« Dan Nied's 100 Days: Day 21 | Main | Day 23 »
January 26, 2006
Day 22
What am I doing here? I don't really know
What I ate today
Breakfast (9:30 a.m.)
1 can of tuna fish
2 slices of multi-grain bread
2 servings of fat free mayonnaise
Calories: 270
Fat: 2.5 grams
Lunch (1 p.m.)
1 Subway club, no cheese, all vegetables ….yada yada yada
Calories: 640
Fat: 12 grams
Snack (5 p.m.)
1 plain bagel
Several servings of garden vegetable cream cheese
Calories: 300-500?
Fat: ??
Dinner
3 servings of Catfish filets
2 slices of multi grain bread
2 servings of fat free mayonnaise
Calories: Approximately 459
Fat: 14.5 grams
Drinks
Lots of diet pop
Two liters of water
20 ounces of coffee
Approximate Total Calories: 1,769
Fat: More than 29 grams
Starting weight: Approximately 368 pounds
Monday's weight: 347 pounds
Wednesday's weight: 346 pounds
Total weight lost: Approx. 22 pounds
Exercise: A half-assed workout at the gym that included some really shitty weight training that I didn’t even need to push myself to do. Ten minutes on the elliptical machine that wasn’t so hard I couldn’t do 15. Five minutes on a worthless exercise bike that burned what, 30 calories? Whatever.
What the fuck am I doing? Do I want to stay exactly the same as I am right now? Do I want to waste this motivation, this tiny window of opportunity in which my mind is in the right frame to get healthy? This kind of motivation comes, for me, about once every five years. So why do I feel like I am wasting it?
Why? Because, in so many ways, I am. I write these entries and pretend to provide motivation for people. I try to convince every reader that I am 100 percent committed to losing weight, that the main goal in my life is to prevent later health problems by trimming 100 pounds in three months. But how can I sit here and tell you that I am doing well when I am so obviously mailing it in half the time? Sure, maybe you guys don’t know that, but I do. I fucking know that my workouts have been a joke and that, while my eating habits have changed, I can still convince myself to go get to the coffee shop and order a fucking plain bagel with a ton of cream cheese.
I rationalized it today by telling myself I need to learn to eat regular portions when this whole thing is done. Yeah, Dan, I told myself, it’s ok to go get a bagel today because you used to go there twice a week and get three parmesan bagels with jalapeno cheddar cream cheese. So it’s ok, when I am trying to dramatically change my health, to shove that shit down my gullet in a reasonable portion? We all know bagels are a gateway drug. Next time I’ll convince myself that a Whopper is ok, so long as it isn’t a Double Whopper. Then the vegetable lovers pizza is fine because it is infinitely more healthy than the meat lovers pizza, right?
Well fuck that. Fuck me. Why would I try and share this project with the world if I can’t convince myself to go 100 percent on this? I’d say that at best I am giving an 80 percent effort. And yeah, I know that eating 2,000 calories per day would result in a pretty decent weight loss over time, but that’s not my goal here. My goal is to start this quest fast and then move up to reasonable portions. Maybe that sounds crazy, but realize this: I am sick of being fat! I am sick of having to wear elastic pants and pick bellybutton lint two knuckles deep. I am sick of seeing an attractive girl at a party and overcompensating (poorly) with humor because I know it would take a freaking miracle to get her to touch me in the right spots.
Look, this isn’t me at 230 wanting to get down to 200. This isn’t the kind of fat you can cover up with a loose fitting shirt. This is the kind of fat that fucking kills people eventually. This is the kind of fat that will have me, in 10 years, hyperventilating while walking to my car from the grocery store after buying 18 boxes of macaroni and cheese for a fun-filled loner Saturday night. Why 18? Because in 10 years I’m sure my one-night record will be at least 16. I’ll want to beat that.
This isn’t a beer gut. This is serious.
I don’t want to be a sideshow anymore and that is why I want to do this fast. I want to get through the worst of it as quickly as possible and then drop the rest of the weight at a comfortable pace over a long period of time. But I can’t really do that if I don’t stop cheating myself, right? In turn, I’ve cheated the readers, so many of whom have left encouraging notes, many times with the message that I’ve actually inspired them. Look, I’m happy this story is inspiring, but lets be honest here: three weeks in there is nothing inspiring about this. Right now, I am just a man who lost 20 pounds or whatever because that is what took the least amount of effort. But never, ever, ever, in these last three weeks have I made the decision to keep an eating schedule that included five meals per day. Not once have I planned out real exercise or a day’s eating plan the night before.
How can I inspire anyone if I can’t even inspire myself?
And you know what? I can’t sit here today and tell you emphatically that things are going to change. This isn’t a stump speech and I’m not running for office. I am just a guy sitting at his computer, surrounded by empty pop bottles and Subway wrappers, wondering why he can’t make the choices that are so obvious to him.
I just know that things have to change in order for me to be truly successful in this. I have to attack exercise with renewed vigor, I have to be much more disciplined in what I eat and I have to weigh my options in every situation. Will I do that? I don’t really know.
We’ll see.
Posted by west at January 26, 2006 1:56 AM
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