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June 30, 2006
Day 175
I think I might be bleeding
I think I might be having my period.
Take today, for example. The day after going through a somewhat depressing “date”, which included me, the girl and 7-10 other people that I didn’t know but she did, drinking at a bar that I’ve never been to which just happened to be 40 miles away from my home, where I had interesting conversations with everyone BUT her and listened to them talk about work for four hours, I was pretty moody.
I woke up just fine and even shot her off an email thanking her for inviting me to hang out with her. Then at lunch with coworker Jen, I freaking lost my mind. I don’t know if Jen could tell, but I was pretty damn testy. Actually, it was pretty obvious to all while I was spewing slurs and epithets about my neighbors in this town. The backdrop was horrible drivers. But the actual reason I was miffed was because, at 26, I still have to borrow the occasional car payment from my parents and I am actually hoping for a job that would make my financial situation worse. At this point, shouldn’t I be making at least $30,000 per year? And that’s all I’m asking for. I just want to pay the bills and have some left over. That’s it. I don’t want every meal to break me financially and I don’t want to have to drastically alter my normal budget for a weekend trip.
So that made me mad enough. And then, I started thinking about the one thing I actually had before I came out here: Friends. I’d say that I have three actual friends in this town, though I can barely name them off the top of my head. There is one person I like to drink with and two people I like to have lunch with. Everyone else is an awkward conversation that I don’t really need to participate in. Oh but back in Detroit with my high school friends and in Columbus, Ohio with my college friends, the perils of real life vanish among the warmth of friendship every weekend. That doesn’t happen here. Basically, when I am with my friends here, we talk about how much we hate this town.
That’s what the town does to you. It makes you think about what is happening in other places. Today I just got fed up with it, especially knowing that the coming weekend, which used to be one of the funnest of the year, will consist of absolutely nothing besides the occasional workout and perhaps a few movies. My Detroit friends will be heading up north to a cabin in central Michigan. There, the single ones will try to get single girls to touch their private parts. I will most likely be touching my own.
So what did that do to my diet? Well, it put me in an even further rut. Quick note here: Yesterday I went to the gym and weighed in at 277. That is four pounds lost in a not-that-healthy week. So I might still be losing weight, but I can’t really keep eating like I have been. There were many bagels today, and maybe even a can of ravioli. I don’t feel particularly good as I write this and I am telling myself that Friday must be a good day, just like Saturday and Sunday have to be.
I need to stop this recent slide as soon as possible. Yes, these have been interesting times, with an unexpected upward swing in my social life, or at least the amount I have gone out to get drunk. But I am still not at the target weight of 270. It is kind of pathetic that in the last three and a half months I have lost only 23 pounds. I guess it’s better than gaining 23 pounds, but you would figure that after losing 70 in the first 100 days, I would at least be able to bang out 40 in the next 100. But it certainly is no secret that I have relaxed a little bit. But I really want to get back to basics here. I can’t throw out any more numbers because I’m not sure how my body is reacting at this point. But what I do know is that nothing bad can happen on 1,200 calories per day.
Ok, I’m out.
Posted by Dan Nied at 02:22 AM | Comments (0)
June 27, 2006
Day 173
They don't have a Rice-A-Roni restaurant in San Francisco. Bummer.
All right, here’s how I feel right now. After two days of not really eating that well I feel like I am right back at square one. I can’t seem to put together a string of good days. Is it possible that I have totally regressed mentally into what I was before this began?
And here’s the kicker: Wednesday, I am supposed to go on something of a blindish date. I say blindish date because I am not really sure exactly what it is. A friend from work set me up with her friend. I’ve talked to this girl on the phone several times, we seem to get along pretty well and we exchanged photos today. So that’s all cool. But she, for some reason, doesn’t want to meet one on one. So tomorrow I get to go out drinking with her and her work friends, none of whom I have ever met. It could be awkward, but I guess I’ll just have to rely on the good old Dan Nied charm to get by.
But anyway, the point is, I’ll have to drink a little bit. Also there is the possibility of food. If I order a salad, then I’ll look like a total pussy. I think the way out of this one is to eat before I go and then go really light when it is time to order. That will save money, too. I am very smart.
So anyway, yeah I kind of have a date tomorrow (I think). So that is pretty sweet.
I’m sure you all are wondering where I was Monday that I couldn’t post anything. (At least I am sure those of you who don’t know me are wondering. Well, at least you are now, since I brought it up.) I took a one-day trip to San Francisco for a job interview. I hadn’t ever been to California before, so I was pretty excited to head out there. I also met up with Jeff, a friend from college who happens to work for a prominent newspaper in the Bay Area. Jeff is much more successful than me, so I made him pay for drinks (Not true. He paid for drinks voluntarily). So, since I am really good at looking for excuses, I will go ahead and say that I was on a mini-vacation Monday night when I has some very rich fettucine alfredo (I have no clue how to spell these words, hopefully I am right) at one of the finer restaurants in San Fran.
It was a good time all around. I’ll hear about the job in the next few weeks and I will keep you all posted.
But now my main concern is getting back into rhythm. I must work out Wednesday, since I haven’t since last Thursday. Also, I must put together some good eating, even if I am going to have a few beers later on. One screw up doesn’t mean the whole day is a wash.
I am starting to get a little bit worried about regressing physically. I came a long way, and now I seem to be on a big plateau. But I have to remind myself that if I keep doing what I was doing, then everything will be fine in the long run.
Posted by Dan Nied at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)
June 26, 2006
Day 171
My head hurts
So I got absolutely obliterated last night. I mean stone cold motherfucking drunk. I started early, closed the bar down and somehow ended up at Wal-Mart at 2 a.m. buying pre-made macaroni and cheese, flat bread and hummus.
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover (which hasn’t gone away) and I can’t for the life of me piece together the happenings of last night. I know where I was, I know what I was thinking about doing, but I can’t really tell you much more than that.
In short, I probably have to be a little more responsible on the rare times I go out.
What’s more, I obviously wasn’t very healthy last night. The mac and cheese was fantastic, and I don’t have a clue why I bought hummus. But none of it was really needed.
So that was a fun night. It is 10 p.m. right now and I am still a little bit hungover. That’s pretty rare and kind of depressing at the same time.
Other than my little bender last night, the weekend was ok. I bought some groceries Saturday and, well, that’s about it. By the way, no entry tomorrow because I have to go out of town for business. I can’t really say much more than that right now. And no, I am not a spy.
So the rush down to 240 is getting off to a bit of a slow start and I am starting to get frustrated. There are few feelings more helpless than being frustrated with yourself. At least if you are frustrated at someone else you can badmouth them and thank God you don’t have whatever characteristic they are using to annoy you. But in this situation, I’m the one letting myself down. That’s pretty shitty. So hopefully when Tuesday comes around I need to force myself to buckle down and eat right. That is of the utmost importance.
Anyway, since I am still hung over and getting ready to go out of town, I am gonna call it a night.
Posted by Dan Nied at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
June 23, 2006
Day 168
Thinking about the diet plan
So today I had what basically amounted to an impromptu day off. For certain reasons, a sports reporter was not needed at the paper for most of the day. So I did some other work, which didn’t take all that long, and sat around for the rest of the day.
One sign that your lifestyle is changing: When you have done nothing for most of the day, you decide to give yourself a break by going to the gym for the fourth straight day.
That was about the most exciting thing that happened today. I was in a position where I could have easily ordered a pizza, but I decided to ellipticize instead. So way to go Dan! But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been cooped up in this apartment all day, save for the hour I was somewhere else. That’s not too fun.
I will spare you the normal bullshit about being lazy and such. I think it gets kind of old since everyone hates something about their life. And I’m not gonna go off on a tangent about being alone and wondering if I’ll ever find someone to love me.
Basically, today I think we should get back to talking about the diet. I must ask forgiveness if this blog becomes more about life than weight loss. After 168 days, everything has been covered. So I will probably move away from talking about what I ate on a certain day and instead give some views on stuff while tying it all into the ongoing project which, at the current pace, could take at least a year to complete.
So anyway, in the four days I’ve been back in town, I’ve done average, not great. Weight is coming off more slowly than before and, to be honest, I am sort of frustrated. I had a classic fuckup night on Tuesday, eating four lean pockets at 9 p.m. and wondering why I didn’t lose any weight the next day. I guess the only good thing I can say about Tuesday is that 1) I worked out 2) those lean pockets put me at about 2,200 calories for the day. So it could be said that it wasn’t a terrible day since the calories still were under the base. But that would also be total bullshit.
I am trying to get my mindset back to the point where I can easily take in 1,200 calories per day without any problems. I think that is probably going to be pretty easy, as long as I go shopping on a regular basis. Since I haven’t been to Wal-Mart since I got home, I have been living off of tuna and Subway. It’s not the best way to go. I’ll head over to the grocery store tomorrow to buy a few things (money is tight right now) and at least get through the weekend.
I am kind of sick of trying to convince myself that 280 isn’t fat. Look, I carry 280 pounds as well as anyone could, but it is still overweight and hampers my ability to live the life I want to live. So I have to keep reminding myself that 280 is fat. And I’ve been at this point before. I know what it is like to be 280. But what I don’t know is how it feels to be 240 and muscular. I think it might be nice to have that kind of confidence in your body. I don’t know that I can ever be fully confident in my body, but it might be nice to have a body that works for me instead of against me.
So it makes no sense to ease up right now, especially as I’ve found this stage to be the most difficult in the process. I need to get tougher, cut calories back to where they were, and work out on a regular schedule. Maybe that sounds maniacal or obsessive, but believe me, it isn’t. I am trying to avert my laziness by painting this as something I have to do.
One day I will move out of this town and I will probably still have some good years ahead of me. Do I want my body to be an issue to whatever new people I meet? Nope. And if I am successful, that would be the first time ever that my body wasn’t hindering my daily life.
Posted by Dan Nied at 01:29 AM | Comments (0)
June 22, 2006
Day 167
The reactions and the one that got away
Brace yourself. It’s one of those reflective moods tonight.
But first, I must fulfill a promise to those of you who might care a little bit. I said yesterday that I would detail some of the more interesting reactions of my friends and family to my weight loss.
As you can guess, Thinner Dan was a big hit with everyone. However, it also seemed to give people the green light to trash Fat Dan. I was cool with that, but you know, I’m still me. I am still the guy that weighed so much. So that was kinda not that cool. But really, I am perfectly ok with it.
The best reaction, as I can tell, came from an unlikely source. That would be Martha, girlfriend to old friend Guy. When Martha saw me she freaked the fuck out. She didn’t go all crazy and everything, but she was definitely impressed. We did some pre drinking over her place on my last night out and she greeted me with a big hug. She informed me a little later on that she was so happy she could actually get her arms around me now. She also asked me questions for about 20 minutes. Not about what I ate, but my motivation, my current feelings, how I think weight loss will affect my future.
In those 20 minutes I pretty much laid everything out about my hopes and dreams. I want to lose weight so the woman I eventually fall in love with will be able to fall in love with me too (I envision my future mate as a picky bitch who will only admit the best and brightest into her life.) I don’t feel any lighter, I told her. I am proud, but not finished yet. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I was never worried about my health, I was only worried about never getting laid again.
And all the while Martha, who by the way can do much better than one Guy Vendittelli, kept reminding me of what a fatty bombalatti I was just six months prior. And while that kind of stung since Thinner Dan is pretty much the same guy as Fat Dan, it certainly gave me a sense of accomplishment. So that was nice.
Ok, now on to some other people of note:
Mom – Impressed, but she had seen the pictures from the previous week so she wasn’t taken aback.
Grandmother – Very taken aback but, at 93 years old (I think) she didn’t have much energy to get all worked up.
Friend Guy – “You look kinda weird”
Friend Kevin – Not as much of a reaction as I expected. He was the guy I figured would jump for joy with me, fawn over how I look. But at first, he was pretty mellow. But Kev and I talked a lot about the process and the results as time went on.
Friends Jacob, Cameron, Kostic, Ed and Chrissy: Most of them have been reading, I believe, so they knew what was up. With those people it kind of became something of a “Lookin pretty good Dannyboy” marathon. That, however, was appreciated.
So you know, nothing too spectacular. I think people were impressed. I think people enjoyed what Thinner Dan brought to the table. By the way, I slept on couches three different nights during vacation. I slept very soundly each time. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the weight loss, but for the record, pre weight loss meant Dan didn’t sleep well on the couch. So maybe there is something to this life improvement stuff.
Last note about vacation: Guy and I went to Old Navy one day. I got three shirts off the rack and a pair of jeans that was one size smaller than what I have been wearing since 8th grade. That was pretty sweet. Gotta love Old Navy, with their XXL sizes. That’s the way to go.
Anyway, on to the other stuff. There is no other place to start than Myspace. Yes, I have a Myspace page, and if you can find me I will be your friend. But this isn’t just about Myspace, this is about the shrinking of the world as a result of that site. This is about finding people you knew back in the day and remembering whatever memories are worth remembering.
So earlier tonight I was searching through the Bowling Green alumni, roughly around my age. I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular (That’s not true, but for the sake of not wanting to seem creepy, let’s pretend it is) but I came across some old friends and drinking buddies.
And then I came across her. The absolute epitome of the one that got away. We’ll call her Kate, because that is a very lazy variation of her name. Now, if you don’t want to hear my sob story, stop reading.
Ok.
I must have been a sophomore when I first saw her. It was the first day of some crappy class and I did the usual scan across the room for hot girls. Normally, this was a quick look, to see if I should change seats. Every girl gets a look, then I make a decision. So I was in mid-scan, my neck muscles moving so swiftly, I almost missed her. I actually passed her up, but had to come back. That is the sign for me. When I have to take a second look, I know I have found something. She was perfect. Tall, cute, everything that I would ask for in a woman.
So a few weeks went by and I managed to strike up a conversation with Kate. How did I do this? The patented walk behind her out of class then, once everyone has kind of cleared out, say something like “man, I hate that class” to no one in particular. She probably hates the class too, so she turns around and you discuss how much you hate that class. You go on your marry way. Next day, walk next to her out of class and do some more talking. Eventually you’re walking her all over campus, to places you never had any intention of ever going.
So that’s how I broke the ice.
I liked her a lot and for some reason, I think she kind of liked me. But she had a boyfriend at the time, so nothing ever worked out. Next semester we had no class together. However, I saw her just about every day in the halls, so we would talk for a little bit at a time. One day she mentioned breaking up with her boyfriend a few weeks prior. A few weeks later, I asked her out.
She said yes, enthusiastically as I recall, with a smile that possessed the finer points of alchemy. I was pumped up. But, in my excitement, I left for class without getting her number. I was pretty disappointed in myself, but I figured I would see her again the next day and then play it off like a joke: “Yeah, I kinda forgot to get your number yesterday, can I have it now?” And everyone would have laughed a hearty laugh and we would have gone out and world peace would be the next logical step.
But she wasn’t there the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. In fact, she wasn’t there again that semester. I fucked up. In the back of my mind, I figured the worst: that she was dodging me. Maybe she was. I don’t know. But I do know that the next time I saw her was probably a year later. She was in a serious relationship and I was left to wonder what would have been.
In the five or six years since that moment, I have occasionally been reading in bed when my mind would wander to Kate. The instant reaction is to close my book and pound on the pillows (in a playful way, albeit) and curse probably the worst mistake I have ever made. See, the possibilities that I envisioned make it impossible to totally let this girl go. Sure, I forget about it, but she will always be around me somewhere, smiling at me, saying yes and leaving without contact information.
So fast forward to last night when I am looking through the BG alumni on Myspace. Of course, who do I come across? Kate. I get excited because she looks the same and a second chance is better than no chance. I get excited because I remember instantaneously what I liked about her instead of how I let her go. She surrounds my world for that fist instant of recognition, looking like a woman should look, being what a woman should be, smiling at me and no one else, knowing my pain and happiness, sharing my dilemmas.
So I click. I look for it, look for it, look for it, see it.
Kate is married.
Like it would be any other way.
And perhaps this is silly or creepy or just a big bucket of tears. And sure it might be crazy for me to be in Colorado and fantasize aimlessly about a girl in Ohio. But it might be something deeper than that. To me, this is a lesson of how I’ve lived my life, getting close, but never taking the necessary steps to success. I live with talent, but do I use it? I might be a good looking guy, but I hid it under layers of fat. I made bad decisions that shaped the life I live and probably provided me with enough insecurity to doubt that I can even ride a bike anymore. And why did I do that? Was it stupidity? Was it laziness? More importantly, how do I change. Have I changed? Is it possible to really be old at 26? And do I really feel that life is a race to 30 and I just got lapped for the third time?
And that’s what I really felt when I looked at Kate in all her glory. I felt like a stagehand, quietly building the sets where the actors will shine.
Posted by Dan Nied at 01:36 AM | Comments (0)
June 21, 2006
Day...??? What fuckin' number day is this? I have no clue.
I'm back and ready for more punishment.
Wow, here I am. Back in good old Colorado and loving every minute of it.
In an effort to spare you any mundane details about my vacation, I’ll offer only a few essential happenings:
Drank, Drank, Drank, Drank, hit on lots of girls while drunk, got rejected by lots of hot girls while drunk. Got several numbers, but nothing of particular interest. Rocked out, went to a Tigers game, ate crappy, stomach pains only once (a chicken burrito) drank, drank, drank, gained only 1.5 pounds.
So that’s where I’m at right now. Monday I clocked in at 281.5. Today 280.8 So not bad for starting the road to 240. Now, for this one, there is no time frame. I just want to get back to basics, 1,200-1,500 calories per day, working out at least four times per week.
Basically, I’d like to be ripped one day. That would mean good things. At this point, my curiosity is peaked as to what I would look like 40 pounds lighter. I have no idea. I might be one of those people who actually looks better fat (think Al Roker). Or I might be an underwear model. I guess it could go either way.
Now, I am gonna stop here for reasons I don’t feel need to be justified for you (but if you must know, my back hurts and I wanna go read.) But, since it just occurred to me that some of you might want to know how the new and improved Dan was received by his loved ones over the last week, I’ve decided to make that tomorrow’s post.
Also, sorry about the two-day delay in getting the blog started again. I hope you find it in you hearts to forgive me.
Posted by Dan Nied at 12:39 AM | Comments (0)
June 08, 2006
Day 154
Gettin' on a plane to Motown
So it is 8:44 p.m. on Thursday night. I am all packed and ready to go to bed in an hour, get up at 5 a.m., drive two hours to the airport and fly to Detroit for my much deserved 10-day vacation.
We’ve got a big week planned. Needless to say, I am pretty pumped up.
We had a big day today, even without much diet success. I paid a few bills and got a snazzy new haircut.
I went to the gym and lifted. No cardio. During the morning, I was so jittery to start vacation that I decided to relax the rules of the diet today. So basically, I cut out cardio at the gym, had some bagels and got cheese on my Subway club. My theory behind it is that no matter what, I will look the same tomorrow as I do today. So nothing will really matter.
That’s why I was ok with weighing in at 281 today, a two-pound increase from Tuesday. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I think, that I got under 280 this week. That was actually a pretty big deal. But I didn’t make much of it because I pretty much know that the upcoming week of home cooked meals and ice cold beer will put me over that mark when I come back). So anyway, I wasn’t too upset with 281 because I had a pretty big breakfast today and drank some water and a diet Mountain Dew before weighing in. So figure the weight is more like 280.
And that is almost a perfect number. Coming back to Detroit, I weigh 90 pounds less than I did when I last left. There are people waiting for me who whispered to mutual friends about how Dan let himself go. Now, they all know what I am doing these days. And they have all seen the pictures. I won’t be surprising anyone, but I will accept congratulations and compliments with great pride.
I will walk off the plane and hug my mother and she might actually be able to get her arms around me. I will go to the bar tomorrow night, maybe see a pretty girl, and I might not have blown the whole deal upon eye contact. See, these are big things to me.
Looking at the newest pictures, which are posted below this, I am amazed. My face has almost disappeared (and yeah, that may have something to do with my supersweet haircut.) I compared these photos with the Thin Dan photo my friend sent a few months ago and the difference is amazingly minimal.
Honestly, I don’t even know what to say here. All along I have treated this diet like a game. It was in the forefront of my mind, but I tried not to take it TOO seriously. While it did invade my life, I always acted with a sense of mystery to the outcome. And now, 90 pounds later, I am almost overwhelmed at what I have done. Amazing. I can’t say for certain that I have improved my health, but I have taken a big step forward in living the life of a 20-something male.
And I am so proud of that.
Also, how can I put into words how much you readers mean to me? Every single one of you helped me out along the way, everyone who clicked on this site over the last five months (nearly 40,000 people to date) or read the post on Blog Critics has played a pivotal role in this entire process. You guys gave me support that I have never had before. You slapped me into shape, you congratulated me on tiny victories. I lost pounds for you. There is no doubt about that.
Of course, I am not done yet. As I said yesterday, when I return to Colorado, I will resume my quest. The new mark is 240 and I don’t care how long it takes to get there. We might be here for another year as I inch closer and closer. We might be here only another two months. But I know my work isn’t done, yet.
I hope you stay with me as I go somewhere I haven’t been since my freshman year of high school – sub 250. And I hope, somehow, that I stay with you.
Thank you.
Posted by west at 10:43 PM | Comments (0)
A smilin' fool
Notice the angle of the head cock. It minimizes the double chin. But still, the double chin is slowly coming off. So let's be happy for that.
Posted by west at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)
Thumbs up
Maybe I came up 10 pounds short, but I'm still giving thumbs up to the 100 days that changed my life. Is that hokie? Sure. But fuck it.
Posted by Dan Nied at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)
June 07, 2006
Day 153
I wish I knew how to quit you
All right here's the deal. I had a few drinks tonight, I am a little sauced. I do love the sauce.
So really, i ain't got my writin' shoes on today. Let's just say that today was a pretty ok day, nothing too special, nothing too bad. I did have four beers around 5 p.m., but they were Miller Light, which, as we all know, is the lowest calorie, lowest carb light beer there is.
So yea, Dan!
Anyway, I have been thinking about a few things lately and I have decided that it might be best for me to continue this blog for at least a few more weeks. Yeah, I change my mind on this a lot, and I guess you can never really tell what I am gonna think of next. I am, after all, half drunk as I write this. However, in a few ways, this blog helps me tremendously. And I just don't think it to be a good idea to give it up right now.
So anyway, I am going to attempt to update this once or twice when I go home. Then I will come back and do at least semi-regular updates in the coming weeks.
The only trade off is that you let me go to bed right now.
So here I go.
Posted by Dan Nied at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)
June 06, 2006
Day 151
This is kind of a serious one. But not really
I’ll be totally honest here, I am sick of doing the food journal. Sorry, it is a pain in the ass. I had about 1,500-1,700 calories today. Maybe you see this as a sign of weakening, I see it as liberation.
Exercise: I did an upper body workout with 20 minutes on the elliptical.
So after the workout today, I weighed in at 280 even. It was a bit disappointing for two reasons 1) Last Thursday, I weighed in at 280.8. While I know I haven’t been super healthy the last few days, I figured I had lost at least a full pound. Apparently not. 2) After weighing in at 280.8 before today’s workout, I was really hoping to crack the 270s. But if I had gone five more minutes on the elliptical, I would have cracked it, so I can’t be that upset. We’ll see what the scale says tomorrow.
I couldn’t sleep last night, so I laid in bed thinking about where to take this diet. You’ll remember yesterday when I suggested that I might just get back to 1,200-1,500 calories per day and up the workouts in an effort to take off 40 more pounds by the end of summer. I still don’t know if I am going to do that. However, last night, while I was just lying in bed, I all of a sudden jumped up in an enthusiastic outburst. The reason was that I wanted to begin that rush to 240 immediately. I was pumped up. It was very similar to the feelings I had back in December, when I got my mind set on this whole diet.
So maybe that is a sign.
I had lunch with my friend Melissa today. She started working in my office about three months ago. She said something that kind of made me cringe.
“When I started working there,” she said. “I thought to myself ‘wow, what a shame that guy is so young and so overweight.’”
I figure I was around 340 when she started. That kind of depressed me a little bit. How did I let myself go so much? And if she was thinking that, how many other people thought it, too? Obesity is a lonely place where no one is ever honest with you. It is a world of smiles and nods and the elephant in the middle of the room (which just happens to actually be you). As a fat person, you serve to make people feel good about themselves, if only for the fact that they are not you. Perhaps it would be rude for someone to say “hey, why don’t you stop being so fat.” Perhaps feelings would be hurt. But at the same time, it would be logical for the haves to push the have-nots, for the attractive to goad the ugly for reasons of hard-line inspiration. Why not?
We talk about mindless things in our daily lives, things that have no bearing on anything. So what is wrong with saying things of substance, even if a psyche is shattered? Perhaps that psyche wasn’t that good, anyhow. Perhaps that psyche needed to be broken down, stripped for parts and built back up into something sturdy and confident.
We worry what people are thinking, because we have no way of knowing. We wonder if our flaws are as obvious to others as they are to us. And sometimes the only thing keeping us from changing those flaws is that that we believe, through the silence of others, that we’ve been successful at hiding them.
And that’s not doing anyone any good.
Posted by Dan Nied at 12:34 AM | Comments (0)
June 05, 2006
Day 150
Just checking in
We had some major tech problems today, so I am just checking in before I go to bed.
By the way, we had some comment problems. So now you have to be registered in order to leave comments. Hopefully this won't be a huge problem.
Basically, this was a boring weekend wihtout anything going on. I watched a lot of baseball and ate relatively health, though I still definitely seem to be in a bit of a slump right now.
It occured to me that I will be somewhere between 275-283 when I go home, and thats ok with me. But what happens when I come back? The blog will be done, for the most part and I'll be 90 pounds lighter than I was in January. But still, there will be some work to be done. What would be the best way to go about that work? I have been saying since Day 1 that I would lose the rest very slowly. But then I would be like a kid waiting for christmas. You know, 240 is only three good months away right now. I could get there by the end of the summer. How tempting is it to just ratchet this stuff up, follow a workout program and get back to 1,200 calories per day in an effort to actually look as good as I ever have? If I could do that, I would be amazed.
So I am going to think about that tonight and talk about it more tomorrow.
See ya then.
Posted by Dan Nied at 01:54 AM | Comments (0)
June 02, 2006
Day 146
Not happy right now
First, let me apologize for not doing an entry yesterday. A major (well, major for this town) story broke last night and I had to write three articles about it for today’s paper. It happens.
As for today, right now, this very second, I am not a happy man. Actually, I am just fine, but as far as this diet goes, I am not happy at all.
The problem is I don’t know what I am upset about. Perhaps it is the fact that my stomach is absolutely full of salami, pepperoni and bread right now, a result of the Taste of Italy sandwich I got from Subway today. Perhaps it is the realization that I won’t come close to getting down to 270 by the time I go home next week. Perhaps it is the lack of ability to rationalize that fact by saying it isn’t my fault. It is my fault. I kind of screwed it up.
But that’s not really a big deal either. I have definitely slowed down the weight loss process, which I don’t mind. The good thing is that I am still losing weight and that shouldn’t change any time soon.
So what’s wrong? Maybe I just feel like I am still fat. Of course, I feel that way because I actually am. Sure, as I’ve said in the past, it is a different kind of fat than I was, but it is still fat. Perhaps in my own personal world, whatever accolades people toss my way on a regular basis don’t add up to anything in my mind because I know that I could be so much further along.
And maybe that gigantic sandwich I ate four hours ago has me in a depressed mood. Perhaps food really is a drug, an upper (or downer?), providing euphoria only as long as you can prevent swallowing. Once the stomach fills, you realize how much it isn’t worth it. It’s not worth it because you can only taste the salami once. And the better it is, the quicker it goes down. It teases you, harasses you, makes you feel loved, like a quarter peep show.
But it leaves so quickly, and then you realize that 10 minutes of gratification ruined the potential of a whole day. You think about the oatmeal you had in the morning and wonder why, if you were going to eat like this anyway, you didn’t have four eggs and a pound of sausage. You remember that bland tuna with the crappy mayo and fat free bread you had for lunch and it dawns on you that McDonald’s double cheeseburgers are only 99 cents. You could have had five of them! But you didn’t. And you wonder why you woke up determined to eat right, just like every day, but somewhere around 2 p.m. you started thinking about pizza, then wanted burgers and then settled on a sandwich that has salami, pepperoni, cheese, mayo, mustard. And then you wonder exactly what you were thinking when you got another sandwich, a six-inch salami, pepperoni and ham concoction for later. That one was good, too, but did you really enjoy it?
And you sit in your wooden chair, feeling the involuntary movements of your stomach. You can sense your colon backing up, you know the release point is coming soon, but still, it will be a surprise. You wait for the stomach pains, wonder if they’re visiting you tonight. They might not. But even when you go to bed you know the chance remains that you will be awakened at 4 a.m. by a bottle rocket shooting out of your stomach, not unlike the scene in Alien, the one that caused you to swear, at the age of five years old, that you would never drink Bush beer.
And if those stomach pains come, you’ll think about the sandwich you ate. You’ll want another one even as you are squatted on the toilet forcefully pushing that reluctant waste out of your body. It won’t come. You know you’ll have to try at least four times before success. You’ll think about taking a laxative and calling in sick to work. You’ll lay on the couch watching the same Sportscenter episode over and over – the Tigers beat the Yankess, the Indians beat the White Sox, the Mavs beat the Suns, the Hurricanes beat the Sabres, the Tigers beat the Yankees, the Indians beat the White Sox….
You’ll think long and hard about the same things you thought about the last time this happened. No more, you’ll tell yourself. This has to stop! Know your limitations because eating like this is not part of your world anymore.
But you know you’ll go home in a week and find yourself in the same situation at least twice. Why? Because you never really learn. And while you came so far to change yourself, you know you can never fully leave your past behind. Your wants will always battle your will. They never go away. How could they? They created you. They controlled you fore so long. You expect them to vacate after five months? It won’t happen, especially when you fall into the cycle of indulgence, a world of rewards and breaks and a little of this won’t hurt.
Yes, you’ve come a long way from the start. Yes you are new, improved, more attractive, more mobile, less at risk for serious health problems. But you’ll still stand there in the bathroom mirror wearing nothing but green mesh shorts, shirt off, staring at your torso. Your chest hair will be uneven, growing in oddly placed patches, your nipples will be of no known shape. You’ll eye up your man boobs in an effort to figure out if, and how much, they’ve reduced since the start. You’ll grab loose skin around your stomach, you’ll slide your finger into your belly button to see how many knuckles go in. You’ll do disgusting things to yourself, all the while thinking about that sandwich and how it tasted and what it did to your insides (bad) and your outsides (horrible).
Then you’ll curse yourself for being so difficult. Isn’t indulgence ok once in awhile? Don’t most dieters, successful ones even, take at least a meal off per week? But you won’t believe it is ok because you are still scared of your past. You know how you work. Sure, you beat yourself this time, but what happens the next time? Do you have the will to do it again?
Eventually the stomach pain will die and you’ll be given new motivation in a new day. And what you do with it, you swear, will be the things you should have been doing all along.
Posted by west at 12:51 AM | Comments (0)