get back to the old routine. I liked that routine. Can we do 1,500 calories per day? Maybe we can. We’ll see.
I was supposed to begin this last week, and I tried hard to do so. But I kept finding myself back at the fast food restaurants every night after work. I tried to figure out what was wrong. My motivation isn’t where it was in January. I need to find that. The other big void in the quest was the lack of the blog. And, since it has been sitting here for the last three months, untouched, I figured it couldn’t hurt to start it up again.
The main difference, though, is this: Last time, I did this blog for the readers. This time, I am doing it for me. Feel free to follow along, if you’d like. There is always room on my wagon.
Posted by west at 04:42 AM | Comments (0)